


I hear static, I hear you.

by Werepirechick



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: AU where donnie doesn't come back right away and strange things happen, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Dysfunctional Relationships, Family Loss, Gen, Ghosts, Grief/Mourning, Poltergeists, Psychic Abilities, Regret, Self-Blame, Spirits, Temporary Character Death, just some later stuff, post The Power Inside Her, scary shit happens actually, spooky things are everywhere, vaguely resembles events from Stranger Things honestly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-12
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-08 03:15:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 40,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8828284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werepirechick/pseuds/Werepirechick
Summary: Donnie doesn't come back after he's killed, leaving his family with a gaping wound.April, ashamed and blaming herself, leaves their lives to struggle with her guilt.They mourn their genius' passing, each member of their family hurting and grieving, until...Things begin to happen, and a presence makes itself known. **Winner of FIRST PLACE in the Universal TMNT General Fanfic Competition 2016 for MOST INTRIGUING AU**





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had a random and sudden idea about Donnie not being brought back right away, and things taking a slightly different path to canon.
> 
> (Lmao, I just Really like causing emotional pain for these kids. Enjoy it with me, ha ha.)

 

 

After Donnie was gone, they mourned.

They took what was left of him- his mask, they only had his mask- and brought it home.

Mikey watched, for once unable to find his voice, as his eldest brother explained to their father what had happened. Why they came home without their brother, or April.

He listened to the shocked silence from their father, and then the stifled gasp that came from him.

He closed his eyes, and looked away when their father fell to his knees.

April didn’t come back to the lair again, and they didn’t go looking for her.

They mourned, and tried to wrap their heads around the gaping absence in their family.

Mikey waited for something to change. A part of him, young and hopeful, still expected a miracle. For things to suddenly turn around, and for his brother to walk out of his lab good as new. For April and Donnie to come back to the lair, smiling and laughing like they had just before that night. For Donnie to sit down across from him at the dinner table, and to ask how Mikey’s evening had been. He waited for things to go back to normal.

They didn’t.

Donnie stayed gone, and so did April.

Nothing changed.

 

 

_(Except… something did.)_

 

 

It started with small things.

Mikey barely noticed it.

He’d always been the type to space out, but lately… with the weight of his grief and his family’s losses, he’d been barely connected with reality at all.

It was easier, just letting himself float through things. It didn’t hurt as much if he wasn’t fully there to feel it. No one bothered him about it, too busy with their own staggering grief.

It’d been two weeks when Mikey noticed something.

Two weeks after Donnie had gone, after April had gone, things started to happen.

Small things, barely worth noticing things, things so usual for their family no one even saw them.

Mikey barely registered them, but he did.

For a split second sometimes, an electronic device in their home would do something… weird.

Late in the daytime, when Mikey would lay awake and staring at his ceiling, his lamp would flicker for just a moment. The bulb would dim, and then shine again. Only once, never more.

He thought, at the time, that it just meant he needed to replace it soon.

But then other things started happening.

The stove in the kitchen would turn on by itself, and fill the room with wasted heat. The microwave kept resetting itself, erasing the set time in its digital display at least once a day. The fridge light stopped working completely; going dark and refusing to turn back on no matter how many times they changed it.

Their ancient arcade games developed glitches, and would erase and add score history at random. Lights throughout the lair dimmed and brightened without prompting, some of them blackening their sockets irreparably.

Mikey, like the rest of his morose family, chalked it up to Donnie’s absence. Without Donnie around to keep maintenance of their home, it made sense that their electronics would slowly fall into disrepair.

It only made the gaping hole feel more obvious, the missing presence of their brother and son.

Mikey tried to ignore it, and pretended that the evidence of his brother’s death wasn’t slowly piling up.

Two more weeks passed, and the flickering continued. Raph was the one who stepped up, trying to find the source of it and put a stop to things. Donnie might’ve been their one and only true tech expert, but as it turned out, he’d passed on rudimentary repair abilities to their most brash sibling.

Raph couldn’t find anything, no matter how many times he looked or consulted the manuals Donnie left behind.

Mikey pretended he didn’t see how Raph’s shoulders hunched, struggling to do what their brother had done with ease and masterful skill. He turned away from the circles growing under his brothers’ eyes, his father’s eyes, and his own.

They mourned, and tried to cope with the heavy evidence of Donnie’s passing.

Mikey kept his grief quiet, and missed his brother every second he was awake.

He missed his friend and adopted sibling too, but as time passed, it grew harder to keep the tainted bitterness of their relationship out of his mind.

The flickering continued, and they all ignored it.

 

 

_(They should have looked closer.)_

 

 

It was a month after Donnie’s passing, that Mikey noticed… _other_ things.

They’d had to move forwards, begin patrols again. They started training; they started relearning how to fight.

There was a painful and obvious missing piece to their quartet, and as hard as it was to start closing it, they had to.

Mikey kept his complaints to himself, not voicing his irritation and frustration at life and their loss. They stoppered up in his throat, and choked him, every time he had to move into position to cover their right flank.

That was Donnie’s position. He felt wrong filling it.

And when he started to, stepping into the place where his closest brother had once stood… that’s when he started seeing things.

Just a flicker- a momentary glimpse of movement- in the corner of his eye.

Every time Mikey looked, it was nothing. There was never anything there at all.

He ignored it for as long as he could.

But…

It kept happening. Over and over.

Momentary, brief, just a split second of flagging shadows-

-gone, every single time he looked.

Mikey asked his father about it.

His father said it was grief, or an emerging vision condition.

They both hoped it was the prior. Adding another disadvantage to their team right now would be even more deadly than things already could be.

The flickers kept happening, and Raph kept searching for the reason why.

Mikey kept seeing things in the corner of his eye, and he kept praying it wasn’t something that would affect his eyesight.

The glimpses got worse. And… they spread to the rest of his family.

Leo described seeing them too, just a split second flash of movement. Raph said he hadn’t, but Mikey couldn’t tell if he was telling the truth.

Splinter saw the movements rarely, but they were there. Raph called Casey, who’d drifted from the family the past few weeks, and asked if their friend had been seeing anything unusual.

Casey hadn’t. He denied seeing anything weird. Mikey wasn’t sure if he was telling the truth or not either.

Mikey, when no one was listening or watching, snuck away to call one other person.

_“April?”_

_“…hi, Mikey.”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“…why did you call me?”_

_“Have you… have you been noticing anything weird lately?”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“What do you mean… ‘weird’?”_

_“I mean. Weird as in weird.”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“No.”_

_“…”_

_“…”_

_“…okay. Bye, April.”_

_“…goodbye, Mikey.”_

The flickers didn’t stop. The flashes of movement didn’t stop.

Splinter told them it was grief, and electrical problems. He left it at that, turning distant after telling them all so. Splinter was growing more and more distant as time went on, grief making his shoulders slump almost constantly.

He seemed so tired, and it clashed with the unfaltering image of him in Mikey’s mind.

Mikey didn’t push his father for answers, since it seemed like he didn’t have any. None of them did; him, Raph, and Leo. They didn’t ask more of their father than he could give.

 

_(Maybe he should have. Maybe they all should have pushed for answers.)_

 

Mikey stared listlessly at the television, not listening to whatever was happening on screen.

It was either watch television, or stare at nothing. He’d chosen the option that provided background noise, and at least a little relief from his thoughts.

Raph sat on the other end of the couch, turning the page of yet another manual. Mikey hadn’t seen his brother read so much before, spending almost every night reading the same books over and over. It was either that, or obsessively working out.

The prior damaged his knuckles less.

Leo sat on the other side of the couch, complete opposite to Raph. He was also staring at the television, but he was probably watching it about as much as Mikey was.

Mikey sat in the middle of them all, and felt painfully aware of the empty spot in their set up.

The television’s volume suddenly spiked, raising itself loud enough that the ancient audio began to turn into static.

“ _Fuck_ , someone turn that down,” Raph hissed, looking up from his manual. “Mikey, don’t screw with the volume; there isn’t even anything happening right now.”

“I didn’t do anything, the remote isn’t even near me,” Mikey replied, showing his hands.

The television got louder, rising into the highest levels it had.

“Oh for- Mikey, where did you put the remote?” Leo asked, coming back to reality for the moment. “You had it last.”

“No I didn’t, you did!”

“Raph, did you take it?”

“I’m reading, why the fuck would I want it?”

The video on screen started to turn weird, matching the extremely static high volume of the device. Glitching lines ran across the screen, bleeding the decades old cartoon’s colors.

“Seriously, I’m trying to read. Turn that shit off already, I know neither of you were actually watching it-”

“-I don’t have the remote, _Mikey_ had it last, and for your information I _was_ watching it-”

“-guys, I can’t find it, can you at least _help_ me look for it-?”

“-always jumping on us for just trying to enjoy ourselves, when we never do that to you _Raph-”_

“-if I’m sharin’ the space with you then keep the fuckin’ volume down for chrisake, and you’re wrecking the damn video too-”

The static sound from the television intensified as Leo and Raph’s voices rose. The bleeding colors on screen got brighter, the jittery images across the glass pixelating and turning into blocky clumps.

Mikey’s eyes skittered around the room, searching for the remote. He couldn’t find it, where had it gone-?

Leo and Raph started shouting at each other, raising their voices to be heard over the television’s crackling speakers.

“-I’m _sick of you doing this,_ always demanding everyone do and act _exactly how you want them too_ , and expecting _us_ to be the ones making room for _you_ in the room-”

“-bite your fucking tongue, I just want some damn _peace and quiet_ without your shitty attitude infecting _my_ good moods-”

“-you’re never in a good mood! Always stomping around and yelling at us over _nothing-!”_

“- _well look who’s fuckin’ yelling now-!”_

Mikey spotted the remote, lying in front of the television. How-? It’d been on the couch, he was _sure_ of it-

Four things happened all at ounce.

Leo and Raph’s shouting match climaxed, the both of them screaming obscenities at each other over the shrieking television.

The television’s video turned into nothing but flashing colors and screaming static.

Mikey covered his ears, trying to block the cacophony out.

And finally-

-the television exploded.

Its screen shattered, the same time as its speakers blew themselves apart. The video kept playing for a second longer, and then shorted out into blackness.

A pocket of silence filled the air, sudden and deafening.

Mikey stared at it, same as Leo and Raph, as smoke started to curl from its insides.

“…what the fuck,” Raph said, breaking the shocked silence. They all stared a moment longer- frozen by the violent end of their TV- until Leo got up and went to retrieve the fire extinguisher.

Their television was broken beyond saving, the insides melting away and its screen a spider’s web of cracks.

Oddly enough, it shook Mikey deep into his core.

Maybe it was because of the sudden and unexplainable malfunction. Maybe it was because it was a TV Donnie had fixed years ago, building it back up from the abandoned scrap it’d been.

Whatever the reason; the experience stayed with Mikey.

 

 

 

It was only after a full month and a half, that Mikey found the courage to step into Donnie’s lab.

_(Later, he’d be glad he did.)_

He hauled the doors open, letting the dim light behind him spill into the deserted space. He reached around the corner, and turned on all the lights.

It was exactly how Donnie had left it. A mess, torn apart by April’s power.

To Mikey, it looked very wrong. Donnie’s lab always seemed messy and chaotic to him, but like this… it looked like a violation. A desecration of his brother’s favorite place. A smear on his memory.

Mikey’s grief ate at him as he stood there, staring at the destroyed space.

Maybe… maybe he could help, by cleaning away the obvious debree. Picking up the scattered equipment, removing the rubble, maybe sweep up the crushed stone and metal shards…

Mikey stepped all the way into the lab, and started searching for a place to begin.

He walked to the far side of the lab, and picked up the broom and dust pan from the corner.

The back of his neck prickled as he looked around the lab, an unsettled feeling crawling up his spine and shell. Probably because of what circumstances the disaster was from, and because of the still living and fresh grief that clung to Mikey.

He started walking through the lab, looking for a spot to begin.

He stopped, just a little from the far corner he’d been in, and stared at the abandoned beakers and mutagen samples. Donnie had still been working on the retromutagen when he… died.

Maybe he should clean that up too. Put it all away, as a last bit of respect to his brother’s work.

Mikey was sorry he hadn’t done more when Donnie was alive, to support him in that.

He was sorry about a lot of things. He regretted a lot of things.

The prickling pressure got worse, climbing into his skull. Mikey shook his head, and tried to get rid of the feeling.

He sometimes had the same feeling, standing in the doorway of Donnie’s old room. The feeling that something was supposed to be there, but wasn’t quite.

Mikey tried to ignore the growing sensation, and set down his broom and pan on the nearest empty table.

He’d start with the rocks and warped metal, move them to the sides so he could start sweeping. Then he’d get Raph and Leo to help him move them out completely…

Mikey surveyed the room, eyes skimming over the rubble and dust.

The prickling turned into a gripping sensation.

Mikey’s stomach twisted.

Maybe… maybe he should just leave.

No, he was being stupid. The sensation was just his imagination.

He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath, trying to steady himself.

It was just the grief. Just the grief.

He opened his eyes again, and started to examine the task at hand.

Mikey looked over the room once more, starting at the furthest corner where Donnie’s computer sat unused, and sliding across the scattered tables and chairs…

The feeling got worse.

He ignored it, swallowing thickly.

He was almost to the other side, still ignoring the gripping feeling, when something flashed in the corner of his eye.

Mikey’s eyes darted to the movement, just like every other time it’d happened. And-

His heart stopped.

There, standing with his shell to Mikey, was Donnie.

Mikey gasped- the air leaving his lungs- and the sensation of pressure and static filled his senses.

He stumbled forwards, pushing past the table he’d set his broom on. Mikey took three slow steps, then two faster ones, and then he started running.

“Donnie- _Donnie-!”_ Mikey cried out, shoving past obstacles without looking at them. Donnie didn’t turn around, didn’t acknowledge Mikey’s cries, but Mikey only ran faster to get across the stupidly huge lab. His brother- _his_ _brother was there he was right there-_

Mikey wasn’t looking where he was going, and-

-his foot caught on a twisted table leg, he stumbled and almost fell-

-he blinked, looking at the ground for only a moment, and then-

-he looked up, and-

-Donnie was gone.

Mikey was alone again, the lab as empty as when he’d entered.

The pressure on his senses vanished, leaving something akin to a cold sweat on Mikey’s scales.

His breath suddenly rushed back, and he gasped aloud, filling his lungs.

“D… Donnie?” Mikey asked quietly, voice echoing in the stillness of the lab.

No one answered, nothing moved.

Donnie was gone. 

 

 

 

No one believed Mikey afterwards.

But he knew what he saw, what he felt.

Donnie had been there. For that split second of time, Donnie had been there.

“Michelangelo, please…” Splinter said softly, kindly, gently and quietly- placing a hand on Mikey’s shoulders and rubbing soothingly. “Your brother… he has passed on. It was just your grief again, making you see things that are not really there. Do not poison your mind with such visions, they… they will only make the pain worse.”

For all his kindness, gentleness, softness and quietness- Splinter’s words didn’t ring true to Mikey.

His brothers gave him pitying looks, and offered similar words to their father’s.

Mikey didn’t listen.

He knew what he’d seen. He knew what he’d felt.

Donnie had been there, in his lab, for that moment.

Maybe he’d been with them all along.

Mikey clung to that hope, and refused to let it go.

His brother was alive, or at least… not gone just yet.

Mikey knew it. Donnie wouldn’t leave them like that, he _wouldn’t._

“Donnie… I’m here, okay?” Mikey said aloud, sitting in the vastness of his brother’s lab. The floor was cold, and the eerie stillness unnerved him. But, it wasn’t the same pressure as the first time.

Mikey sighed, leaning his head onto his drawn up knees. “I’m listening. I promise I’m listening. I’ll never not-listen again if you show yourself, I swear. No more being loud and stupid. Just… _please_ , Donnie…”

No one answered.

“… _please…”_

Mikey stayed in the lab until he fell asleep, cold and cramped on the floor in the middle of the devastation.

When he woke up, no one had come for him. Living or not.

He didn’t stop believing, regardless. 

 

_(Later, he’d be right to keep doing so. His brother wouldn’t leave them, not ever._

_That just wasn’t who Donnie was.)_

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Events progress further-

 

 

Under the strain of Donnie’s death, Raph watched as his youngest sibling started to crack.

Mikey, when he thought no one was watching, would call out to their brother, or start talking to him as though he were there. It happened again and again after he ‘saw’ their brother in the lab, Mikey talking into empty space.

Raph wanted to reach out, and shake Mikey until he came to whatever senses he had.

Donnie was gone. That was that, and there was no changing it.

Watching Mikey hold on to a stupid, pointless hope like he was- it was just painful.

Mostly, it was because Raph refused to have any himself.

If he couldn’t hope, then Mikey shouldn’t either.

Hoping against the odds like that- against the very laws of nature- it wouldn’t help anyone.

The only thing they could do now, was move on. Keep marching forwards, and forget the aching grief that clung to every inch of their home.

So while Mikey kept calling to their brother, Raph turned a blind eye, and tried to drown out the calls.

He buried himself in the manuals Donnie had collected and annotated, reading the words he never thought he would have to.

After the farm house- after almost losing one of their siblings to the Shredder- Donnie had told him in private that he was no longer so sure they would always be together. There was slim to no guarantee they would always make it out of the fight as a complete set, and Leo’s near death proved that fact.

Raph had scoffed, and ignored his brother’s worry.

He regretted that. He regretted a lot of what he’d brushed off from his brother. If only he’d listened more, if only he’d respected Donnie’s worries and concerns and paranoid planning…

Donnie had come to him when they returned home, with a passcode and a promise he needed to be made.

If Donnie ever disappeared, gone or dead or anything like that- then Raph needed to step up and take his place as mechanic.

Raph had shoved the written digits away, hiding the paper from sight, and refused to consider the idea of Donnie ever dying. They were brothers, they’d always be together. Simple as that, and Raph would make sure of it.

He hadn’t been able to do anything though, watching helplessly as April tore apart his little brother.

Donnie was gone, and he wasn’t coming back.

Days after that night, Raph dug out the passcode, and went to his brother’s lab.

He opened the safe box, and retrieved the manuals left to him.

He hadn’t put them down since.

 

 

 

 

_(…)_

 

 

 

Raph had lied when he said he hadn’t been seeing things.

The flashes of movement got worse, and he kept ignoring them.

They weren’t real. It was just the grief.

His father had told them, when Mikey first voiced his concerns, that Splinter himself had seen things after his wife’s passing. Brief glimpses of movement, the surety of someone’s presence nearby… it was just your memory playing tricks on you, trying and failing to fill the gap someone had left.

Having someone with you so long, and then having them simply vanish… it leaves a mark. It doesn’t heal right away, maybe not ever.

The shapes in the corner of Raph’s eye had to be just that, his memories playing tricks on him.

He’d had Donnie right beside him his whole life, every step of the way his brother had been there. Having Donnie gone… it felt like someone had chopped off one of Raph’s limbs.

There was meant to be four of them.

Now there was only three.

The flashes of movement continued, and Raph ignored them.

It wasn’t real. There wasn’t any hope. Donnie was gone and he was staying gone. Pointlessly hanging onto the impossible wasn’t something he’d let himself do.

It would just hurt worse.

He focused instead on trying to be like his brother, something he never imagined being.

He’d… he’d mocked Donnie, for years and years, for being a tech nerd. He’d relentlessly teased his brother for preferring sedentary activities to martial arts, and he’d only respected the inventions that came out of that when he could drive or blow them up.

Reading the manuals, struggling with the faulty wiring in their home, pushing his mind to comprehend and learn so much all at once… Raph started to understand just how much work and effort his brother put into their home.

His shame and regret mixed with his grief, and made him feel sick.

Donnie had done so much for them, and he’d paid the ultimate price trying save someone else.

Someone, who Raph wasn’t even sure had deserved saving.

Out of respect, and the desire for distraction, Raph did only two things. He read his brother’s manuals, memorizing the tight scrawl Donnie had written in each one, and exercised until he couldn’t stand anymore.

He’d lost one brother, he wouldn’t lose another.

His knuckles ached constantly, but he considered them fair price. He kept at it, hours and hours at his punching bag, and even longer hours spent pouring over his deceased brother’s words.

His arms hurt while he tried to fix their breaking electrical devices, but Raph ignored that pain.

Just like he ignored the shapes in the corner of his eye.

 

 

 

_(…..)_

 

 

 

Raph paused on the edge of the lab’s doors, left open for some reason. His hand on the door handle, he looked into the room for whoever had entered it this time.

Mikey was in the back of the lab, again, standing the middle of what had been the epicenter of April’s explosion.

Raph stepped quickly out of sight, putting his shell to the wall beside the door.

He knew what was coming.

_“Donnie, I’m here. Please try appearing again…? I promise I won’t look away this time.”_

Raph’s heart clenched, listening to Mikey yet again talk to himself in the desolate laboratory.

_“…okay. I’ll wait right here. I’m not going anywhere this time. I promise. I won’t zone out either, just in case I miss you again…”_

Raph put a hand over his eyes, and took a long shuddering breath.

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fucking fair.

_“…please, Donnie. We miss you.”_

Raph opened his stinging eyes- dropping his hand- and stared hard at the stone ground under his feet.

The lights in the lab flickered, and the wave went through the rest of the lair. A momentary roll of lights dimming, and then brightening again.

Something prickled up Raph’s neck, and he rubbed the spot roughly.

He needed to look at the fuse box again, see if he could replace a part somewhere in it and stop the flickers.

He felt stupid, trying for weeks to identify a problem that Donnie probably could’ve spotted with his eyes shut. Would’ve repaired in a second too, an easy smile and a reassurance that whatever was wrong, he’d fix it…

Raph rubbed his eyes, smearing the tinge of wetness into his mask.

It wasn’t fair.

Mikey wasn’t talking anymore, probably sitting silently on the lab floor like he’d taken to doing.

Raph stepped away from the wall, and went to get his manuals and tools; pressing down on his inner turmoil, and trying to move forwards.

The lights in the lab flickered once more, and then didn’t again.

 

 

 

_(….…)_

 

 

 

Raph opened the back panel of an arcade game, taking a look at its internal workings.

They’d been resetting themselves again. A minor inconvenience, but… the first time it’d happened, it’d erased their collective gaming history and scores.

Including Donnie’s.

Just one more piece of his existence, gone.

Raph tried to shake that painful bit of knowledge, telling himself that it didn’t matter. It was just a dumb game score, and not even a top roster one. They still had the lab and Donnie’s abandoned room. He… his memory wasn’t completely gone.

Still though. It bothered Raph, that life felt the need to take this too; the evidence that his brother had played these games with them, that they’d shared this space and activity together.

Raph closed his eyes for a moment, steadied himself, and resumed looking at the internal mechanisms of the game.

While he couldn’t do anything for the game if it was a technical problem in the coding, he could at least check for dust build up, maybe a loose wire somewhere…

He pulled his manual- volume four of eight- closer, and started comparing the images in the manual to the machine in front of him.

Nothing unusual, which disheartened and frustrated him. There had to be something, something he could at least _try_ to fix…

Familiar and hot anger built in his throat, and he grit his teeth.

He felt useless. Useless and stupid.

He couldn’t figure out a simple arcade game, let alone all the stuff Donnie wanted him to do. The cars, their mechanized weaponry, the general upkeep of the lair…

He wasn’t Donnie.

He couldn’t _be_ Donnie.

He didn’t want to be his brother.

He wanted his brother back.

Raph slumped on himself, dropping the manual into his lap and curling around it.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t. fucking. _fair._

 _She_ was alive, while his brother was _dead._

And she was the one who killed him. April killed Donnie, and then left without a look back.

Raph had cared about her, deeply. She was as much a part of their family as Donnie had been, sharing their way of life and their battles.

Now though, Raph was furious and hurt and so… so tired…

April walked, breathed, _lived_ still, and they hadn’t even been able to cremate Donnie’s body.

“Fuck you,” He whispered, aiming the sentiment at someone far, far from his empty feeling home. “It should have been you.”

Pressure built in the back of his head, and something unpleasant prickled up his spine and shell.

He rubbed his neck, starting to let the pointless anger drain out of him. There wasn’t any use getting angry right now, he had work to do. April… he couldn’t… didn’t want to do anything to her, revenge or otherwise. It wouldn’t help anything anyways.

The prickling feeling got worse, and he scratched at the back of his neck.

Something flashed inside the machine in front of him.

Raph peered closer, slowly taking his hand off his neck. Again, light flashed inside the machine.

An arc of electricity, darting across exposed wires. Another one, and then another one…

Something started to press on Raph’s senses, but he ignored the sensation. He’d found the problem, probably an exposed inner layer of a wire somewhere in that tangle…

A sudden and loud burst of noise behind him made Raph start, whipping his head around towards the source.

Another one of their arcade games, a few feet away, had turned on. Cheery colors and characters danced across the screen, their theme music blaring from the speakers.

Raph frowned.

He’d turned it off. He’d turned them all off. None of them should be working right now, not with their switches flipped…

His eyes widened, as another one turned itself on.

Then another.

And another.

The one he was sitting closest to sparked inside itself, and with that flash of bright electricity, started blaring its theme music as well.

Raph rushed onto his feet, putting distance between himself and the crackling electricity. The sound of each video game got louder, mixing with the crackling of the electricity.

Raph turned in circles, trying to wrap his head around what was happening.

That shouldn’t be possible, they were all supposed to be off right now, he remembered doing that to each and every one of them-

The screens burned brighter and brighter, the cheery colors becoming painful to look at. The arcade games’ music blared so loud it started becoming static, turning the already horrible cacophony worse.

Raph was reminded of their TV’s fate, watching half blinded as the video games inched towards self-destruction.

He squinted, partially covering his eyes against the lights. Their main room’s lights had blown themselves out earlier that day, and he’d been working in dimness and with only a flashlight. The sudden sources of painful sound and light were a shock to his senses, giving him no time to adjust.

Raph fumbled through the light and noise, trying to find the main cords to unplug the machines with. They were some of Donnie’s best gifts to them; he wouldn’t let them blow their circuitries to smithereens.

The pressure in his head suddenly increased to a dizzying level, and Raph stumbled.

Half blind, Raph tried to catch his suddenly winded breath.

The sensation of prickling awareness crawled up his spine, and scored over his nerves.

The static and lights grew louder, and brighter.

He had to find the plugs; he had to save the machines before- before-

Raph, still trying to see the black cords through the lights, stopped dead where he stood.

Just barely, through the flashing lights from the arcade games- he could see a figure.

A half hidden figure, just on the outside of the circle of arcade machines. Standing, looming, perfectly still and silent.

Raph’s heart stuttered, and his throat closed.

There… there was only one person in their family that shape, that size…

Raph’s head felt like someone was squeezing it, and his eyes stung from the light.

 _“Who’s there?”_ He demanded, barely getting his voice over the screaming machines. _“Who are you?!”_

There- there was no way-

Raph couldn’t move, could barely see-

-the figure was still there, mostly in shadow. Just. _staring-_

-his hands shook, and he couldn’t seem to breathe at all-

-dark and tall, the figure- it had to be Donnie, that _had to be Donnie-_

-Raph choked on his own words, unable to push them out of his clenching throat-

-Donnie was still there, unmoving and still hidden in shadow despite the flaring lights-

-Raph’s eyes watered as the overhead lights of the lair came on, the machines around him screaming with static and garbled noise-

-Donnie was there, _right there he was right there-_

-he- he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, but he- he had to reach out- had to get to his brother-

 _“Donnie!”_ Raph gasped, finally breaking the vice on his throat. _“DONNIE!”_

His brother stood there, shadowed and barely visible, but he was _there and Mikey had been right-_

Raph tried to move forwards, reaching out towards the dark figure just outside the flashing lights-

Then-

The arcade games exploded, screens shattering and throwing sparks everywhere.

Raph threw himself onto the floor, finally freed from the freezing grip of _something_. His elbows broke his fall, and he covered his head as the glass spray hit the floor.

Raph raised his head slowly, the pressure on him suddenly gone and his lungs functioning again.

There was no one standing outside the circle of machines.

He was alone, just him on the floor while the arcade games began to smoke.

Raph couldn’t force himself to stand again for a solid few minutes, feeling shaken and in shock.

He could barely think at all, save for one thing.

Mikey had been right.

 

 

 

_(………..)_

“I _saw him,_ alright?” Raph insisted for the fifth time. “He was right there, I know what I saw!”

“If you’re doing this in some backwards way to make Mikey feel better-” Leo hissed, glaring at him. “- _then you better stop right. now._ He doesn’t need you making fun of him like that, he’s already struggling as it is- _”_

“I’m not fucking _lying!”_ Raph hissed back, squaring his shoulders and glaring at his brother. “I wouldn’t do that, not about this. _Especially_ not about this.”

“That’s insane, Donnie couldn’t be-”

“I’m not saying he _is,_ alright? I’m just saying… Mikey’s right about him not being gone. At least, not all the way.”

“You’re saying our brother is a ghost.”

“We’ve dealt with them before, and master Splinter was technically one for a while there…”

“That’s not the same and you know it,” Leo said, his expression becoming guarded. “Master Splinter was separated from his body; _Donnie_ was… he was vaporized. He doesn’t _have_ a body anymore.”

“That doesn’t mean he’s gone,” Raph said, finding conviction in his words. He hadn’t believed in anything for a while now, not even himself. It was a relief to have that again. “Donnie was there, even if… even if it wasn’t quite him.”

Leo looked at him for a long moment, then glanced away. In the privacy of their kitchen, empty except for them, he seemed to let down the shield he’d had up since that night.

“You were the one who said we needed to move on,” Leo said, voice quiet and tired. “You said we shouldn’t hold onto things that were impossible.”

Raph glanced down at his hands, laid flat on the table they sat at. He turned them over, and looked at the electrical burn he’d gotten from touching the wires after Donnie’s… appearance.

“Looks like I was wrong,” Raph said, staring at the burns on his hands.

Leo didn’t say anything to that.

Later though… Mikey did.

“I told you,” He said, staring hard at Raph from the floor. They stood, and sat, in the lab. Mikey stared up at him, gaze tinged with hurt. “I told you. I wasn’t lying.”

“I know,” Raph said, wanting to look away from the hurt in his brother’s expression, and finding himself unable to. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.”

Mikey stared at him for a moment longer, and then turned away. “Doesn’t matter. You guys never believe me anyways.”

“I’m sorry,” Raph repeated, remembering the times they’d all done that to Mikey, and regretting them. He regretted a lot of what he’d done to his brothers lately.

Mikey nodded vaguely, still not looking at him.

“Do you want me to leave?”

A pause of silence, and then-

“No. Maybe he’ll come back again if we’re together.”

Raph ended up sitting with his brother on the cold floor, talking quietly late into the day.

Donnie didn’t appear again, but spending time with Mikey for the first time in weeks… it wasn’t so bad, that by itself.

 

 

 

_(…._

_…._

_…._

_…h͕̗̮̺͔̜͈͠ ̴̫̮̼͈̱̮͓̜̝̘͚̦͓̺̭͖e͠͏̩͖̟̺̤̙̙ ̬̺̠̠͕̤̥̮̕͟ḷ̡̠̥̤̥̟̦̲̲̳̗̩͇͕̺̱̘̟͡ ̴҉̵̸̲̖͍͎͕͉̩̪̪̤͈̼͉̜͟p̸̺̭̰̜̮̼̫̯̮̦̰͚̞̗̪͞ͅ_

_…._

_…m̸̧̧̛͙̩̗̠͉͚͉͚̭̠͞ ̨̳̫̣͉͢e͠҉̴̡͈̺̺̰͝_

_…)_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -the mystery deepens.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spook shit be lit.

 

 

A night after Raph came to him with the news that Donnie… that Donnie might not be really dead… Leo finally had to get out of his suffocating home.

Skimming over roof tops, barely pausing to touch the buildings he ran across, Leo wandered aimlessly in the night.

It was one thing for Mikey to claim the impossible, but it was a complete other for Raph to.

He ran, wind whistling past him, without any real idea of what he was running from.

Maybe his home. Maybe his family.

Probably though, he ran from his grief. Just like he had for the past weeks.

His brothers had talked to their father last night, explaining their experiences together. With two of them having ‘seen’ Donnie, it was hard for them to deny the evidence. Splinter had… well, Leo wasn’t entirely sure what that expression had been on his father’s face.

Shock? Hurt? Hope?

Fear?

Leo still couldn’t tell.

But, there was hope; something they hadn’t had in a long while.

Leo just had no idea what to do with it.

Donnie though, he’d always had a plan, always had a solution. For anything, for everything.

When Leo and his living siblings had started training again, patching the hole in their defenses… Leo had had to rework all of his go-to battle strategies.

He never realized how many of them pivoted on Donnie being there. Leo had forgotten that, just how many times it was Donnie who saved their lives.

Now he had to save Donnie’s, if it was even savable, and he didn't know where to start

It sounded too good to be true, the chance that Donnie might come back to them. Even if… even if he wasn’t really him anymore.

The appearance to Mikey hadn’t been malicious seeming, but the one to Raph… the destruction of the arcade games, and the television before that, and the lights burning themselves out in the lair…

Was that thing really Donnie, then?

He, or it, hadn’t acknowledged Mikey at all, and had nearly hurt Raph with the spray of glass.

Donnie would never hurt any of them, ever. But that apparition… the supposed spirit…

Leo wasn’t so sure, and that was part of what drove him from his home.

That, and the persisting feeling… of being watched.

Leo paused on top of an apartment building, dropping onto a cluster of air conditioning units. The area around him was quiet, the only sounds coming from the humming machines and the distant car traffic.

A quick glance around, and he sat down on top of the units.

He’d missed this sound, the sound of machinery at work. He never thought he would, but his home… the lair was too silent without Donnie’s constant tinkering and building. With the soft humming of the machines surrounding him, for a moment, Leo relaxed.

Then, he sighed in frustration, feeling the soothing effect of the conditioners already wearing off.

He hadn’t felt relaxed since that night, and he hadn’t wanted to anyways.

He didn’t feel like he deserved to.

Leo stood up again, scolding himself for sitting still and letting those thoughts catch up with him. The point of the run was to _not_ think, rather than mire in negativity like he was…

He had enough of that in his home already; however buoyed it was now by an emerging hope. A very tentative, and suspicious hope.

Leo stepped off the air conditioner he’d sat on, and dropped silently onto the roof top cement. He needed to keep going, sitting around and letting his grief slip through the cracks of his mind wouldn’t bring him any peace.

Leo shivered, a sudden gust of cold air rushing past him. It was oddly cool that night, the temperature dropping steadily since the sun set. It was almost fall now, smack in the rainy season.

Leo wasn’t a big fan of rain storms anymore. He didn’t think anyone in his family was.

A loud noise startled him, making him whirl around and put a hand on his katana hilt.

A large billow of steam escaped a vent opening, the cloud being whisked across the roof by the wind. It swirled past Leo, obscuring his sight for a moment.

Leo released his sword’s hilt, and reprimanded himself for being so jumpy. There wasn’t anyone around except for himself, and the… the appearances of his brother had only happened at home. He was alone.

He laughed softly, shaking his head. He was being ridiculous, too much thinking and not enough running; it was making his paranoia act up.

A prickling sensation went up his spine, and Leo froze.

Leo slowly put his hand back on his katana, and this time withdrew it.

His sixth sense for nearby enemy presences flared, an eerie feeling sweeping through him.

Maybe he wasn’t alone as he’d thought.

Leo turned in a slow circle, swords raised, checking for anyone on the surrounding roof tops. The Shredder was still out there, still a threat. Leo could’ve wandered right into the paths of his enemies; he _had_ been a bit spaced out after all…

A crackle of electricity to his right, and Leo turned his head. An arc of light spread across the linked wires of a telephone pole, spider webbing from the distributers.

Leo shivered again, the air around him dropping in temperature.

“Donnie?” He ventured, cautiously glancing around for his brother’s apparition. “Is that you?”

No answer, just the wires sparking again. Then-

Leo jumped, surprised by the vents opening again and spewing more steam. His heart rate climbed, as something started to whine through the air.

He winced, feeling pressure build in his ears. The cloud of steam blew around him, and the flashes of electricity turned the white cloud blinding.

This was really starting to resemble Raph’s encounter.

“Donnie if it’s you, then show yourself!” Leo said, raising his voice to be louder than the hissing wires. “Tell me if this is real or not!”

Leo flinched back, the electrical distributors on the telephone pole letting loose a shower of sparks. He felt like someone was watching him, making his lungs and breathing tight.

Leo turned in circles, still looking for what might be his brother.

The prickling sensation, like the one Raph and Mikey had described, raked up his spine. He shuddered, the feeling going through his whole body.

The vents released more steam, covering most of the roof.

The whine in Leo’s ears got louder, and he- it-

It sounded like-

Like a high pitched ringing-

The pressure in Leo’s ears built, and his eyes skittered around searching for a source of the sound. He couldn’t find one, couldn’t place what the ringing was, but-

Whatever it was, it hurt.

The steam vent opened again, spewing clouds over the roof top and obscuring Leo’s vision.

The crackling wires got louder, growing arcs of manmade lightning.

Leo hissed through his teeth, fighting to keep his head in the situation, despite the choking sensation of real and actual fear.

"Donnie! If it really is you-" Leo shouted, looking for any sign of his brother. "-then answer me! I'm listening, so talk to me!"

Something whined through the air, accompanied by the growing electrical arcs along the telephone poles. Leo’s ears hurt, and his limbs felt heavy, but- there was a presence here, and if his brothers were right then it had to be their lost sibling-

Another vent of steam, covering the whole roof top. The steam was blinding, the flashing from the malfunctioning wires turning it painful white.

 _"Donnie! Answer me!"_ Leo yelled again, trying to see through the steam.

The whine got louder, and his temples throbbed. The pressure was still building, following the horrible crawling sensation digging into his skull.

The steam blew around him, obscuring nearly everything.

And Leo-

He saw, just for a split second through the steam- right near the edge of the rooftop and close to the arcing electricity-

His brother.

Leo froze, staring at the figure just outside the clouding steam. The crackling wires beside the building hid Donnie’s expression from him, casting Leo’s brother into shadow, but-

It was Donnie.

_It was his brother-_

“Donnie- _Donnie!”_ Leo yelled, dropping one of his swords and running towards the figure, hand outstretched, reaching for his brother-

The cloud of steam covered them both, same time as the wires and electrical boxes overloaded. An explosion of power and electricity, and it blinded Leo completely.

And Leo’s hand-

-met thin air.

The steam cleared, the whine vanished, and the telephone wires went dead.

Leo was frozen, hand still outstretched at nothingness on the very edge of the rooftop. Donnie was gone. He’d vanished again.

Leo’s breath hitched, then returned, and he clenched his empty hand.

Why.

Why why _why-_

He fell to his knees, and took harsh gulps of warm air- replacing the freezing feeling in his chest. He was alone again, not a single soul on the rooftop except for himself.

A cold wind swept past him, clearing the remaining steam. Leo shut his eyes, and bowed his head as he grit his teeth.

It wasn’t fair.

He’d tried so hard to protect his family, lead his team right-

And the enemy that finally took one of his brothers from him, she’d-

She’d come from within their own family, and he never even saw it coming.

And now, his brother might be alive, might truly be dead-

Either or.

It didn't matter.

Donnie was trapped somewhere, and calling to them.

And Leo had no idea how to help him.

His phone buzzed in his belt, startling him into sitting up. It buzzed again, and Leo shakily moved his hand to take it out. The screen showed it was Raph. Leo answered the call, holding his t-phone up to his still sore ear.

“…h-hello?” He answered.

_“Leo? Something happen? You sound weird.”_

“I…” Leo swallowed thickly, still reeling from the onslaught of whatever that experience had been. “I saw him.”

_“...”_

“I saw him, you were both right,” Leo whispered, glancing around himself. “He- he was here. He followed me out of the lair.”

_“…I was just callin’ to tell you somethin’ about that.”_

“Did he show up there too?”

_“Not… not exactly. We had a crazy lightshow happen just now, and then everything went back to normal. I… I was callin’ to see if you saw anything too. Guess I got my answer to that.”_

Leo laughed humorlessly. He suddenly felt extraordinarily tired, and wanted very badly to go home.

No more running for tonight, he… he needed to be near his family.

_“You… you okay Leo? You’re kinda freakin’ me out.”_

“I’m fine, just… shaken, is all. I’m coming home right now,” Leo said, forcing his legs to push him off the ground.

_“Yeah, sounds good. Tell us what happened when you get back, alright?”_

“I will. Um, it was definitely something I’d like to…” Leo glanced at the short few feet he’d stopped from the ledge. “…to talk about. Yeah.”

_“We’ll be waiting. Hurry home.”_

“I will, promise.”

 

 

 

 

 

_(……_

_…………._

_………_

_…………I̗͉̪̭̼'̭̞͔̲̫͡ ҉̰̥̼͖̻̥m̧̗̯͉͉̰̳͝.͖̭̠̜͓̱͠.̸̺̤̘͖̬̫̯͟͞ͅ.͖̮̫̰͘͟͝.̨̠̮̠̪̤̹͢_

_̴̞̻̼̭̩ͅh̷̬̘͙͇̠̮̥͠ ̶̰̥̙̬͇͖̹͟ḙ̵̱̳̤͕̯̳̜ ̨̨̗̤̰̦̦̼̻͎͙̀r҉̜̜̺͜ ̡̟̼̬͕̰͡e̸͇͙̠̗̕.̵̮̳.͚̘͍͠͝.̶̢̹̖͉̣̤̙.̴͍̜̜̫̤̩̫̼.̟.͙̠̟̲̺͝.̘̼.̵͇͎̞̪͜_

_..……_

_….)_

 

 

 

 

 

Casey knocked the feet out from under the gangster he was fighting, and swung his hockey stick down again onto the man’s chest.

The man wheezed, and Casey repeated the action.

“That’ll teach you to go walkin’ ‘round here like you own the place,” He snarled, kicking the man’s side. Casey backed off, watching as the no name Purple Dragon tried to push himself off the ground. He smacked his hockey stick against the ground, making the man flinch. “Now get the hell outta here before I make you even _sorrier_ , you hear me?”

“You- you’re _crazy,_ man,” The man hissed angrily, struggling to stand up still. “I wasn’t doin’ _nothin’-”_

Casey whipped his favorite weapon out, and slammed it into the dumpster beside him; the echoing clang cutting off the gangster’s words.

“I said, _get the hell outta here,”_ He growled. _“Now.”_

The Purple Dragon didn’t protest again, running deeper into the alleyway and around the corner.

Casey scoffed, and rubbed his nose. He should’ve felt better after that, taking a piece of scum and showing him who was boss.

But he didn’t.

Casey growled under his breath, and kicked a stray can by his foot.

No matter how many guys he went after, no matter how many no good punks he beat up, Casey didn’t feel better at all.

If anything, it made him feel worse.

He hadn’t felt anything but agitated and angry since… since Donnie had died.

“Man, fuck this,” Casey muttered, starting deeper into the back alley. Maybe he’d follow the guy he’d just beat up, and find a nest of Dragons somewhere… yeah, that’d probably help him release some pent up emotions. Definitely.

Because the last five times he’d done that had worked _so_ well.

Casey hated the fact that that thought sounded so much like his deceased friend.

Something moved in the corner of his eye, and he spun, raising his weapon again.

“Who’s there?” He asked loudly, searching for the source of movement. Nothing moved in the dimly lit back road. “If you’re lookin’ to get some pay back for your friend, then fuckin’ _bring it_. I got all the time in the world to deal with you scumbags.”

No one emerged, and Casey lowered his hockey stick.

That… that’d been happening a lot lately. He’d be sure there was someone following him, and then there’d be nothing there. Fucking creepy.

Casey grimaced, and turned back around to keep walking.

So maybe he’d lied to Raph, that he hadn’t seen anything weird lately. He wasn’t sure _why_ he had, but he had.

It wasn’t anything big, just weird shapes in the corner of his sight that always disappeared when he turned around. It wasn’t even near the level of weird he’d dealt with before, so he figured it was nothing.

Besides, he had other things to focus on. Like bashing in some skulls.

Casey passed under some overhead streetlights, making his way through the back alleys of an apartment district. Even if the lights were shit quality, and sometimes flickered, there were a lot of them; to keep residents safe when they went to dump their trash.

Didn’t really work sometimes, since a lot of the small time criminals in the area didn’t give a shit if there was light or not…

The ones in front of Casey flickered, just like he expected them to maybe do. He shrugged it off though, since he’d gotten used to working in the dark. Hanging around ninjas would do that to you.

He hadn’t seen the guys in a while though. Not even Raph. Not since…

Casey hadn’t been able to see them, barely talked to them either.

It felt like, if he actually _saw_ that Donnie was gone… then he really would be.

Casey kicked another stray tin across the road. He really needed to find some more people to brawl with. Thinking about that shit… he didn’t like it. Didn’t like having to face it.

The streetlights flickered again, and then went dark, plunging the area into blackness.

Casey glanced up at them, and down the street. Weird, all of them going dead at once…

The back of his prickled, and Casey felt the hair on his arms rise.

He slowly raised his hockey stick, and got ready for a fight. This didn’t seem like Purple Dragon work, more like…

“Hey Foot fucks, c’mon out and fight like you mean it,” Casey taunted, sneering at the shadows around him. “Hidin’ in the dark, not cool dudes. Face me one on one.”

Something crawled up his spine, sending shivers through the rest of his body. Something darted in the corner of his eye, and Casey spun.

Nothing. Just more shadows.

The crawling feeling turned into a sharp prickle, twisting around his throat.

Weird, he never got scared during fights. Not even against enemies four times his size.

Light flashed above his head, and Casey looked up at the streetlights. White arcs of electricity were running up and down the wires connecting them to the power grids, and the bulbs were dimming and brightening sporadically.

Casey swallowed, and licked his lips nervously.

Okay… maybe not Foot either.

He tensed, feeling another wave of _something_ crawling up his spine.

Something flashed behind him, and he suddenly felt reluctant to check what it was.

Cold sweat dripped down the side of his face, and his breathing rate hitched. He- he hadn’t even been running, what was going on?

Casey felt something right behind him, watching. Waiting.

He swallowed again, throat feeling tight.

He didn’t want to turn around.

The lights above him flared again, crackling with power.

Something started whining, ringing through the air. It put Casey’s nerves further on edge, and stabbed at his hearing.

He could still feel the thing behind him. Still waiting, still watching.

The lights above flickered faster, lighter and darker and lighter and darker-

Slowly… Casey forced himself to turn around.

The streetlights crackled, the sound of the whining ringing getting louder-

-and there, just thirty feet down the alley-

-standing silently, the light around him strobing-

-was Donnie.

Casey couldn’t breathe.

He stared, shocked and unsettled and whole heartedly terrified.

Donnie stared at him, unmoving.

“Don… _Donnie?”_ Casey whispered hoarsely.

The lights through the alley went dark, then came back on, and-

-Donnie was suddenly closer.

Casey jolted, stumbling backwards in fear. A rolling wave of heavy pressure went over him, coming from Donnie’s direction.

The lights went off, then came back on-

-Donnie reappeared another few feet forwards.

And Casey-

He started running.

Casey ran, the lights above him flickering faster and faster. He could- he could _feel_ Donnie following him. Or was that even his friend-?

Donnie was _dead_ , and yet-

Casey stumbled, his legs not cooperating for some reason. He recovered, and kept running; the pressuring increasing all around him and slowly strangling his lungs.

Someone, some _thing_ was following him- no way that was Donnie, Donnie wouldn’t-

The lights ahead of Casey exploded, showering sparks and shattered glass onto the pavement. The only source of light now was the ones behind him.

Casey’s body locked up, the creeping crawling _strangling_ sensation holding him in place.

His lungs burned, not getting enough of the frigid air he inhaled.

Something’s presence pushed against him, and no matter how much Casey wanted to, he couldn’t move.

The whine in the air turned into a buzzing sound, getting louder and closer-

-it- it sounded almost like-

Casey’s brow beaded with sweat, and his throat clenched.

-it sounded like static.

Every light in the area exploded, plunging everything into darkness.

Abruptly, the sensation and sound vanished.

Casey’s legs gave out, and he caught himself on his elbows, heaving lungs finally taking in cool but not cold air.

He waited for something to happen, but nothing did.

He was alone again, the aching pressure having ended the same time the lights exploded.

Casey climbed to his feet- keeping his shaky grip on his hockey stick- and searched in the darkness for the thing that’d… attacked him? It hadn’t _hurt_ him, but…

Casey laughed hoarsely, adrenaline and fear mixing into a facsimile of humor.

What the fuck.

_What the actual fuck._

Casey booked it out of the alley, heading straight for the well-lit and very busy streets populated with living people.

His legs and lungs burned, but he kept running.

Only when he’d gotten in front of an eye achingly bright store, he stopped to dig out his phone. He scrolled through his contacts, and fumbled the keys to call his friends.

_“Hello?”_

“Raph- Raph holy _fuck-”_ Casey spun, darting glances all around himself. “-I lied. I lied about seeing weird shit and I really really should not have because _Jesus-fucking-Christ_ I think I just lost like fifty years off my goddamn lifespan- like holy fucking _shit_ \- I can’t- I can’t even-”

_“Whoa, slow down. What the fuck happened to you?”_

“I saw your brother,” Casey gasped. “I _saw him._ He fucking cornered me in an alley and- and- just holy _shit_ , Raph. What the _fuck_ was that?!”

_“…”_

“Fucking _answer me_ , Raph, I’m not foolin’ around here!” Casey hissed, struggling to control his temper and heartrate.

_“So you saw him too.”_

“What do you mean _‘too’_? What the hell is going on?!”

_“…Mikey saw ‘im first, then me. Leo saw him just a half hour ago. Guess we know where he went after that.”_

Casey barked a laugh, knowing full well how freaky he looked to casual shoppers nearby, and not giving a damn. “So what, you tellin’ me he ain’t dead?”

 _“We’re not really sure, but… he’s shown up four times now. He’s definitely_ something _.”_

“Well shit,” Casey said, a mildly hysterical grin on his face. “He’s definitely _that_ alright, scared the bejeezus out of me.”

_“What’d he do?”_

“Pulled some horror movie shit, that’s what. Lights and everything. Scariest fuckin’ thing I ever saw.”

_“…you should get down to the lair. We’re holding a family meeting. If this really is Donnie… he’s getting stronger. That’s two appearances in one night.”_

“No shit,” Casey muttered, finally starting to reign himself in. Ha, adrenaline and fear. Wasn’t often he got that cocktail of feelings.

_“Sensei’s trying to contact him right now.”_

“Oh because that _always_ works out swell in horror movies.”

_“It’s Donnie, this isn’t like that.”_

Casey grimaced, recalling the sensation of being held by that phantom pressure, and the skull aching buzz that’d gone through him.

He wasn’t so sure about Raph’s opinion of things.

_“So you gettin’ down here or what?”_

“Count on it, I’ll be over soon as I can,” Casey replied, already starting to head off.

_“Be quick ‘bout it, we’re not sure what else could happen tonight. Give us a complete run down of what you saw when you get here, got it?”_

“Sure thing, buddy, suuuure thing.”

_“…he really shook you up, didn’t he?”_

Casey laughed aloud again, feeling exactly as shaken as Raph probably thought he was. “Oh yeah. Dunno if I’m gonna sleep tonight.”

_“I don’t think there’s gonna be much sleepin’ for a while here. Buckle up for it.”_

“Ten-four, dude. See you all in thirty or less.”

_“Great. Keep yourself outta trouble till then, got it?”_

“Me? Get in trouble? Never.”

_“Yeah right.”_

Casey laughed again, and kept his friend on the line until he got to the lair.

Cuss him out for it, but forgive him for not wanting to be completely alone with a poltergeist running around.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_(…._

_………._

_……._ _I̵̯͚̝ ̡̜̻̠̟̠͍̳͢t̼.͠͏̲̝̲.̡͉͍͍͖͙̰̬.̨̫͚͍̀.̲̠̪̭͖͖̹ͅ_

_……_ _̧̹͚̗͚̭͎̠́ͅh͔͍̹̜̺̥̙ ̸̧͓̗̠̳ͅu̫̘͖̭͡ ͍̜̟̫̻͍͉̲̕ͅr̴͏͇̺͙̣̲ ̶̠̺̹̪̹̪̻̕̕t̢͎̤͈̳̪̖ ̯͙͕̪̖͟s̡̛̳̮̹͎͙.͙̫̟̗́͠.̫̀͞.̦̥̪͜.̭̹̺͉͉͉̯̰͇_

_……._

_….._

_…….)_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> s̪̺̞̺͇p̨̜̮o̫̙͚̮̖̣͢o͚̰̩̳̥̥̯͞k̛͕͉̣̝̰̲̣͠ ̗̖̞̯́́͞s̠͜h̙͎̟͖̞͟i̙̹͖͙͇̳͝t͇͚̜͔̮́ͅ ̷̟͕̘͔b̶̵͖̫e͎̳͎ ̵̵̶͚̖͙̼̖l̶̲͔̝̺̣̙̕̕i̝͕̝̼͔t̳.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY
> 
> SO I POSTED THIS LAST NIGHT AND DIDNT NOTICE THE DEMONIC HAS FORMATTED INTO UNREADABLE GARBAGE
> 
> IM SO FUCKING SORRY GUYS IT LOOKED GOOD AT ONE IN THE MORNING ALRIGHT
> 
> IM AWAY FROM MY DESKTOP RIGHT NOW AND WILL BE FOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS BECAUSE MY YOUNGER SISTER DRAGGED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE FOR ONCE
> 
> IM SO SORRY GUYS THAT TEXT WAS MEANT TO BE READABLE AND IM FIERCELY EMBARESSED RIGHT NOW
> 
> ILL FIX IT BY THIS AFTERNOON  
> AND AGAIN, SO FRICKING SORRY.
> 
> edit/update: Okay so it looks like only mobile users are having trouble. I'm sorry folks, I'll see what I can do to make it more readable for ya'll.

 

 

Splinter slowly bent his knees, sweeping his foot forwards in a smooth movement. He paused, holding the position for a breath, then slowly moved back again.

His ancient radio played quietly in the background of his dojo, the gentle music aiding his attempt at relaxation.

Splinter breathed out, shifting into a new stance.

Tai chi had always helped him relax, as well as sharpen his mind. And with the years taking their toll on him, it provided a less strenuous activity to keep him limber, versus the ninjutsu he taught his sons.

His sons…

Splinter’s heart ached, thinking of his sons.

His surviving three, so lost without their brother’s presence. And his third eldest, perhaps still reachable after all.

But… Donatello had not answered him the night prior, no matter how Splinter had cast himself out into the mental realms. He had tried the whole night, but no answer had come to him. If his boy was still among them, still on their plane of existence… he hadn’t responded to Splinter’s calls.

Donatello…

Splinter breathed out slowly, holding his outstretched arms steady.

For the last month and some weeks, Splinter had struggled to come to terms with his son’s death. He felt that perhaps… had he gone with his son, or forced him to remain within the lair, or trained his young kunoichi better…

Something. Anything.

_“I can get through to her, Sensei. I know I can.”_

How wrong Donatello had been, how deeply that had saddened Splinter. It had nearly broken him; hearing the loss of his son, and the betrayal from one of their own.

So many times, too many times… betrayal and loss, Splinter had suffered many of those. And now, his children too had suffered so.

Splinter sighed, and pulled his arms back to himself; preparing for the next stance.

Out of everything, what Splinter regretted most was not telling his son he loved him, before he’d gone to confront April.

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d done so, telling his third child how deeply he cared for him, how he treasured him.

He’d let his brightest and most curious child drift from him, and Splinter regretted that more than anything.

Now, with the chance to right that wrong… Splinter prayed. He prayed against all hope and reason that he would get that chance.

To restore his family, to give his sons back their missing piece.

And if not that… then to help his son’s restless soul find peace, and move onwards.

Splinter’s radio crackled with static for a moment, making his ears twitch. Then, it resumed its normal sound again; still playing the meditation CD his third son had made for him years ago.

Splinter swept out his leg, and slowly moved into a lunge.

He would try soon again tonight, to contact his son. Donatello had appeared to his other children, including Casey. Surely that would mean he would eventually appear to Splinter. And then, when he did, Splinter finally ask him why-

The lights above Splinter flickered, a rolling wave of dimming.

The hair on the back of Splinter’s neck stood up, followed by all the fur down his back.

He slowly moved back from his lunge, a creeping feeling moving over him.

Ah. Perhaps this was it then.

Splinter’s radio crackled and hissed, the music turning to static. The lights dimmed and brightened again, the patterns uneven across the room. With his sharp hearing, Splinter could hear his three sons outside the dojo, exclamations of distress and the shouting of their brother’s name.

Calmly, Splinter folded his hands together, standing straight despite the heaviness of the air.

Even the warmth of his fur, Splinter momentarily shivered; a dramatic drop in temperature surrounding him.

He had been waiting for this, hoping for this.

On the side of the room, his radio screeched; static becoming a buzzing, whirring saw in the air.

“Donatello,” Splinter said, addressing the presence he felt behind him.

A response in the form of flickering lights, and an increase of pressure on Splinter’s lungs.

“I… I have been waiting for you, my son,” Splinter said, controlling himself under the crawling fear that was infecting the air.

His radio hissed, the speakers popping with static.

Splinter closed his eyes, trying to steady his breath rate. His lungs felt tight and uncooperative, the air he breathed frigid and sharply cold.

A wave of pressure, a whining sound joining Splinter’s distressed radio.

Slowly, Splinter turned around.

The lights dimmed starkly, leaving majority of the room in darkness.

But there, near the dojo’s entrance-

-standing in the darkest patch of the room-

-was Donatello.

Shadowed by the flickering lights outside the dojo, shining sporadically through the paper walls, Donatello stood motionless at the front of the room.

A shiver went through Splinter, something icy and harsh sweeping around him.

The air felt electric, the static coming not just from his radio anymore but from everywhere. Sourcing straight from the apparition at the front of the room.

“Donatello, is that truly you?” Splinter asked, throat tight.

His son didn’t answer, nor did he move.

The whining static worsened, filling the air. The lights of the room began strobing, though the area surrounding Donatello remained dark.

Splinter took a step forwards, despite the wall of invisible pressure.

“Speak to me, my son. I am here for you.”

Splinter’s radio shrieked, something entering the static.

_c̸̷̨̭̤̙̦̘̰̥̦̮̲̱͘a̧̡̰͍̣̠͇͍͘͢ͅṋ̶͇̖̪̗̖̹͈̭̼̥̻͓̜̥̲̘̜͢͡.̵̰̲̫̟͕̼̬͎.̼̜̠̮̝͎́͞͡.̸̥̥̦͙̦͖̯̝̲̱̖̬̜͚̻̱͠.̸̧̛͎̣̜̺͕̙͍͉̙̭̙̲̣̳̲͓̭̳͜ ̨̝͈̜͙͈̩̻͓͙͜ ͡͏̺͖̩̹̰̥̰͈y̸̡̧̱̙͉͎ͅó̵̡͓͉̪̼̕u̢̹̫̳̙̻͚̼͙͍̕͘̕͝.̨͍̩͎̫͕̖̰̹̦̟̘̬̗͖̻̕͜͠.̵̡̛̹̱̳̮̹͈͓̬͢.̛̱̥̬̯͇̪̣͕͖͍̙͙̤͙́͟͢͡.̸̴̶̛̬̠̤̤̺̟̼̦͉̻̖͙͙͙́ ̢͢͞͡҉̻͎̪̲̫̠͖̮͎͓̰̮͍̝ ̵̷̧͈̬̣͓̭̯̗̩̟̪̲̖̱ͅh̸̛̭̭̟̻̼̭̟͎̣̠͍̖̕̕ę͝҉̸͏̗̘͉̱͈̱̯͎͙̯͖͇͙͚̯a̶̛̙̲̥̣̤͈͓͚̬̱̭̤̪͓͢r̨̙̺̗͖̬͈̖̺͘.̴̴̨̟̟̲̻̦͝.̴̵̨̨̨̬̟̼̮.̸̝̜̬̦̗͍͎̞̣̻́͘͜ͅ ̢҉͇͎̰̦̟̻̥̤̟̳͈̫͚̯͚̼ ̛͜҉͇̖̻͎̕͞m̀͢҉̬̦̺̘̤̯̹̦͠ę̸̵̻͙̳̳̙̟̩̻̦͎̫̖̠̥͠?͖̖̯̯͕̫̤͍͖͓̙̪̰̜̥̝́͠_

 

Splinter winced, his sensitive ears flattening themselves against the onslaught.

_t̬̻̖͉͈̩͖̠̩͚͎̼̭́͢͡o҉̠͓̭̞͓͖̖̦̮̝̯̙̪̝̳̬͙͘͢͢͞ų̶̞̻̱̣͕̥͕̩̪͘-̴̢̬̝̻̫̟̘̬̰̹͇͉͚̖̯̘͘ͅͅͅs̸̯̬̝͈͓̻̱̙̺͕͈̻̰̬̹̮̰͠͝à̢̫͈̱̞̼̺n̡̙̰͇̼̲͚̖̪͙̲̘͇̱̲̝̝͘͜.̴̤̲̗̤͚̘͝͠ͅ.͇̫̖͎͙̮̖͙̪̹̩̲̙̠̥̜͘͟.̶̶̧͍̺̫̰̩̞̰͕̳̮̥̹̠͖͙̙͞͞ ́҉̧̧̜̖̖͉̲͔̮̲̜͍͙̥͍̣͓̭c̴̛͓͇͚̥͓͓͇͙̤͈͙ͅa̢͢͞͏͉̪̲̹͙̲͕͝n̵҉̸̖̘̫͕̞̻̱͎̪̜̲͔̺͈̖͚͔̮͕͢ ̧̹̩̩̜͉̣̳̬̘͍̟͉̜̯̱͢y̵̺͔̺̞̥͖̥̞̙̺̻̪̫͕͡͞ͅó̸̧̘͉͕̮̬̦͖͞ͅù̵̧̼̖̤͔̱̙͎͓͍̬̜ ̛̛͙̹̫͙̖͍͙̖̝̥̲͍͎̣͘͜͠h́͡҉̳̪͚̝̫͜͡e͏̸̲̭͇̞̜͕͎͓̭͈̻͎̕ͅa̷̶̶͓͈͍̘r҉̧͏̥̯̜͎̪̥̥ͅ ̨͏̷҉̣̮͙͖͕̠̰̗̖̫̖̦̥̰͔ͅm̨͖͇̩̰̦̫͓̻̝͙͖̫͇̤̥̠͔͢e̴̛̛͓͈͇̻͖̙͉̮͈̗̘̕͟?̴̡̛͉̘̟̗͚̦͈͚̱͘    ̵̡͖̠͓̳̺̠̥̠̩͚̥̹͔̙̦̘̕͜͠ͅ ̖̪̣̲̥̖͔̫̩͟͡p̸͉̫̠̪͡ͅl̴͈̥͖̼̠̟͈̲̗̗̯̖̥͎͙͉̣̟͟͟e҉̡̮͈̯͠ą̸̛̭̦̝̥͔͕̱͓̮̪͈͓̣̹͟ͅͅs̹͖͔̞̮͎̠̦̻͚̙̀͢͝ͅͅe̬̻̻̱͇̝̻͙̪̲̦̪̮͢͜͝.̀͏̛̰̩͚̘̪͘͢.̧͙̲̬̣̮̱͎̬̟̜̲̬̻̪͉̺̥͚̥͟.̜̪̥͕̜͕̟͟͜͡͠ͅ ̕͝҉̯̹̺͍͉͓̞͇͙̪̼̩͚̗̟̟̦h̷̯̪̼̰̦͖̼̞̟̼̰͡e̶̡̱̜̼̝̗͇̦͖͔̭̫̮̟͖̱̺l̸̲̣̘͕̹͕̼̳̮̘͢͞ͅp̶̡͕̻̮̙̹̖̳̜͕̝͢͡ͅ ̵̸̠̯̳̜̗͉̤̞̝̝̱̲̠̟̰͉̰̲̜͡m̨͖̟̝̜͓͞ȩ̸̧̨̮̯̰̤̙͙.̸̦̳̦̱͙̘̣̣͈͖̻̟̹͓͜͠͠ͅ.̶̛̤̯̺̯̠̀.͏̭̗̫̖̰͇͈̖̤̯̼͉͢͞͠_

“Donatello, I do not know what you are saying,” Splinter hissed, gritting his teeth against the shrieking pain that rang through the air.

_ị̘̮̙̜͈̼̻͚͈̳͇̮̩́̀'͏̧̛̟̫͎̥͖̯̹̦͈̠͜m̷҉̴̢̟̰̱͇̞͚ ̴̧̺̺͍̻̫͕̣̣͔̩̼̙̀͠ ̮̠̹͕͔͈̥̥͘͝ͅͅ ̡͖̰̩͓̲͚̬͚͙̹̗̖̀͢͝ ̴̝̝̖̪̥̯̖͎̦͖̩͍͡h̶̗̘̟͖̹̜̼̳̯̲̱̱̫̣̞͘͡é̘̱̼̳̠̻͎̥͞ͅr̸͉͖̩͈͙̙͚̙͓̘̠͕̣̥͟e͏͞͞͏̵̗̺̳̮̤̳͕.̶̸̧̥̦̜͙̱͎̬̟̳̰̝̪̩͘͡.̨͙̙̩͍̼͉̤̩̭͔̘̜͓.̶̧̨̺͎̰̟̮̗͚͉̱̹̻.̨̺̝͎͈͘̕͜ ̀͠҉̡̲̠̞͉̤̺̫͎̤̤̟͍̜̰ṕ̵͖̱̫̺̟̖͘͝ĺ̤̼̫̜͇̘͔͉̱̼̘̖̞̪͎͉͢ͅe̸҉̗̭̳̮͙̬̞̤̮̬̥̥̬̜̹͈̺͓̖a̸̤͖̙͉͢s̢҉͚̭̱̦̜̻̳͇̝͇͖̤̣͙̭̮ȩ̪͖̯̫̣̕͠ ̵̨̰̜̪̮̺͎̞̗͉̗͘ͅ ҉̴̭̺̣̻̰̤ ̸̤̤͍̟̻ ҉̵̺͈͇̱̘͇̬̥̥̟͎̜h̰̰͍̲̪̠͎̖̮̝̠̝̩̀̕e̷̙̣̪͈̥̩̣̟̦͈̝͢͝͡l̨̡̧͎͈̹̗̻̺̫̤̰̼͓̙̼̤p̷̵̖̞͓͓̟̤͉̥̕ ̛͍̳̣̬̝̻̯̬͎̘͉̮͘͜ṃ̷̟͓̘̻̱̫̫̯̘̖͎̫̬̼̠̕͡e̶͏̺͓͕͕̪̤̫̗̲̲̟̠͍̥̀̀̀ͅ.̢̛̣̺͔͚͚͔̗̗̰̀.̷̱̥̪͎̝̤̬̦̬͈͍̀͢͡ͅ.̭̖̦̝͓͔̩͙̦̬͈̙̱͎̠͈͕̖̕͜͠͡.̨̦̤̭͖͢_

Splinter’s hands found themselves on his ears, despite how hard he’d tried to control himself. The static roared through the air, near deafening him. “I cannot _understand you_ , Donatello, try speaking more _clearly-”_

_I̧͓͖̘̭͓̘̘͙̰͎̫̗̘̩͈̲͇͟͞ ҉̛̪̱̗̣̖͎̻̥̲͖̭͉̦̰̭̺ ͘͏͔̹͔̺̗̝͡ ̴̛̛͍̱̰̙͚͓͈͍͓̲̜͇ͅA͜҉̥̟̞̲̤̞̙͔͙̺͈͙̝̪͘͟͢M̵̧̭̫͈̲̞̫̳̪̝̬̜̞̫̺̬̜̖̀͘͜_

Splinter’s hearing popped, and he stumbled under the rolling pressure in the air. The lights of the dojo flickered faster, sparks dropping from the ones closest to him.

Splinter’s vision blurred for a moment, his son’s form becoming indistinct for a moment, then-

Donatello disappeared for a split second, and then reappeared closer to Splinter.

The lights of the dojo were flickering so fast- on and off and on and off- that Splinter’s eyes watered.

Donatello kept advancing, moving without moving each time the lights flickered.

Splinter’s lungs wouldn’t take in air, and his ears ached under the screaming static.

“My- my son- _please-_ ” Splinter gasped, his fur standing on end as his son steadily moved towards him. “-tell me why, _why are you here?”_

_a̴̻͕̦̗̯̳ ̶̷̣̝͇̤̼̦̯̗̠̥ ̡̛͖̜̣̬̰̞̦̲̟̖̟̙̭͎̲̙́͢ ͏̶҉̵͈͈̮̩̬͖͖͇̱͚̬͕̘̖̰ͅp͠͏̛̼͍̱̠̜̤̦̹̲͍͓̜̕͡ͅ ̢̥̥̺͖̮̦̯̥̪̭̝͎͓͚̗̥͘͘̕͜ͅͅ ҉̴̡͚̜̲̞̫͔̣͚̞̪̗͖̝̝͢ ͉̳̘̀́͘͝r̢̞̳̖̗͇͚̕ ̣̫̱̻̟̦̻̞͎̙͇͢͠͡ ̻̟͔̣̦̞̮̟͍̳̙͙̻͘̕͟͟ ̷͝҉̮͍̣͕͇͙̱̦̩̝̤͖͖̩͍i̧̧̧͝҉͈̬͍̙̥ ̞̗̩̱̙̦̼̻̱͉̲͖̘͕̟́͝͡ ̨̢̨̠̬̰̘̹̟̣̦̱͈̕͘ͅͅ ͏̸̘͔̙̭͖͓̥̫̟̥̼̗̬̩̩ ̡̨͖̣̫̳͔͘ͅl͏̝̦̖̮̜̭͚͇̻̮͇̻̩̥̻̖ͅ_

 

Splinter winced, his radio’s straining speakers blaring the words. “What- who-?”

_Ą̷̱͇̺̰̺̻̤͙̲͈̰̜͙͓̯̀͘ͅ ҉҉̴̧̖̫̖̜͎̙̥͙̞̥͖͎̳͚̱͍͚̙͓Ṕ͏̢̯͎̗̖̪͓͈̥̼̪́͘ ̷̸̨̨̮̦̬͎̼͓̦̭͚͈͍̲R̴̰̝̬̪̫͍͙̻͜ͅI̶̶̛҉̶̝͙̰̫L͏̣̲̰͇̜̫̟̳̪͓͚͞_

_  
̡̝͚̭͓̀s͟͏͏͎͚͕͚̣ ̶̡̤̻̻̣͝h̸̵̯͖̟͓̤̺͖̼͈̻͍̙̱̯̀̕͜ ̸̕͏͍͔̪̯̗͕̙ͅe̢̢̧̛̱̞̻̱͉̜͎̝̥̱ ̸̨̥͈̜̙͝ ̟̼̰̰̹͢͜ ̢̛͎̬̳͎̖̗̱̮̰͡ ̸̩̘̬̖̩ ̷̫͈̼͎̲ ̶̕҉̸͖̞̗̭̰ ̛̪͙̖̩̹̭̮̺̰̣̣̩̳̺͠͞ç̢͓̺̺̟̖͘͡ą͏҉̻͕͓̞͈͍̟͓͔̙̥͎͎̙̟̖ ̸̴̨̦͈̫̟̫̥͝n̷̡̜̝͉̗̰̱̱͔̮̳͔̱͇̥̞̥̤̪̕ͅ ̸̴͔̫͍͙̯͙̠̀ ̴̨̯̤͔̘͕̘͖̙̮̣͢͞ ̸̴̶̫̗̣̣̘͖̱̙̺͕̹̘̭̣̻̠̟̣́͠ ̞͎̪͈̦̠͖̜̲͍̗̘̕ ̷̧͕̠͖̣̘͍̙̣̱̜̯̲͟ ̴̨̱̘̼͔̝͇̜͙̲̰̻̟̭͍̤̰͇͚͘ ̶̡̲̝̳̼b̸͈͓̦͇͙̼̳̤̲͜͟͟ ͘͏̞̣̭̝͕̻̭̕͝r͏̵͇̟̥̱͍̭͈̣̪͍̣̮̱̠̜͙̬͙ ̶̛̜̭̲̖̦̞͡͞͝ ̷̸͓̞̺̬̣̮̱̦͝i̛̮̝̫̰̘͕̙̳̝̭͔̩̣̞͓͝ͅǹ̜̙͇̟̯̞̪̼͇̜̞̣̬̤͘͘͝ ̷͖̜̙̖͙̞̗̹̩̕͘ ̲͖̯͢͡g̶̸̶̡̖͕͚̘̫̘̙ ̵̶̧̨͓͕͎͖̭̺̼͚̜̕ ̤̹̳̣͚̫̻̝͢͠ ̴̝̘͈̱̬̮̳̗͙̯͍̙͇̦̩͓̳͓͜ ̶͈̝̟̰̘͙̙̜̺̗͔̠̯ ̵̪̼̳̼͍͕̣̫̤̀͞ ̷̡̛̘̼̯̳̯͇̳̪̞m̶̷͔̘̭̳̭͜͢͝ ̵̵̡̧̠͎̯͖e҉̯͈͎͇͔̘͖̞͙͎̲̙̱̫͢ ̷̶̸̼͇̝͈̞͕̬̺̘̣͔͠ ̯̲̙͕̯͎̠͠ ҉̶̡̗̳̝̮͕̀ ̢̛̘͍̖̝ͅ ̴̢̥̦̻̰͉͕̗͓͇̩̤͙̠̝̘̼ͅ ҉̸̢͔̻̮̠͎̤̯̮ ͔͎̙͍̱͕̘͔͚̱̮̘͎̀̕͟ ̶̷̡̡͖͈̼̜̜̜͔̪͎̭̻̳̹̮̳͙̙̭͢ ̸̡̫͇̬͖̦͓̞̟̙̦̟̣̟̤͢͞ͅb̧͢͜͝͏̰͉͚̩͎̘̙̘̭͚̫̝̘a̵̡͏̵͕͍̫͖̤̹͓̞̲̦͖̳̬̤̙̘͎̩ ̲̻͉̹̫͎͕̦͇͎͎̙́͟͞͡ç̴̛͎̘͕̬͡ ̸̷̀͝͏̖͈̞͇̠̤̲̗͈̬̙̖͇̤͍̫k̵̺̦̰̱̺̼͎̦̭̕͝_

 

_“I cannot understand you-”_

Splinter’s body locked up, as his son appeared a mere five feet in front of him.

He couldn’t breathe, the strobing lights around them both obscuring Donatello from clear view.

Donatello loomed in the flickering lights, barely visible to Splinter’s watering eyes.

Splinter stared at his son’s apparition, throat tight and ears filled with stabbing pain.

Donatello’s mouth didn’t open, but his message screamed through the static filled air.

_A҉̵͚̟͇̹͜P͏̡̢̢̘̤̟̬̯Ŗ̧̛̭͖͇͈͘͢Í̵̛̹̗̣̼̺̭̮͚͉̱̱̬̫̼L̨̥͔̫̳̜̦̙̦͟͜͞_

The lights burst, showering the floor with glass and plunging the whole dojo into black.

Splinter’s legs collapsed, his bad one twinging as his knees met the floor. His lungs heaved, and he clutched his aching ears.

His radio wailed for another second- then a screeching cry came from it, followed by silence.

In the darkness, Splinter felt the heavy atmosphere lift.

He slowly took his hands off his ears, taking deep breaths as his heart thudded against his chest.

His son. His son had come to him.

The dojo doors slid open.

 _“Sensei!”_ His eldest cried, running into the room; followed by his younger siblings.

Blearily, still reeling from the strangling terror and adrenaline, Splinter gripped his son’s hands tightly. His own hands shook, much to his shame. But-

His son. _His son._

Donatello… he had answered Splinter’s calls, with a call of his own.

Splinter now, finally, had a clue as to what they were to do.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_(…._

 

 

_…….w̵̢͢҉̸̝̟̦̝̹h̷̗̥̹̖̖̖̦̰̣̹̘͎͓̫̳͔͈͙͞ͅy̵̧̡̧̥̺̙͖̭̭̙̦̤̗ͅ_

 

 

                                                                                          W̨͞͏̹̥̟͔̗̜͎̳̘ͅH̕͘̕҉̴͚̰̜͓̯̰̰̖͔Y̸̢̨͕͇̟͖̞̥̺̙͓̯̝͓̬͈͓̦͖͡

 

 

_.̡̞͖̯.̵̡̗̪̬̬̜͎̯.̱̲̘̟̩͟.̧͚̩̟i̵͔̮̠̰͟'̸̘̖̀m̙̥̺̬̳͠ ̸̴͔͚̖̯̭̫h̘̩̤͙͘͝e̜̟̦̠r̶͔͚̺͟e͏̴͈̟̲̼̭_

_̺͉̪̙ͅp̛̩͖̖l̳͎̳̙̜̥e͍̱̲͞͡á̼̫̫̼̜̲̬̟͞s̝̤e̴̥̺̪̪.̫̰̻̪̝̭̯͍͞.͏̗͇͢.͈̻̰̭̤̙́ ̭̥͟ͅh̖̯̬̻͘͠e͏͈̖͉̙͎͠á̰͍̦̮̘̝͎̪r͏̱̟̜̗̘͉ ͏͎͇̥͜͡m͔͙̮̲̟̫̕e҉̤̝̻̝͙̖͍.̳̰͡.̩̪̲̗̪̱͇.҉̨̡̙_

_į̱̖͔̠̣̹̩̣̳̫̥͓̕t̨̢̹̩̘̞̩̦͚͕̥̗̠̤̳̱͠͠ ҉̢̩͔̱͉̦͡ ̕҉̲̫̠̬̱̺̭͓̜̣͖̞̳̥̻̟͇̭ ̴̵̧̫̮͉̹̥̝͖̜̖͚̲̀͘ͅ ̗̭͓̟̦͢͜͡ḩ̢̛̩̭̣̟̹̖̣͓͕̱͕̩̟̝̺͟͡u̸̧̡̜͍̮̮̦̰̞̖͍̘̕͠ ̷̢̫̙̩̳̩͙̼̜̻̳̖̙̮̗̱̝̹̪̲̀r̨̪̻̹̫͔͕̮͙̼͟͟͡͡t҉̨̨̳̲̩͚̫̠̙̩̩̭̱̮͓̥̣̘ ̴̴͔̫̦͉͔͞͠͡ş͎͔͈̝̠̲̫̦̭̖̬͇̗̫́͞.̧̛҉̘͇͙̥̗́.҉̟̫̬̞͖̮͇̭̣̻̦͍̙̲͟.̟̳̝͓͙̬̟͙̮̙̮͇͉͖̥̠͎̼͘͟͠.̭͙͓̱͓̩̼̲͇̠͍͓̟̭̮͘͟                                                                  į̱̖͔̠̣̹̩̣̳̫̥͓̕t̨̢̹̩̘̞̩̦͚͕̥̗̠̤̳̱͠͠ ҉̢̩͔̱͉̦͡ ̕҉̲̫̠̬̱̺̭͓̜̣͖̞̳̥̻̟͇̭ ̴̵̧̫̮͉̹̥̝͖̜̖͚̲̀͘ͅ ̗̭͓̟̦͢͜͡ḩ̢̛̩̭̣̟̹̖̣͓͕̱͕̩̟̝̺͟͡u̸̧̡̜͍̮̮̦̰̞̖͍̘̕͠ ̷̢̫̙̩̳̩͙̼̜̻̳̖̙̮̗̱̝̹̪̲̀r̨̪̻̹̫͔͕̮͙̼͟͟͡͡t҉̨̨̳̲̩͚̫̠̙̩̩̭̱̮͓̥̣̘ ̴̴͔̫̦͉͔͞͠͡ş͎͔͈̝̠̲̫̦̭̖̬͇̗̫́͞.̧̛҉̘͇͙̥̗́.҉̟̫̬̞͖̮͇̭̣̻̦͍̙̲͟.̟̳̝͓͙̬̟͙̮̙̮͇͉͖̥̠͎̼͘͟͠.̭͙͓̱͓̩̼̲͇̠͍͓̟̭̮͘͟_

_Ì̻͖̣̣̻ͅŢ͓̮̬̰̠̲̱̠̙̳̕͟͡ͅ   ̶̛̛͖̜͕̺͖̩̪̻  H̵̘̫͙̲̞͞ Ù̸̡͕͇͍̝̩̙͚ R͕̥̯͓̮͕̩̝̤͇̘̫̼͠͝͡ T̡͕͔͎͍̜̩̩́͜͢ͅŚ̩̖̱̲̜͍̜̳̳̖͖̠̟̝͜͝_

_w̢̤̞ḩ̬͙͖̜̝͕͇̝͜y̞̥̯̭̠͉͇̩ ̛̮̻̝̘̥͙̠͝c͎̜̫̦̯̹͢a̷̷͖͙̙̱͉̩n͜͏̯̭͙͚͖'͈̺̦̼̹̟͚͟͠t̵̶̡͍͈̞͎͚ ̟͇̦̫ỵ̸̨̥̜ͅo҉̡̳̣u͖͎̪̱͖̦̼.̳͎̳̣͝͡.͇͍̘̥́.̮͈̬͇̤̙̮̳ ̼͖͕͜͞ḩ̬̦̮e̸̵͉̝̘̲̟͖͡a̡͔̗̻̫̯r̷̸̫̘͍̼̦̱̜̩ ̸̛̩̜͇̕m̴̳͡e̸̻̳̬̼ͅ.̛͍͚̝͚̻͇̟͚͔͠.̡̟͙̠͎̱͖͉̱.̱̯̜͍̪͍͟͟ͅ?͈̺̣̺̝̮̤̜_

_p̯̼̜̣͈̯̣̕͜l̷̦̱͈̱ͅ e̲̣̳a̩͉̝̤̘̰ s̷̝̱͇̹̜͘e̫̣̭̹͈͉̫͡.̻̤̬̰̠.̡̨͕̺̞̲̗͞.̴̦̟̰̖̩̕_

_̸͖̖̮̹̖̮̯̣̕h̢͈̲͓͖̰̙͔͍ͅe̫̻̘̳͖̞͇̝͚͡l͚͎̝̹̭̥͘p̢̗͙̥͘.̖̫̱̜̥̟̬̝.̧͓̹͞.҉̴̗͍̺͕̩̱̳̼̤ ̳͖̣̠̱̝̟̝̤ṃ̮̯̤̖è̷͇̻̺͚ͅ.̶̧̜͕̳̙̹̬̜͡.͚̥̱̠̫̰͡ͅ.̴̫̠̘̖̩͝_

_…….)_

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took way too long to get around to publishing and I'm sorry 'bout that.

 

 

_“April- April please-!”_

_“Donnie, I’m sorry.”_

April bolted upright, panting heavily. Her legs were tangled in her sheets, and sweat dotted her clammy skin.

She took a few gasping breaths, then- scrambling out of her bed fast as she could- she rushed to get out of her room. She ran down the hall, holding a hand over her mouth, and only just made it to the bathroom in time.

Kneeling on the cold linoleum, she retched up what little dinner she’d managed earlier. Her arms shook as she held herself up, and her tears dribbled into the toilet along with her sickness.

Finally, after the last heave, she slumped back from the porcelain seat; still trying to find her breath.

April shut her eyes, and scrubbed at her cheeks.

She’d been having that nightmare, over and over and over, ever since she’d- she’d-

A quiet sob escaped her throat, and April curled on herself.

She’d been having that nightmare… ever since she’d killed Donnie.

 

 

 

The first night after Donnie had died; April hadn’t been able to stop crying.

She’d been left alone with her sorrow, watching as the brothers took what remained of Donnie back to their home, one last time.

In the soaking rain, cold and unforgiving, she hadn’t tried to chase after them.

She’d gone home, and collapsed into her father’s arms. He’d asked what was wrong, but April hadn’t been able to say it; couldn’t make the words _“I killed my best friend”_ come out of her mouth.

She didn’t go to school the next day. Or the day after.

She didn’t go to lair either, didn’t try to contact any of her friends there.

April stayed in her home, struggling to breathe under the pressing burden of what she’d done.

Her father asked again and again, what was wrong, why wasn’t she eating, why wouldn’t she leave their home anymore?

April had shaken her head, and covered her mouth.

Her father asked… if someone had gotten hurt, if someone… had died.

April’s eyes had welled up, and she’d broken down again.

Her father didn’t ask anymore after that.

 

 

 

April moved through her home listlessly, unable to focus on anything.

She felt exhausted and sick near constantly, nausea and grief making her head swirl day in and day out.

Her father tried to get her to go back to school, but she refused.

She couldn’t fathom walking into her school- doing class assignments, talking to people again, _living a normal life-_ when her crime still ate her very existence.

She’d murdered someone who’d only ever been kind to her. She’d looked him in the eyes, and chosen power over his life.

April didn’t deserve to live her life anymore, not when she’d taken someone else’s.

The crying fits tapered off as the month dragged on, turning into long periods of nothingness. April got stuck often, sitting or lying somewhere in her home, unable to force herself to move.

She’d been strong once; she’d been fierce and brave. She’d fought and battled and seen the galaxy. She’d loved.

Now she felt like a leaden puppet without its strings, left to rot in a corner. Grief and guilt devouring her from the inside out, like an infestation in her very being.

Her moods swung violently between overpowering guilt, and furious sorrow. She barely ate, hardly moved; staying safe in her home with only her father’s presence.

Though the safety of confinement wasn’t her own, it was for everyone else.

She’d had such near perfect control of her powers before this, now…

When April’s fury and sadness rose up in her, it would push her abilities to activate. More than once, when April was alone in her room and screaming at nothing- some of her possessions would fly across the room, denting the plaster or shattering against the wall.

Sometimes she did on purpose, needing to do _something_ to alleviate the hurricane inside her.

Afterwards, she’d sit in the middle of her destroyed room, and sob harder.

Her powers had once been her greatest asset, her favorite tool to help herself and her family.

Now, she hated them as much as she hated herself.

She’d killed with them, and that outweighed every bit of good they’d ever done.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes April woke up in the mornings. Sometimes she woke up in the evenings.

She slept, but only in fits. Sporadic hours of passing out into a dark and heavy slumber; often plagued with images and nightmares. Repeating cycles of her personal demons- _herself and her sins-_ playing over and over in her mind.

April looked at herself in the mirror every day, and watched as she paled steadily. She didn’t check properly, but she could tell she was losing weight. The bags under her eyes, the sallowness of her cheeks; her grief was a tangible thing.

Two weeks after Donnie’s death, April looked in the mirror, and couldn’t see anyone other than the _monster._

Her hair, flying freely around her head, caused by a flux of rage and grief in her abilities. Items in her bathroom shook on their shelves, and April saw the deadly light of her powers in her eyes.

She’d practically yanked the drawer out of its slot, as she rushed to find scissors.

April cut off her hair in choppy chunks, keeping at the task until there was a ring of red around her feet.

She’d stared again at herself afterwards, taking in the close cut she’d sloppily done to herself.

She didn’t look anything like the person she’d once been, not anymore.

She cried for hours afterwards.

 

 

 

“April…”

April slid her eyes toward her father, who was standing over her.

He knelt down on the carpet, in front of their couch. Kirby reached out, and took her limp hand. Stress lines etched his face, and April could see what she had done to him. _Was_ doing to him. “April, honey… you haven’t left the house in almost a full month. Your friends aren’t answering my calls, and… they aren’t coming to check up on you. April, what _happened_ to you all?”

April, miring in one of her long pauses of nothingness, could only blink slowly.

Her father brought her hand to his lips, and pressed a kiss to her cold skin. He rubbed his thumb over her knuckles, and looked desperately into her eyes. “Please, I can’t stand watching you waste away. I know it hurts, but _tell_ me. It doesn’t matter what happened, I’ll still love you no matter what.”

April broke eye contact, and took her hand back. She rolled onto her side, facing the cushions rather than her father’s unfaltering love.

“April…”

“Go away, dad,” April whispered, curling on herself further. _“Please.”_

She didn’t deserve anyone’s love, not anymore.

Her father tried a few more times to pry information out of her, but ultimately gave up and left.

He however, came right back again, with a blanket and a bowl of April’s favorite soup.

April could only stomach half the bowl, and felt guilty for accepting the warmth and comfort from her father.

Kirby didn’t let her fade completely, keeping care of her as the days piled up-

-but a part of April really wished he had.

 

 

 

A month, a full month, after she’d killed Donnie… his brother called.

_“April?”_

April’s heart stuttered hearing the achingly familiar voice through her phone. She could barely answer. “…hi, Mikey.”

A heavy pause on the line, and April could practically feel the awkwardness of things.

Why would he be calling her? Why on _earth_ would he want to talk to her?

“…why did you call me?”

_“Have you… have you been noticing anything weird lately?”_

The silence dragged on after that question, April trying to figure what Mikey meant.

“What do you mean… ‘weird’?” She asked, answering the question with a question.

_“I mean. Weird as in weird.”_

April thought of her power fluxes, of her swinging moods, of her crushing guilt.

She thought of the shapes and flickers she sometimes saw, in the worst moments. She thought of the fluctuating lights in her home, likely caused by her power surges.

“No.” She answered, explaining none of what she’d seen. Her problems were her own; she wouldn’t look for comfort from anyone. Especially not Mikey.

Another long pause, and she thought she heard a soft sigh across the line.

_“…okay. Bye, April.”_

“…goodbye, Mikey,” April said, finishing his name just as he hung up. April slowly took the phone away from her ear, staring at the _‘call ended’_ notification on screen.

Once, she’d had to coerce Mikey into hanging up. Once, he would talk and ramble for as long as he could through their mobiles. Once, he’d always been happy to speak with her.

Now, April stared at her phone as the screen went dark, and felt the broken connection between them.

She dropped her phone, and curled around herself; crying long and hard.

She’d not only lost her best friend, but the rest of her family too.

And no matter how she wished it wasn’t-

-it was all her fault, and only hers.

 

 

 

April stood on her apartment’s roof, the cold fall air whipping past her.

Without her hair, her scalp felt icy. She didn’t bother trying to warm it up, forgoing even a coat as she stood in the evening air.

Her father was out, and would stay out for the next few hours. She had the house to herself, but she’d wanted something else. Just a slight change in scenery, only for a little bit.

She’d climbed out her bedroom window, and scaled the fire escape to the rooftop.

Now, she stood close to its edge, leaning on the ledge there and staring at nothing. The city around her kept up its beat of lifeblood, people and places creating the white noise that filled the entire world around her.

April felt empty, looking at the streetlights trailing into forever. Emptiness had begun to take the place of every other emotion in her lately, and she welcomed it.

It’d been over a month. Over a month since she’d killed him.

Nothing felt better. Nothing had healed or patched itself up in her.

April didn’t want it to.

She wanted the hurt to stay. She wanted it to stay and fester until there wasn’t anything left in her.

She… she was so tired.

A harsh wind blew around her, and it knocked the electrical cords connected to the roof against one another.

An icy feeling crawled up April’s spine, and she shivered.

What dragged her out of her fugue- after who knows how long staring off into space- was her phone buzzing in her back pocket. She’d only brought it with her in case her father called; checking up on her as he’d started to do routinely.

April took it out, and had a sense of foreboding when she saw who was calling.

Against her better judgement- and ignoring the tight feeling in her throat- April answered Leo’s call.

“Hello?”

_“…um, hi, April.”_

She hadn’t heard Leo’s voice in so long; it was like a cold splash of water.

She recovered from her shock, and answered him. “Hi, Leo. What… what’s up?”

_“It’s… well… something’s happened, April.”_

“What do you mean?” April asked, a buzz of anxiety going through her. “Did someone- did the Shredder attack?”

_“No, no it’s not about him.”_

“Then what? What’s happening?”

_“It’s… it’s about Donnie.”_

A shard of pure ice went through April’s chest, and she put a hand on the stone ledge to steady herself.

“…what?”

_“April, we’ve… everyone else has been seeing things. Experiencing things. He’s… we don’t think he’s actually gone.”_

April’s breathing stuttered, and she clutched her phone tightly.

No. no no no-

That wasn’t possible.

“I- but I-” April choked on her words, still unable to say it aloud. She could barely get her voice to work, only managing a hoarse whisper. “He can’t be. He _has_ to be.”

_“Everyone’s seen him, April. Even Casey. Something’s happening, and it… it involves you.”_

April shuddered, a wave of ice and pressure going over her.

The thick electrical cords nearby crackled, and April stepped back from the odd sparks coming from them.

“No- no he _can’t be,”_ April exclaimed, feeling overwhelmed by what Leo was saying. “I saw him- _I felt him die.”_

_“He… he asked for you specifically.”_

April’s breath left her completely, and she felt like she was being held in place.

He… of course he would.

April was the one who’d killed him. Of _course_ he’d ask for her specifically.

Her blood pounded in her ears, and the crackling wires nearby only served to increase April’s internal storm.

_“That’s why I’m calling. You need to c͡ome͟ ҉do̵wn̛ to̡ t̵h͞e la̡ir̕, w͢e a̛l͢l n͏e̡e̶d̶ to ͏tal͏k͝-”_

“Leo? Leo, you’re breaking up.”

_“-w҉h҉a̕t?҉͢ ̢͠I̷̴ ͘͡c̶a̢n͟ ̶h̨ear̵ ͡y͏̴o̷ư̸ ̛͢͢f͜inę̷͠,̵͏̧ ̵w̸̧ha͞҉͞t'̡͟͏s̨͢ ͜goi̸n̶g ̨͡o̡n̵-”_

April tried to understand what Leo was saying, but his voice turned into static. Was it a bad connection? That’d never happened before; Donnie’s invented t-phones too powerful to be stopped by just stone.

“Leo- Leo I still can’t understand you-”

_“-a͔̞͎̭̟̮̠̕͟͢p̛͚̮͎̦̙̥̟̰r̜̩̟̥͚̕͘͟i̗͇̩͡ͅl̴̢͙̫̝̲̝̯̜ͅ.̶̟̬̞͍.̲̱.̤?”_

 

April’s heart stopped.

Sharp wind gusted over the rooftop again, shifting the electrical cords so they knocked loudly against one another. Their internal wires sparked again, flashes of light illuminating the area nearby.

_“a̮̤̦̘̰͕p͉͉̝̤͢r̡̭̞͇̱̤i̴̲͞ḻ̪,̹̺̠̝̯̜ ̣̙͜i̧̼̜̦t̖̺͕̤͇͎͎̞͝'͎̯̯̕s̶̛̺̟̜̬̯̘̰̮ ̡̯̠̥͇m͖̫͚̪̼̬͟͝e͏͉̣̝̝̜͖͜.̷̬̬͔̺̮̪͍ ̺c̬̼̖̩̳͠͞a͟͏̛͓͖̯̫͓̞͍̜ņ̪̪̯͓̹̰̱ ̜̝͉̮͖̖̟͟͟y̟̹̪͡͝ǫ͙̻̪͓̮̥̙̕u̘̠̗̥̩̳̯͈̙ ̴̭̫̥̣͠͡h̗͖͈̣͜͡e̵̩̙̞̱ą͡͏̠͎͍̲r̜̟͖̘̞̟ ̳̩̫̬̠̳͓͕͍m͏̳̱̪̫̱e̛̟̜͕̻̙͜?̣͈̦̫͓͜”_

 

“Donnie?” April whispered in a small, horrified voice.

_“ỵ̞̭̙e̳̺̟͈̪̜͖̩s̬-̵͖̝̞̮͝ ͏͖̥̙̕y̷̡͓͚̤̲̮e̻̹̯̼̙͓̳s̴͝͏̗͕͉̘ ̴̧̛̝̳i̸̘̫̘t̮̻̜̗̼ͅ'̷̡̻͚̱̹s̶̨̛̼͔̥̖̤ ̸̭͔͢͠m̶͙̮̗e͖͟.̣̞̮̞̥̥̼͉ ̴͇̜̟̱̖̼͘p̤̦͓ͅl̨̗͍͎e̲̟̭̙̰͔̥͞͠a̸̩̠̼s̷̨͈̝͍̻̲̪͟e̪̠̞͙̗̜̟̥͘̕,͉͙̪ ̫̞̺͔̯̜̖̻p̮̳͍l͏͍e̴͇̰a̧̦̳̩̞̫͓̹͠s̢̡̠͇̘̫͎͍͉e͖̠͓̤̱̙ ̷̜͈̼̳̯͕p̷̩͓͜l̞̤̫̼̪̘͉͚e̶̸̪̯̲̭͓a̛̭̥̪̭̝̹͖͜s̡͚͍͎̙͍̲̤̯e҉̮̼͉̩͓ ̩̙̖̗̬p̬̞̱̜̱̻͟l̴̤͇͙͚͖̮̺̘͜ȩ̴̯a͜͏͔͔s͏̥͉͎̘͚e҉̹̣̣͕͓̞̰͈͓-҉̛̺̩͎͚”_

 

April’s ear was stabbed with pain, the static filled voice turning into a high pitched screech. She dropped her phone, holding her head as the air around her suddenly roiled with energy.

_h̗̖̺e̜͙̳̻̫̻̱͔ļ̡̖̰͙̭̹͝p̵͍ ̜͓̫̯̙̮̩͟m̗͓̯̻͍͕̖e҉̥̤͓͓̪̖͞_

  
“Stop- _please stop it!”_ April pleaded, her vision swimming. “Donnie, I’m s-”

_H̢̭̙͈͞E̴̡̗̘̝͚̤̠L͉͍P͇͠ ͉̫̝̥̘̮̹͠ͅM͎̜̜̕͞E҉̛̻̺̹̤͇_

 

April stumbled, the pressure on her body and lungs making her legs weak. Everything hurt- her head, her limbs, her whole body-

“Donnie- please, stop it!” April cried out, the air around her whipping so fast it stung her skin. “I- I know you must be angry-”

_y̧͏̠o͚̺̖̟͕̰̯̪̭͞u̡̻͔͍̜̯ ̮d̵͎͎̭̖̪͈͝͡i̵̵̡͉̱̜͎̦d͔͚͕̝̫ ̵҉̫ţ̯͝͞h̵̸̗͙̻̰͝i̴͍̜̙͕͔̦͠s̨͍̟̘̼̥̼̞͝ͅ_

 

“-I _know!”_ April gasped, barely getting enough air to do so. “I know and I’m so s-”

_F̴͉͇̘̞͇̪̭͓I̷̧͎͔͡X̵̵̹̘̖̤ ͔̰̙̟͉̻̮͟I̶͕̪̫̕T̸̩̺͍̦̹̝̭͖͟_

 

April shut her eyes, and covered her ears against the deafening wave of aerial static.

“I don’t- I know _how_ Donnie- I don’t know _how to fix it-!”_

_Y͈̮͈͇͎͇̻͉̜E̱͟͠S҉̤̯̭͔̜̙ͅ ̷҉҉̱͍̦͕̝̘Y̨̖̘̬͙͓͙O̢̗̙͇̰̱̗͈U͎̹ ̷̶̞̪͎̞͢D̸͉̫͍̫̪͖̪̯̕O͏̨̜_

 

_“No I don’t-”_

_Y̵͇͈̗̪̣̥̫̪̠E̤̥̦̹͕̺̣͜͠S̮̲ ̛̞͎͔͎͞Y͈͈̩̯̦̳͖O̥̞̰̟̬̖̤͢U͕̯̲͓ ̧͎̤̤͇̼̻̯̱͝Ḑ̵̼͙͉͙̫̯̬O̦̠͚̭̳͖̩̣͘ ҉̸̹͉̖f̫͖̻i̕͏̫̤͉͙̣͙̳x͟҉̤ ̵̠̼i̸͉͈͈̙̹̜̼̞͢t̻̖̼̻͉̗͟͞ͅ ̰̜̜͇͉̘̜̦͢ͅf̶̣͉͝i͍̬̗͉̝̳͉̹͎͢͞x̡̨͎̣͇̙̣̼ ̧̗̠̺͖͇͚į͏̻̲͓ͅt͕̞̣͉̦̫̹͔̪͜ ̢̛͙̣̗͔͚͇̙̼F̳͔͞I̠̠̦̗͢X̻̹̘̘̜̟͇ ̛͏̵̣̠̺̝͚̗I̢̗͎T͍͔̻̻̮̦͟͟ ҉̠͕̠̠̹̭͓A̶͎̗̕P͟҉̦̣̥̟̘R̡͘҉̯͔I͈̫͇̼̙͜L̦̥̰̕ ̪̼͍̠̤͓ͅY̹̩̼̰͈͙Ǫ̶̭̯̜̺̰U̢͔̠͚̻ ͔̘̲͖̕C͍͚̰̠͔͞͝Ą̦̠̯̘͍̰͢N̝̞̻͈͎̮͖̼̬ ̴̨͕̗̯͙̗̲̱̗͡F̸̘̖̻͚̟I̻̥̤̼̝̠̥͜͝ͅX͈̞̝͇͜͡ ̨̠̠̙͇̹̳͕̺͓I̪̹̞͖̦͞Ţ̪̥͔̘̬ ̸̹̤̣͎͠h̶͏̧͔̺̻̫̠ę͏̼̲̙͡ḻ̰͝p̶̛̪͕̭̠ ̼̙̮͕͎̰͎̬͞m̥̞̟̺͕̺̭ͅḛ̵͍̠̝̜͜ ͈̲͔̥̘͎̰H̜̟͍E̢̧̳̭̠L̼̱͇͉̼̻͝P̶̶̡̫͈̜ ͟҉̪̝̙͚͚̤̭͚͟M̵̨͖̩͎̯̤̘E͙̹̹̝̟̮ͅ ̥̰̙͉̬͎͞P̬͍͖̫̱̦͕̞̙͢L̬̲̘̩̠̻̙͜Ḙ̷͇̤̜ͅA̵̩̲͠S͓̩͢E̡͎̟̰͡͝ ̧̼͔̫̭̗P͎͖̼͎͠L̼E̮̱̩̖A̛͎̫͓̕S̘̻̭͟͡E̢̖̲ ͓̗̘̦H̸̳͟E͉̲͇̝͎͎͟͞Ḽ̳̝̦̗̻̭P̸̲̞̲ ҉̖̼͔̰̙M̝͝Ę̳̼̯͎̺̘͘--_

 

April stumbled again, blinded and deafened by the onslaught. The wind around her moved so fast it burned- frigidly cold air making everything feel like _ice_ -

-April gasped at the air, further chilling herself-

-then her footing slipped, and she fell.

April landed hard, scraping her elbows and sending a fresh wave of pain through her. All she could hear was the wind and the crackling arcs of electricity, both bearing down on her, unforgiving unrelenting-

A rolling pressure went over April’s whole body, and she struggled to look upwards. The source, the source of the ambient energy all around her, it was right in front her.

Cold and sharp and seeming to skip in and out of reality-

April lifted her heavy feeling head, and stared upwards.

Looming over her, barely lit by the sparks of light-

-was Donnie, staring at her with dead, milky eyes.

April couldn’t move.

She couldn’t speak.

She-

 _“No…”_ April breathed, eyes wide with terror.

Donnie slowly tilted his head, and blinked once.

Another wave of overwhelming pressure went over her, and April’s vision blurred.

Donnie’s form became fuzzy, and April’s eyes watered as he reached down at her.

April watched the hand coming towards her- flickering and wavering in shape-

_ą̴͈̘̫̖̣̯ p̡̟̻̜ r̴̡͔̭̗i͟҉͓̦̟̭̱̣̥̹l̢͚̯̤̣͢.̥̯.̲͔̞̰̰̕ͅ.̨̳͓͉̮_

 

-Donnie’s hand came closer, and April-

_A̴̟̜̖̯͜p͇̮͇͡r҉̙̙͙i̗͇ͅl͎̙.̭̻͢.̤͘.̸̠̣̰͇̣͙̘̩͡͠_

_April, she-_

**_A͉̬̘͔͈̞̥͘͞ p̼̤̦͙̤̣̕ r̲͟͜ i҉̨̗̱l̨̢̺͓̜̯.͏͎̮͉͙̗͚̩̖.̟͓͓̕.̞̣̙̩͖̯_ **

 

She covered her head, and screamed.

**_“NO!”_ **

Her powers, driven by horror and fear, exploded.

Her own wave of psychic energy went out, dispelling the weighted pressure on her body. She felt it, her powers welling straight from the core of her body, and how they pushed everything away from her.

The pressure vanished, and April lay curled on herself; panting for breath and shivering all over.

She slowly peeked out, checking if she was alone again.

She was.

Donnie was gone.

Tendrils of her power still extended themselves, sweeping around the area before withdrawing back into her. Nothing, there wasn’t a single soul on the roof except for her.

April stared at where Donnie had been, and realized that once again-

She’d banished him, and tore him apart with her own hands.

April pulled back her lips, and opened her mouth into a silent scream.

Again. Again and again and again-

She was a monster. He’d come to her, and she’d destroyed him again.

Hot tears slid down her cheeks, freezing in the wind.

April couldn’t move, laying on the rough rooftop cement and breaking inside all over again.

She lay there for long, agonizing moments, until something reached her smarting ears.

April slowly turned her head, looking at where she’d dropped her phone.

It was still making noise.

Maybe-?

April scrambled across the roof, and picked it up; shoving it against her ear.

_“-swer me April! Right now! Pick up the phone this instant or I’m coming to find you I swear to god-!”_

“Leo!” April gasped, finding her voice. “I’m- I’m here Leo, I’m fine.”

 _“Oh thank god,”_ Leo sighed over the line, painful relief in his tone. _“I- I wasn’t sure what happened, you suddenly stopped talking to me, and then you… April, did you see my brother? You… you said his name, right before you disappeared.”_

“I…” April swallowed thickly, putting a hand over her mouth. She was still shaking, she realized vaguely.

“Yes… yes I did,” She whispered hoarsely. “He was here.”

_“…are you alright?”_

April shook her head, even though she knew Leo couldn’t see the motion. She was still crying, still shivering all over.

“No,” She replied in a small voice.

_“Did he… did he hurt you?”_

April laughed wetly, wiping her cheeks. Donnie, hurt _her?_ He’d never hurt anyone he cared about, ever. Even… even her.

“No, no he didn’t hurt me,” April said, humorless chuckles dotting her words. “Leo- no, he’d never, he would _never-_ ha, no. No he didn’t. Leo, _I_ hurt _him_. Not the other way around.”

 _“April… what did you do?”_ Leo asked, tone shifting from concern to caution.

“I got scared,” April said, admitting to her actions. “I got scared and I just. lashed out. He was right there in front of me and- and I-” April closed her eyes, throat tight. “-I sent him away. Leo, I was so terrified, I couldn’t think straight.”

A long pause over the phone line, and April took a moment to try and collect herself.

_“…he does that, disappearing right after an appearance without any warning. It might not have been just you that caused that, April.”_

“That doesn’t excuse what I did,” April said, refusing to let Leo shift the blame from her. “He- he was right there, and I pushed him away. I- I can’t stop using my powers, Leo. I get so scared and they just. keep coming back, every single time I’m afraid. Oh god- I can’t believe, even after what I already _did to him-”_

April broke off, choking on a sob. Leo was silent over the phone, while she cried into her palm.

_“…how soon can you get to the lair?”_

“...why would you want me there?” April asked quietly, throat scratchy and sore.

_“Because… he’s getting stronger, and he wants you for some reason. You should get over here so we can talk. He needs time to recharge after every appearance, but the last time he appeared was yesterday evening. And twice in a row the evening before at that.”_

April rubbed her eyes, wiping away her tears.

_“April… he’s probably going to come again. It might not be safe for you to be alone.”_

April laughed once, shaking her head. “I really, really doubt he’s the dangerous one here, Leo.”

Leo didn’t deny what she said, grim silence following her statement.

 _“How soon can you get here?”_ Leo asked eventually. _“The last time this happened, it only took a half hour for him to appear again. If he’s still getting stronger… we won’t have much time.”_

A wind blew over April, and it was strong enough to knock the now silent electrical cords against one another.

She looked around the desolate roof, eyes landing on the spot Donnie had been before.

“He said… he said that I could fix this,” April spoke in a hushed tone.

_“…he did?”_

“Yes, he did,” April said, her voice becoming steady again. There was only one thing to do then.

Donnie said she could bring him back, could fix this.

She couldn’t fathom how she would, or even the possibility that he was still alive, but-

He’d come to her. He’d reached out to her. He’d asked for her specifically.

He blamed her.

Rightfully so, he blamed her.

April… she’d fix this, one way or another.

“I can be over before thirty is up.”

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

_…………_

_………_

_……._

_………._

_.……_

_...…̧h͏̧ȩ́̕l̢͏l̶ò̀?_

_I̧͘͝’͘͝m͝͏ ̸̡h͏e̷͟re͢_

_̵̧W̸h̕͠y͟ ͝c͘҉a̸̵n͞’̕t y̕o͘͟ư ̢̀͠s̨̀͢e͡e̴͞ ͘͡ḿ̴̕e?͠_

_I’̕m-_

_͏                                                                 Ì̸’́m ͟-_

_҉̷̛  I’̡ḿ͟-_

_H͘͢e̷ĺ͢p͏̕? ̕P̛lè̛a͡s̷e̕͞_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ḑo̴n͜nie͡ coul̛dn͞’̛t́ feel.̢

H̸e҉-

W̢as͘ he͢ a̴ h́e?̸

͡W̵h͝a͟t-?͜

̴Wh͏o-?̨

͟Wh͡er͜e̢ ͝wa̶s̸  _it͞?̸_

It…̴. i̡t c̸ould́n͜’t f͠eel-

_H͠e ͞_ cou̡ld̢n’̴t́ ̶fe͘el̶.̷

Hę- ̸he̛ ̀wa͘s s̷tíll he.̢ He was Donnie.

He-

It hurt. If he didn’t feel pain he felt nothing, and he couldn’t tell what was more painful anymore.

It͡ hur͘t́ ̷ít̢ ͘hurt ̨ _i̛t h҉u͘rt ̴i͘t̷ ̨h͏urt͞ -_

Why-?

She- April- she did this.

Why.

͜W͢ḩy̨ ̢w͝hy w͘ _hywhyw̧hy-_

He-

Where-

His family. His brothers. Leo Raph Mikey-

_L̨͢ęo ̸́R̷͝a͠ṕh̢͠ ̡͘M͘i͠k̸̢̡e̵ý̶ ͞L҉̢e͘ơ͡ ̕͞R̕̕͟a͏͡p̨̀h̀͜ ̢M̧͝i̸͟k̴͞ȩ̶̨y͢͞ ̷̡͠L̵͜͞e̛o͜ ̵R̴̡̨àp͘h͡ ̀̀M̕i̵͘͟k̷e̷͡y̷͟͞-̸̢_

He͡-

H͟e͜ ́n͏eed͠e̛d ̢the̕m͏.

He- he needed their help.

They couldn’t save him, but they made it easier. Easier to remain _himself_ , a̕n͠d̵ ̀n̷o̷ţ a͜n̡ _I̢t͡._

Everything hurt. He-

He wasn’t supposed to exist anymore.

Sometimes- rare moments-

Donnie dragged himself back together enough to think, to be something of who he’d been before.

And-

He’d think. As fast as he could, as hard as he could, before he got pulled apart again. He’d think.

It hurt, but everything did when he wasn’t nothingness.

Nothingness hurt too though.

Everything. Everything hurt.

He wasn’t supposed to exist. He’d been torn _\- ͠ri͜p̴ped̢b̵ro͞ken̴d́ęs̕troy̛e̕d͡-́-_ and shouldn’t still be.

But-

He couldn’t leave.

He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

He-

Donnie wanted to go home.

_Had_ to go home.

His family-

His father his brothers his friends-

 ͏-̧Apri̡l͜-

\- w͟hy҉whyw҉h͢y̡whywhyw̢h͏yh͘o̷wcou̡l̸d̛sh̴ew̕hy͟d̷ids͟heh̕e _l̢ov̴edhę_ r _-_

-April why-

\- whywhy _wh͜y̧͏̧wh̛͟yw͢h̵̀y̵̛-̡͝͝_

Donnie wasn’t supposed to exist anymore, but he did.

And he was getting home, to his family, to ̡h͜ís͞b̧ŕothe̕rsf͝a҉t͢hȩr͞frien͞d͘s͟--

He ne̢ed́e͝d̡wa҉nte̴d͏ha̡dt͠o̴ ̛ǵe̕t home.

They needed him.

He needed them.

_H͘o͏m̕e͟h̕o̵m͞ehomého͡me͠homéhome-̴-_

His _family-_

Please, please please ̵p̴lease͟ ͏p͝l̀e͟a͢s̛e̡pl̡ea͝s͘epl̵eas͏e-͡-

They needed to hear him. He talked to them, reached to them, y̴el̨led͘ ͡scre͡am҉ȩd҉ ho̵wlèd̷ -

He-

He could feel them, hear them, but they couldn’t do the same to him. Donnie was too scattered to appear often, but he tried. He tried and tried and t͞r̢i҉e͘d̢.

_A͞p̕ri͡l̷ -_

April could help him.

Her powers-

He- he could feel it.

They would help him.

He just-

He ju̡st n̷ęed͜e͟ḑ-

\- ͠-͘t҉o̢-͢-

\- h͠o͏ld͢ o͞n̴ ̵a l͞it͏tļe-

_\- lo͜n͝g҉er-_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                      P̧l͝͡e͝a͠se̸̛͘…      ͝͞ _h̸u͘rŕ̵̸y.̶̢_


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

April walked through the familiar sewer passages, quietly making her way to a place she felt banished from.

Her boots made slick footsteps, as she descended deeper into the underground her friends called home.

Were they even her friends anymore? Could she really call them that?

Probably not.

Her thick hoodie and jacket kept her warm, but she still felt chilled. Unsettled on an internal level. April felt very, very wrong for doing this. Going back to the home of someone… someone she’d killed.

Even if she’d been called there, it still felt like she wasn’t supposed to return to the lair.

As April entered one of the deepest tunnels, finding her way into the one that would lead to the lair, she felt the clear absence of her tessen and tanto blade. After she’d been gifted with each, she never went out at night without at least one of them, if not both.

She hadn’t touched either of her weapons in weeks. The first night after, she’d taken all of the gifts given to her by her second family, and bundled them away. They still sat in her closet, untouched and hidden from sight.

She missed them, and even more so missed the feeling of worth she felt when she held them. That she was a part of something, of a clan, of a _family._

She didn’t feel worthy anymore, or like she was a part of something.

April stepped into the lair, pushing through the turnstiles, and ignoring the feeling of disrespect she felt walking into the hidden home. With her hood still low and her steps quiet as possible- April observed the scene she was walking into.

Each member of her former family was scattered around the living room. The way they sat apart, looking distracted and sullen, made the obvious missing piece so much worse.

The first thing April noticed about them all, was just how tired they all seemed. Gaunt somehow, with grief and something else. Something un-nameable, but just as painful.

Raph was the first to spot her.

April watched, as his expression went from tired to furious.

“Oh _hell no_ ,” He said, lips curling. Raph stood up slowly, and April could see the coiling anger in his posture. “What is _she_ doing here?”

April tried to shrink further into her coat, a wave of shame going through her.

“I called her,” Leo spoke up, voice calm and even. Raph rounded on him, but Leo met his brother’s glare without flinching. “Sensei and I discussed things, and decided it’d be best to bring her here.”

“Uh, you didn’t think it’d be a good idea to discuss it with me? Or hell, Mikey too?” Raph exclaimed, gesturing sharply at their youngest sibling. “What the fuck- you didn’t tell _either of us!”_

“Because we knew you’d react like this-”

“Of _course_ I’m gonna react like this, why the _fuck-_ ”

“ _Raphael.”_

April’s attention was yanked from the fighting brothers, to their father standing at the edge of the pit. Silence went over the group, as Splinter turned to look at April.

“April, come in. We have much to discuss,” Splinter said, nodding to her. He turned to Raph and Leo, and gave his second son a look. “April has been invited back because of what Donatello said. She is needed here, and you, Raphael, are not going to use that language no matter how angry you are. You know better. April, please take a seat.”

April hesitated, glancing again at Raph. He was darting disbelieving looks between her and his father. Splinter beckoned her again with his hand, and April reluctantly slunk into the lair.

She passed by Casey, who was slouched against the cushions. She didn’t meet his eyes, but she felt the way his gaze followed her quiet steps. April crossed the media pit, and passed by Mikey. His gaze followed her too.

She was almost to the other side, when Raph spoke again.

“No- _no!_ I- she can’t be here! I won’t let her!”

April’s throat closed, and she froze where she stood.

“Raphael-”

_“She killed Donnie!”_

Grief welled, hot and painful, in April’s chest. Her hands, stuffed into her pockets, balled into fists.

“Hey- hey April, _at least have the guts to look at me!”_

April couldn’t breathe, as she slowly turned to look at Raph. She swallowed shakily, as she met Raph’s bright and furious glare.

It felt like everyone in the room was holding their breath, no one making a move to break the tension. For a long, horrible moment, April stared into Raph’s eyes, and couldn’t look away.

He looked exhausted- exhausted and desperate.

He looked like he hated her.

April wasn’t surprised, but it hurt regardless.

Leo finally stepped forwards, putting a hand on Raph’s shoulder. “Raph, she _has_ to be here. Donnie asked for her, we need-”

“We don’t need her!” Raph snapped, shoving Leo’s hand off him and jabbing his finger at April. “She’s the reason this happened, and I don’t want her anywhere _near_ us anymore!”

Splinter’s tail rustled his clothes, as he too took a step towards Raph. “I know this is difficult, but you must see reason-”

_“YOU SEE REASON!”_ Raph yelled, making April startle. He took a heavy step towards April, and was only held back by Leo grabbing his arm. “She betrayed us; she doesn’t even _deserve_ to set foot in here. It doesn’t fucking matter if Donnie asked for her, _she’s the one who murdered him!_ ”

April flinched back, a sharp stab of emotion going right through her chest.

Leo struggled to keep his grip on Raph, using both hands to hold onto him. “Raph- Raph stop it-”

“I already lost one of my brothers, I- I _can’t lose another-!”_ Raph’s voice broke, and he bared his teeth at April as he glared. “You killed our brother, _my little brother-!”_

“ _Raphael-”_

_“YOU KILLED HIM!”_ Raph screamed, pulling so hard against Leo that he stumbled. “He was trying to help you and _you KILLED HIM. How could you-_ how can you just _stand_ there like _\- like you didn’t-”_

“Raphael, that is _enough_ ,” Splinter said, stepping between his furious son and April.

April closed her eyes, bitter tears clouding them, and heard the choked sounds Raph made. She put a hand over her mouth, stifling her sobs, as she heard Raph’s knees hit the floor.

_“She killed him… I can’t… dad, she_ killed _him…”_

_“I know, I know my son. I’m so sorry, but we have to. She has to be here.”_

Hot tears slid out of April’s eyes, and her heart felt like lead.

Raph was right; she didn’t deserve to be here.

She wanted to leave, to slink away and give the mutant family the space they needed to grieve. April wanted to go and hide and possible never come back again. She wanted to- to-

A wave of cold suddenly went through April, and everything in the room stopped. She didn’t need to look; April could already tell that everyone else had also frozen where they stood.

Something moved through the atmosphere of the lair, skirting the edges of April’s senses and power. It felt like water, or maybe air- yet also crackling electricity. Smooth, but also abrasive at the same time.

April couldn’t breathe, the icy tendrils reaching around her and slowly tightening.

The lights of the lair flickered, and the temperature dropped again; turning near freezing.

April couldn’t breathe at all.

_“No way, so soon-? It’s only been over a half… hour…”_

_“My… my son…?”_

April slowly raised her head, dropping her hand away from her mouth. Her eyes unwillingly drifted towards the thing in the room- the _person_ in the room- who was causing the cold presence.

April’s heart thudded in her ears, and she felt like something sharp was prickling down her spine.

Cold sweat beaded on the back of her neck, and April’s hood slid away as her knees nearly buckled.

There was no crushing pressure this time- instead, there was a frigid tension, holding everything completely still and soundless.

Standing- no, _floating_ , at the edge of the lair’s entrance, was Donnie.

 

 

 

 

Mikey couldn’t blink- and didn’t want to.

He slowly uncurled himself, afraid to break the utter quiet that’d descended on his home. He stood slowly, same as the other members of his family. They were all staring at the same thing as him.

He couldn’t talk, could barely think.

Though, one thought did manage to make it through.

_He’s not wearing his mask…_

Donnie, partially see through and milky eyed, floated five feet in the air; just thirty feet from where Mikey had been sitting on the couch. He was missing his mask.

Donnie tilted his head, and slowly blinked at them all.

Mikey swallowed, and he could feel his hands shaking.

Donnie… Donnie didn’t look right.

His scales were nearly grey, and every few seconds, the edges of his body would blur. Like he was trying to fade, but kept stopping himself.

His eyes- Mikey knew it without knowing why, but Donnie’s eyes weren’t covered by their third eyelid at the moment. He had no pupils, and not because they were hidden. They simply weren’t there.

He looked dead, and Mikey couldn’t form a coherent response to that sight.

Mikey heard April’s sharp inhales, but he didn’t look towards the sound.

He’d looked away last time Donnie appeared for him. He wouldn’t look away this time.

Mikey saw his father move in the corner of his vision, stepping towards Donnie.

_“Donatello…”_ Splinter breathed in a wavering voice.

Donnie blinked again, but didn’t turn towards their father. Then-

He took a step forwards- still in midair- and started towards them all.

Mikey felt his lungs growing tighter as Donnie approached, and his eyes watered from keeping track of his brother’s movements. Donnie’s body blurred worse as he walked through the air, getting closer to the ground with each step.

To Mikey, it seemed almost like Donnie was moving underwater.

His form dragged through the air, leaving something like after images as it did. They trailed Donnie’s silent movements, as he descended into the media pit.

Casey- the one closest to the entrance- stumbled back from Donnie’s chosen path, pale and wide eyed as he grabbed at Raph’s arm for support. Donnie didn’t acknowledge either of them.

Mikey saw his father reach out to Donnie as he neared- saw Splinter’s shaking hand come close to brushing Donnie’s, but-

The split second Splinter made contact, Donnie suddenly flashed across the room.

Mikey’s head whipped around to follow the movement, Donnie’s whole form turning into a streak as he rapidly crossed the floor. Mikey’s eyes barely followed, but he saw his brother reappear fully, right in front of April.

April stared up at Donnie, and Mikey could see her shaking as she did.

A rolling wave of flickers went through the lair, lights dimming and coming back up again. Donnie was still silent, completely intent on April.

Mikey wasn’t sure what to do. They had April- _why hadn’t his father and brother told him about her coming why didn’t they tell him_ or _Raph-_ and now they had Donnie. What was the next step? No one had told him anything, and now he was scrambling to think around his internal storm, trying to figure out what the hell they were supposed to do.

“Donatello,” Splinter started again, though his voice sounded distant somehow. Mikey momentarily glanced away- _sorry, Donnie_ \- to look at his father, and saw how Splinter was clutching the hand that had touched Donnie. It seemed to be trembling. “Donatello, we’ve brought April here. Please, tell us how she is meant to help you.”

Mikey’s eyes jumped back to Donnie, who was still staring at April. He hadn’t glanced away, or even acknowledged their father.

Whatever the reptile equivalent to goose-bumps was, Mikey felt them shiver over his scales.

He saw April’s hood had slid away, revealing short choppy hair, as she tried to back away from Donnie. He was floating still, and loomed over April with a sheer, frigid presence.

“Donnie… why did you bring me here?” April asked, voice hoarse and small.

Donnie’s only response was to tilt his head, and Mikey could see enough of his brother’s face, that he caught a momentary flicker of emotion there.

“I… I don’t know what you want me to do,” April said, wide eyes staring down the apparition above her. “None of us knows what you want me here for.”

Something rolled through the air, and Mikey’s hands were on his ears before he realized he’d moved.

High pitched ringing, and something like crackling wires, came from Donnie. It was loud enough that Mikey had to press hard against the sides of his skull to block it out, and Donnie still hadn’t actually opened his mouth. The sounds continued for a few beats, then went silent again.

Donnie still loomed, motionless and emotionless, above April.

Mikey watched, as the person who’d killed his brother- who’d haunted his dreams for over a month now, who still made him wake up shaking and terrified- started to cry.

April’s expression crumbled, and thick tears ran down her cheeks. “I-I can’t understand you, Donnie. I couldn’t understand a-any of that.”

Mikey felt more than saw his other family members start moving in, spotting Splinter and probably Leo in the corners of his vision.

More high pitched sounds, but with different decibels this time; not enough that Mikey had to cover his ears. It was ringing still, but dropping low enough that Mikey could almost hear the individual sounds.

“Wha- what was that? Try it again-”

Garbled sounding voice finally aligned enough- Donnie’s mouth not opening once the whole time- until finally-

_y͇̦̞͚̣̠̯o̝̠u̵͖̜͎̦͍̙̭.̪͕̖̟͎͔́.̢͇̰̘͈̹̲.̶̱̣̩̳ ̦̀y͙͎̮͚o͎͇̫͖͔̖u͔͕͈̠̦̻̮ ̳̮͙ͅd҉̤̣͍̙̺i͖̬d͉͉͜ ̝t͕͈̗̗͈̗͓hi̖̲̕s̶͇̗̮̗̤.̠̞̪̞̕.̡.͍̰̳ ͖̻͓a͔͎ͅp̜̜͔͉͕̠̜r͙̳̺̰̞̪i̝͕̹͘l.̰̼͝.̮͇̱̺̲̞ͅ.͎̞̖̘͓͉͙_

 

“I-I know, I know it did. I’m trying to fix it, tell me _how_ though-”

_ẁ̫̪͈̭͉͠h̛̜̥͓͎̪̞͈̻̥̀͡y̷̩̟̜̪̹_

 

“What?”

**_W̡͕̥̮̱͚̖͜H̱̻̪̱͉̠͕Y҉̵͙̹̳͙̹_ **

 

Mikey’s hands flew over his ears again, as Donnie’s disembodied, static filled voice rang out.

He glanced at April, who was trying to back away again. Her eyes were locked on Donnie, whose body was blurring worse and worse.

“I-I don’t know,” April whispered weakly. “I don’t know why. I didn’t mean to, I swear. It- I couldn’t control-”

_L̢͇̟͇͎̤͡I̴̞̣̩̤̻̳̤E̳͕͍̱͜͡S̸҉͎̱͚̟̞̭ ̨̧̨͚͕̪̳͙y̵͍̞̗̞̜̫̦̹̼͘͡o͓̘̗̞̘͙̘̰͜u͍̘̜̞̪͘'̴͇̟̰ͅr̛̼̘̟̣̱ę̢̳̳̫̗̘͉̰͓͠ͅ ̝̼̩̤͔̻̣̕ͅl̫̭͜͡y̴̼͓̰ì̺̙͡ņ̱̫̝̖̖g̛̦̝̞̤̟͖̪͎ ̛̬̗̻͎̥a̧̘̺p̢̦̳̮̣r͇̼̜͓̺̯ͅi̢͈͙̰̭l͏̣̖ ̧̖̝͇̙͚̺͇Y̛̦O̩̳͈̼͕̦̼͜͞U̺̼̕̕͘'̻͖̯̫͇̝R͙̺͓̲̫E̫͙̱̜̺̬̜̘̲ ̢̮͓̣L̶̫̥̫̪̞Ỵ̢͇̠͠Į͖̣̝͈̤͖͎́ͅŃ̼̖G͈̗̰̫͎͖̬̟_

 

Mikey’s vision blurred, same as Donnie’s floating form. He saw April stumble, as the crushing pressure Leo, Casey, and Splinter had described bared down on them all.

_i̫̮̺ ͉̞̻͕̯h͖̣̫e̬̼a̲͔r̦̕d̠̝̞̺͎̼̳͠ ͖͖̙̘͔̮̕he̱͔̘r͉̯̭̣ ͚͖̖̬̮̹s̹͇̖͙͙̟h̰̞e͓̰̯͙͔ ҉̭̹͕̙̩̘s͕ͅa̛ị̶̝̪̣ḍ̷̠̩̩̝ ͡Y̛͓̳̙O҉U̖̹̹͎ ͖ŞA҉I̵̗͎̻̮̩̺̱Ḍ̪͔̺̖̜ ̲͇̘̘̱͓͔y̴o̥̮̦̹̺̥ͅu̙͕͎̲͈͘ ̺͡w̞͈a̡͈͈͇̥̞͍n͎͓̪̻t̙̰̩̘̦̬e̸͓̭͎͈̜͓d ̫͓͉̥̲͘p̬͍͖o̙̲̗̤ẁ͙͖ͅe͎̗͚̤͔̪̹r̸̼͚̺̮̯͖̖ ̧̪̼̻̯w̲̗͔͉a͕̳̜n̲t̻͢e͉͚̘d̻ ͈̺̰̞̜m̩̼̫͙͈̳o̮͔̖͟ŕ͚͙̤͙̗e̗̩̯͚͓̩ p̭̞͓͎o͔̯̘͔̰̙͡w̰̖e͍̱̜͕r̜̻̬̰̙͎̰ ̛̼̟̭̲̺͍͇Y̨O̳̺̫̤̞U̬̯̥̟ ͢C̺̳̼̟̭̙HO̲̼̜S̪̞͢E͜ ̩T̲͕̻̼͇͚̣H̙̦͎̮͍A̵T̟͈͟ ̡̣̬̰͚O̢͙̰̯V҉͇̳̙̬̩͙E̶̘̯̖̮͍R҉̯̫̭̙̫ ͎̱͕M͖̮̰̹̹E̸͓̲͖͙̠̹ ̝̯Y̳͔̹̠̩O̶̦̞̘̼U̦͕̞̤ ̵̻D͈̭̜̭͙̘̮͜Į̺ͅD̢͔͎ͅ ̳̙̝T̨̳̼̠̪Ḫ͍̞̘̟̜͢I͉̻S͕̣̬ ̤̙̖̙̀Y̫̲̞̩̮̩͈O̴̳̬̱̟̦̲͉Ư̼͉̗̬̻̖ͅ ̱͚̹D̩͕͍͇͢I̬͉͈͉D̯̤̥͎͔̭̞͡ ͡T̴H̯͈̺̠͎̩͠ͅI̢͈͓̟͍ͅS͚ ̡̞͖̤̞̥O̼͓͓̤͔̪ͅN̸ ͏͔̼P̴͖U̯̪̩̖̹̼͇͢R͍̻̤̼̰̮̬Ṕ̦OS͚̺̣͉͉̩E̲̗̘_

 

_“I-_ _no I wouldn’t have-”_

_y҉̖̳͔̖ó̫̹͎u̧͍̯̫͓̮͇͎̜͞ ͔̘̀͠D̷͓̗̗̭͕̖̰̟Ị̡͇̝̱̦̤͜D̼̟͍͔̻͕̙̗̺̀ y͏̫̩̩̠͉̙o̘͖̪u͔̪̤̮̹̩ ̤͖̦̤̥̦D̖I̭̤D̹̤̺͎ ͇͇̩̺̣T̗̭͕H̻̲͕̰O̠͟Ṵ̖̬͜G̶H̛̰͙ͅ ͈̤̀y̼̗̬͙͎o̫ù͎̥̫͕͚̙ͅ ͉͍͙̥͎͖͞d̦͘i̪̕d̛̪̹͚͇͚̬ ̨͓͇͈a͚͚̱͓n͔̳͍d͓̜͍̟͠ ̤̖̹i̧̤̤̤̦̗̟̬t͇̀s͢ ҉͙̳̼̟ͅa͉̰̗l̩͈̣̞̱̘̼l̝ ̜̠͇̳̳͢y̭͜o̷̼͓̼u̳̰r͔͙̗ ͚͖̥f̲͔͚͉̖a̘̞u͙͓͔̲̕l̠͈͙͚̘̮̜t̫͎̰͙͉̩͟ ̻̰͖͝ͅi̗̬̭'̴̜͚͎͉m̢̹̩ ̤̞̬̙̹̦t͈̝̳͉r̻̲͕̱̹a͕p̙p̤̙̪͍̩e͓d̦ ̜̙̜̖͈̀a̻̩̰͙̠̙̘n̴̦̬̲̬̯̺ḑ̲̲͈̮͇ͅ ͇͍̦͔̱ͅͅi͉t̠̳̤͟s͚͚̭̻͍̦͉͟ ̻̮̯̥̭á͉ll ̞̥̀y̗͉o̩̟̣͕̺͝u͜r̤̀ ͎͎̥f͙͓au̱͜l̨̫̹t̛̞̗̩͉̬͇ ̦̺̪̞̹͖y͓̰̲̯̰̯̮͠o̵͇̮͙̖͈u͙̱ ̥d̮͙ͅi͓̯͟d̡̘ ̸t͇̱͙͉͇͙͕͠h̬̥͡i̞̰͎͞ͅş̬̰̯̜̯ Y̳O̕U͓͇̞̻̕ ̖̜̼DI̡̮D͈̥͓̤͈ ͔̬̯̥̯T̹͖̲H͖͎̳̙͉͉͍I̜̯͍͚̥͕̞S͎̘̭̮͍͕ ̧̦͔̤͔̲̩Ą͉͖̟͓̞̼P͚͇̞̖͖͈ͅR̺̩̲I̩̻̫̟̤͚L̪̲̱ͅ ̞̪̥Y̦O̡̻̣U̢͈̳̥̜ ̛̻͚͇͉̹Ḏ̦I̙D͇̹̪̟̺̗̜ ̶̙̣͖͎̜ͅT̞̹͎̹H̱͕̳̠͙Į̦S҉̯ ͉͚̤͖̺H̼̜͇͘O̦͇̫͙͉W̟̗̜ ͔̖̗̜͡C̛̝O̺͘U̬͔̠͍̰͈̲͝L͇̀D̷ ̵Y̖O̜̩̯͈̙͜U̡͖͍͉̲ ͓̱̤̥̘I̩͇̻'̣͇M͚̗̜͎̟̼ ̼̰͔̙T̷̞R̳̩̝̗̞A̶̭̲̜̗͔̝̬P҉̖͈̪͓͉̖P̻͈͔̥͙E͙̲̖͟D͔̤̙ ͖͓A̺͔̮̣͠N͔͖͔͎̟̹̞͞D̠̮̮̼͠ ̯̲̝͓̫I̡̖̯͓T̪̙̩ ̡͙̝̪͇H̢̙̥U͔͉̰̟͚R̤͖̘̦̥̭̖Ṯ̯̫̙ͅS͙̱͍̹ ͙̻̺̬́a̯̺̠̩p̹̗͈͔͔̣r̶̜̹i̱̙͔̩̖l̬̻͎͓ ̭̖̟̠̻͓i̛̞̬̩͖̖̲̹t̛̖ ̢̹̲͖̼̲̰h̷̳̰͖͇ṵ͉͎͈̟͎ṟ̠̰͍t̢͙̱̲̹͍̠͉s͚̝̙͍̟ i̟̺̱̘t̴̟͇ ̻͙̥͎h̸͍̙͍̣ư͔̺̘͍̦͉ṛ̖̞̼t͎̪̱̬̹̦̯̀s ̬̫̬̫i̻͚̣̼̫͠t̳͚͕͍̟̱ ̖͚̼̖̤̪͙h͍͖̯u̶̦̼͍̘̠ͅṟ̖̹̤̼̪̩t̶̝̞̠̜s̖̰̳̻̞͜ ̮̯I̩͙TS͓̱͙̱͕̲̦͢ Ą͎͈̜͖L̶̳̻͔̠͎̮̜L̺͜ Y̵̭̲̯O̳͈̭U̯̹̠͍͔̦R̫̤̩ ̴͚̤F̲̩͉̥̖̣̯A͉̳͓̪͙͈͉U͚͚͔̼L͎̲̟͚̮̗̕T̘̯̙̠͈͜ ̻̻͈̘̥͉ͅH̹͓̞̣̦͉O̧W̛̞̥͉̤̝̤̳ ̝̩̩̝̮̀C͘O̸̳̳͚̪͇U͓͓̜̦L͇͙̼̥D̘̬̪͙̹̥ ̥͟Y̤͚Ơ͉̥̟͔U̠̪̱͎͈͚͕͘-_

 

_“I DIDN’T MEAN TO!”_ April screamed, clutching the sides of her head.

Donnie suddenly went silent again, and Mikey slowly peeled his hands away from his ears.

The only thing to be heard was everyone’s harsh breathing, Mikey’s own lungs still feeling tight and refusing to fill completely.

April seemed the worst off, still crying and holding onto herself, like she was trying to keep from falling apart.

Donnie stared down at her, soundless and without emotion. Once again a silent judgement of what she’d done.

April gasped wetly, looking up at Donnie with bruised and exhausted eyes. “I didn’t mean to. Za-naron was controlling me; I couldn’t hold her back anymore. I never meant to do this, Donnie. I’m… I’m so sorry.”

April’s apology hung in the air, quiet and broken sounding. Mikey’s still existing empathy for her, despite everything, put a rush of emotion through him. He still cared about April, even with what she’d done.

Donnie’s head slowly tilted, the opposite side as the last time, and he seemed to be considering April.

_yo̞̣̳̟͎̙u͏͍̻̼'̥̰̦̯͘r̝ȩ̭̳̼.͍̗̻͉̫͉̘́.̝̥̼͝.̠̱̭̙͖͞ ̢̜̞̝ͅs͈or͠ͅr͖̝̰͝ͅy̱̫̥͠?͓̲͈̹̮͓͞ͅ_

April nodded, another tear trickling from her chin. “I’m so, so sorry.”

Donnie stared down at April, wide and milky eyed. April stared back at him, fearful and watery. Then-

All at once, Donnie’s expression twisted. The first emotion he’d shown the whole time, and it was him curling his lip into a snarl.

_Y̧̝̤̮̹̬O̧̞͙̠̼͜U̝͔̼̬̘͠'̷̶̳̩̭͉̩̰R̜̳̀́͝ͅͅE͉̺̞̯ **҉͔͓̻͟S͚͟͠O͔̜̜͢ R͏͈ Ŕ̦̮̣̼̭͢͝ Y̢͇͎?̭̭̻̼̮͘͢!͎̝̥̮̭̻**_

 

Donnie opened his mouth- revealing nothing but a gaping blackness behind his teeth- and he screamed.

It was ear piercing, bone trembling, soul deep and heart wrenching all at once. It overtook everything, and April’s own scream was lost in the overwhelming force of sound.

The crushing pressure returned, and this time Mikey’s legs gave out.

The same time he hit the floor, he saw April hit it as well.

Something- _Donnie?-_ roiled through the air, snapping and strangling everything. Fury- it was pure fury and anguish. Mikey’s eyes watered, and he choked as his brother’s raw pain flooded every one of his senses.

Mikey couldn’t think- his brother’s visceral howl clogging every bit of his mind. He- Donnie was in so much pain, he was in so much pain- Mikey- Mikey needed to help him- get him back get him to safety- make it _stop- please- ṕ̤̞̯l͠e̻͍̮̣as̜͢e͙͈̙͟ ̞͜m̷̫a̞ke͍̫͖ ͖͇̻͓i̤t͕̪̞̯̙̲ ̞ **s̵̞͎̰t̲͎̺̤̰̟o͍͈͇̦p̠͖̘̬̙͍-̴͉͖͚̦͚͉͖**_

 

Mikey’s skewed eyes caught a glance of Donnie- his brother floating high above the ground, form warping and flickering as the howling got louder and louder _and louder-_

_-_ _ma̱k͢e ͔͓̬̭i͖̪͓̦͔̙͙t͍͜ ̯̲͖̻̕s̪t͉̜͙̜̹͔o҉͉̝͉̭̳̫p̟͈ ̝̦̜̲̲̞͈̕m͖͜a͚̠̰̱k̩̦̻͇̘ȩ ḭ̹̯̱̼t̠̟̩̣̟ ̗͚͉̕s̭̞ṱ͚o̡̦p̟̥̀-̴̹ h̶͓͚̭̼̟e̩l̨̟p͙͉͕͡ m͔e̫͖ Ì ̛̺̮̖̼͉̗ne͔̪̟̺̲̥̟ḙ̪̩̗̮͖̟d̀-̵̮̝͖ ̶̻̹̟I̢͕ ͖͉͇̹n͖͎̺̟̤̬ͅe̫͜ͅè̪̙͚͔̻͎d̹͈̥̘ͅ ̪͝h̺͕̠̞̦͇ẹl̸̘p̷̼̗̤̹͚ ̯͈̤̺p͚͚̝̦̫͇ĺ̘͕̹͖͍̰e̶͙̗͍̦͍̱a̦̺̰̤s͟e͈͎͔ ̡̻͙͙͓ͅi̺͡t͕͍͍̦͔ ̞͍̭̠̠̀h̙̱̙͍̪̞u̳͇͈͈̞͔̜r̬̰̫̫̬̦͇t̜̹̣̗̘̰͝ș͎̥̥̮ ̦ **it̛͍̟ ̙̺͍͖̲ͅh̡̭̺̤̙u̗͓̞r̛̖̮̰͍t̟͍̤͞s̺͢ ̛s̭o̰ ̰̲͔m̩̀u̢ch̡͎̤͙-̳̱͍**_

A different scream broke through the noise, and Donnie’s howl cut off.

Mikey saw his brother’s body evaporate in midair, like dust being swept away by the wind. The air pressure popped, and Mikey gasped as he breathed again.

The lights stopped strobing, and stillness settled back into the lair.

The sudden silence filling the room, it was only broken by Mikey’s family gasping for oxygen, and April’s sobbing.

Mikey rolled onto his hands and knees, head feeling woozy and full of cotton. He rubbed his eyes, trying to get clear vision again. His hand came away wet, and Mikey realized that his mask felt damp with tears.

Blearily, his gaze drifted to the closest person to him.

April was curled on herself, hands and arms over her head as she sobbed. She was muttering _“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry-”_ over and over under her breath.

Mikey blinked sluggishly, and then pushed himself shakily onto his feet. He stumbled the few steps it took, then collapsed again in front of April’s prone form.

“Hey- hey April, you… are you okay?” He asked, hands hesitating over his… over April’s shoulder.

April made a choked sound in the back of her throat, and curled up further.

Mikey’s hands hovered for another long moment, indecision and acidic memories bubbling up in his chest, and then-

He gently put them on April’s jacket clade shoulder, and shook her once. “C’mon, answer me, did he hurt you anywhere?”

“… _no, no he didn’t,”_ April whispered, still hiding in herself. _“I… I sent him away, again. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry…”_

April trailed off, quiet sobs returning.

Mikey looked down at the person who’d been the source of his nightmares, a person he’d seen as one of the strongest people he knew, how she was now curled up and crying without coherence- and wondered how it had come to this.

April looked so different without her hair. She looked… smaller.

Mikey closed his eyes, and slowly opened them again.

April’s shoulder felt smaller too. Thinner.

“April…” Mikey mumbled, rubbing April’s shoulder. “It’s gonna be okay. We’ll fix this. We’re gonna fix this.”

April shook her head miserably, and kept crying.

As Mikey’s family found their feet again- stumbling around and shaking off whatever Donnie had done to them all- Mikey rubbed April’s shoulder. Smoothly and carefully, unsure of what he was trying to accomplish.

He wasn’t sure at all, what they were trying to accomplish anymore; least of all himself.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i did it. it was hard but i did it.
> 
> hhhhhhhh.... dialogue can be so difficult sometimes. god.


	8. Chapter 8

.̵̱̬͙́͟.͙̳͕̳̤͈̞̗.҉̶̶̺͖̹̩̙̯̗̣.̢̬̼̣́͢.̵̲̮͓͔̫̥̼̟͜.̧̧̧̠̱.̧̫́͢.̸̛̥̞̤.͔̫.̵̛̣͎̼͉̼̮ͅ.͏̴̰͕.̷̧͙̪̖̻̖̼̲͉̥

̪̩̯̳̞̫̹͟͡

̱͉̳̮̰͈̼̦

̶̹̼͕͙̜͓̀͝ ̞͘ ̲͉͚        ̨̝̫͙͖̹̼ ̷̱̭̣̲̪̀͢ ̸͖̼̘̗͚͕̭͈͖͠ ̵̦̜͙̪̮͕͔͕̠͘ ̱͔̮ ͖̞̲̹̣̜̲͖̹͡ ̫̝̹͚͈̖̰̖͠ͅ ̜̝͍̬ ̶͚͔̗͝ ̴̸͇̲̗̥̺͚͇̣̣ ͉̘̱ ̺̘̯͘ ̫͙̥̯̬̞͍ ̢̗̠͍͝ ̨͈̦̯̻̱͢ ͖̮̗͖̯̲͉͇ ͍͙͎͓͖̣̦ ̧̨̜̬̞̮͓ ̱̥̖͉ ҉̢̥̤̗̮͉͚̩͍ ̵̡̜̜͈͍͓̫̬͠ ̵̹̼̫̲̦͖̞ ̧̮͔̮̯͖̲̖̭ ̴̖̩̙͉͟ͅ ̱͘ ̝̭͔̲̜̼̼ ̣̦ ̶̧̘͚̜͓͍̤̰̹ ͏̟͍̳̲ ̞̟̼̕ ̩̺̳̗̺̫̟̺̖

̸͉̝͕̟̱̰́͟ ̵̗̱̰̹̯̝̫̤͙̕ ̀͏̹͍̦̕ ̠̗͕̗͙̭̲̕ ̶̧͚̯̬͖̺̼̗͔ ̬͇͙̦̼̰͔͚͢ ̷̧̫͍ ̡̛̮͟ ͕̗̩͠

̱̬̤̼̞͕̠ 

             ̵͓̺̘̼͙̻͉̮̜ ̴̙̘̘̤͢ ͙̝͘͠ͅ ͎͈͚̮͓̟̟ ̘̗̥̼̺͕͈ͅ ҉̬͕̻̠͙͔͖ͅ ̠̫̙̯͉̮̲͜ ̹͘ ̴͓͔͇̫́͟ ̵͍̹̝̕ ̧̙̖͇͓ ̕҉̰̟͇͚̙͞ ̵̳̲̲̬̝ ̥̫̠̙͇͚̻͞ ̹͝ ̡̧͓ ̡͈̹̦͕͉̹ ̷̳̬̮ ̠̭̜͕̬̟̟ ̵̫͚͝ ̵̨̼̫̰͝ ̴̡̟̭ ̫̲̮̠͙̤̞ ̵̨͚̘ ̥̫̺͙͞ ̵̨̪̲̳͓ ̴͕̱̣̭̪ ̡͈̻̞̱̖̘͈̕ ̨͍̩̟̜̝ ͟͏͕̘̞

̼͙̭̝

̢̡͓̪͉̙̠̳͈ ͕̲̠̗͜ ͔̯̘͙̻ ̷̻͉̪ ̡̯͚̖͖͕̤ͅ ̴̨̧͓͍̳̫͈̣̠̙ ̴̪͖̼̮̪ ̞ ̣͜ ͚̘̯͠ ̤̬̤̪̞͞ ̫̘̬͈̤̘̦͎͠ͅ ̲͖̱͙̭̦̲ ̴̫͖̞͉̫̣̗̬͠ ̛̯̳̳͞ ̠ ̛̬̝͞ ̢̻̩͇ ̱͍͉ ̷͉̼͕̬̰̙͝ ̛̥̤͘ ̩̹͇̰̹ ̵҉̬̫̥̳ ̤͙͉͔̪̳̜̀͘ ̠̙̥̤̼͔͜͜ ̵̳̫̙̯͕̺͚ ̮͚̟̦͈̬̘ ̰̣̲̬͖̗̪ ̴̛̞̦̦̖̥͈̻̀ͅ ̼̹ ̹͇͈̖ ̮̗̩́͡ ̩̣͓ ̸̶̳̼̘̭͉͉͈̗͞ ̰̦͚̻ ̷͝͏͉̻̺̰ ̨̛͈̺͍͍̲ ̭̣͓͉̝̦̪ ̵͍͓̀ ̵̻͈͝ ̵̵͇̲̬̝̼͠ ̴̸̨̦̹̺ ̀͝͏̭̮͔̜ ̖̤͟ ̜̠̩̟̘̩̮̪ ͍̱̝̬͜͡ ̴̨̝͚̩̮̗ ̢̝̬͓̝͚͖͉͍̕ ̭͇̹̀ ̝̠͇̲̭͇ ͏̩̦͓̤͡ ̵͇̮͚̯̥̙ ̙͚̪̼̗̥̼͈͞ ̹̤͜ ̶̬̘͟ ҉̧̖̞̝͚͈ ̭̻͝͝ ͓̥̘͞ ̷̤͙͎̖̣̳̞ͅ ̧̩̹̰̺̞͎͓͚̀

̤͚ ̢̨͕ ̴̷̭͕ ̧̢̦̖̮ͅ ͏̼̜͚͔̯̣ ̷̱̦̞̙̀ ̝̪̺̕̕ͅ   

 ̸͈̻͖̰̼̠              ҉̼͇̩̻ ̨͇̝̖͔̘̫͓͈͠͡ ̱͈̫̺̺̜̩͈̥ ̨̮͓̯̘̠͕͠͠ ̷̲̞̪̘̗͙͢ͅ ̶͕̹̲̜̘̞ ̸̞͇͉ ̴̰͔̘͈̻̘̹͟ ̢̙̰̜ ̢̪̣̠̤͎̟̣ͅ ̲͎̤̘̝̲ ̧͔̠͘ ҉͙͉͓͔̤̼͚̖̩ ̶͕̣̼͖̱̹̩͇͟

 ̜̼͚̪̫̺̤̠͜

͈̠͕̱̳̭ ̦͕̫͖͠͞   ̸̷̨̮̮ ̸͖̜͎͙̗͚̱̠͈ ̵̴̳͠ ͏̶̸͙̣̰̮͖ ̸҉̺̼̦͞ ̷͢҉͓̥̝̖͇̙̜ ̶͏̼̳̼̳̟ ̛͏̸̪̣͓ ̠̹̕͞ ̗ ҉̝̗͖͠ ̜͕ ̮͓̼͝ ̻̦̣̬̤ ͜҉̼̦̺͔͠ ̷̡͈ ̵͚ ͇̳̪ ͙͕̥͓̞̥͢͞

 

i̥̣̮̬̞̩ͅ ͈d̶̘i̭̲͉̺̹̝͍d͇̣͉̮̲n͔̞̜͈̭̕'̥͔̜̝t̤̳̼̻ͅ ̦͍͇̙̠me̞̟͉̳̞a̯̪̝n̢͍̼̗ t̕o̦̺̝̥ ̭̠͇̦i̠͓̱̻̫̰ͅ'ḿ ̩̦̭̦͓̞̼s̢͎̟͈̘o̢̪̹r̛͖ṟ̦͎̤̗ͅy̷  
̥͈̭͟  
̜̤         i͖'̰̩̻̠m҉͙͈̭͓̘ ̧̥̘̬̟s̸̳̙o̰͔̠̘̺̮r͖̗͓̟͔̳͎͜r͜y̥̘̻̕ ̻͕̥̟̼̙͜i̧̲̘͖̝̘͓'̮̜m̶̱̗̫̳ ̴̹͇so̮͕͠r̬r͕̕ͅy͖ ̤̲͓̳̼͚i͖͕̺͈'̶͈͖͉͖̗m͇̣ ̯̳̼s̲̞̙̩͟o͚̹̠r̥̳̹̺r̝͔̫͈̣̳̩y͏̹̮͍͕̜̤̹  
̳̭͓͎͓͎̣  
͕̮̯  i̬͉̹̞͍̲͓t̻̖̰̞̫̼͡  
̵̝͎̙  
͉͉͕̘̥̬   i̘͖͖̳͉͙̜t̢͎͕͈ ̯̖̳j̺̘̩͍̰͙͓͘u̷͔͕̰s̜̪̤t̙̖͓̟͙ ̲̠͕̼h̦̝̼͓̩u̼̰̭̼̕rt̫̙̺͉́ͅͅś͈̺͔̱  
̡̭̱̙̥̯̺̟  
̧̣̠͉̥̯̝̭i͇͉̣͓t͓̳̹̩̦ ̣̘̘̣h̡u̟̫r͇͇͉̖̙t͈͇͎s̝̠̮̗̫̯̦ ̳͇i͏͙͔̯t͘ ̛͇͍̪̭h͔͈̝͡ͅu͇͚̺r̤̭̮͙̭͚t̼͈̝͓̖͍s͏̜ ̵̠̪i̥̝̝̜ț͙̣̭̙ͅ ͈̖h̼̟̦u̮̖̱r̺̲̹̞̙̳t̪͓̩̼s̥̰͇͇͈͇̫  
͢  
͚̣ḭ͚  
͙͓͢  
͉̙ͅw̹é̬̞͇͙̖ ͙w͚̜̫̤ͅͅeͅṟ̸͓̲e̱̹  
̨  
                            h̤͍͇̻̦̠o͎̱̲̞w͎̳̮ ̱̮̪̥͙͖͉͞c҉͈͈̹͓̗o̞͙̺͓͍̹͞ú͎̯̫̬̣l͢d͇̼͎̮̳̣͘ ̖̻͈̻͇͜y͉̣̣̥̲̫͝o̶̻̺ư̤͙?̴̟͚  
͇̫͙  
̬̝̠̲͝i̺͎̞̩͇̤t̲̗͝ ̬͉̝̙͚̹ͅh̦͕̞͓̩̺̰̕u͎ͅr̠̝̬̹̘̦͘t̰̻͉̦̖͖͡s͍͇̀ ̰̫̖̣̻͡h̲̝̝o̮͈̲̰̹͙̼w̖̕ ҉̞̘̹̲̳͙c̶̭̯̯̙͓o̹u҉͔͍l̤̗̻͉̲͍̼d̴̤̪͕ ͍̬y̖̺͙o̲͚̙͕̘̪u͖̘̙̻͎̩  
̺̤̞  
̪̠̼̪̪                 h͇̯̺͔̻o̼̱̣ẃͅ ̝̰̣͉̖̝c̵͉̼̭̯o̘̻͚u̲̜̻̭͉l̠̮̖͓̣͢d̙͇̘̝͓ͅͅ ͏̖̪̱̜͉y̩̬͉o͠u ͚̬̖͍͚͕͉́ho̖̭̠̭͎͟w̲̞̠̞̬̘͚͠ ͇̣c̨̩̱óu̜l̸͙̹d͎͘ ̮h̵̖̮o͚͚͞w̱̲͖̜͎̣͜ ͙͇͇̗̦̕C̶̲̥̟̖̤̝O̪̳̠̖̫U̩̞̙͍̘L̠̝̝̭̦̱D͈͕̳͎͝ ̫̲̤̟̕Y̳̫̻͇̞̙O̟͢U̻̲͙  
͔̭̼̩̳̙̲͟  
̴̗͉i̡t͜ ̙͓̤̣͕̰ͅhu̢͇͈̰̟͇r̼̦͕̲͡t͕͙̖͉ͅͅs̯͍͓̗ͅ  
̦  
̹̘̜            h̼̫͓̳͞o̝͓͍̪ͅm̗̻̦͜e͍  
̴̦̰̝  
̴̺̬̻̻̣           i̘̣̘̭̤͚͝ ͍̰̗̣̘̝w̷̗̻̹̬̩͔̭a̝̘͖̝̼̣̺n̢͉̩̯̝͙t̨͍̳̙̤ ̺̼̖t̰o͏͔̭ ̫̘̼͍͖̬͟g̼͟o̙̱̲͜ h̢̝͓o̶̲̹̞m͓̠̗͚̜͍͚ȩ̬̘͈̮ͅͅ  
͎̥  
̧͙͔̹̣͔̗̥b҉ṟ͉̰͎͚i̶̠̮̳͈̩̼ń͎̮g̸̫̪̹͕͇ ͙͉̹͙͎m̜̱̻̙͇̥͚͢e̳̹̮͍̪͎̳͝ ̙̻͈ḥ̛̠o͈̰̜͘m̢̘̦e̤͕̤͇͙̙͔ ̼̩̲̲ͅp̸͖̣̜l҉͔̝̠e̷͍a̖͉̝͓̩͚̬s̷̝̻e͓͚̯͝ ̛b҉͕͕̮͈r̨̘̫̠̜̭̱̪i͖n̜g̷̣̭͖̖̲͍ ͔̬̗̞̪̺m̬͕̯̯͈͜e̦̞̦̼̬̜͘ ͓̼͈͇̟̟h͉͙͎̦̱̭o̜̖͕̖̤m̞ͅe̲͉̜̺͈̞̟  
̹͎͕̬̙̩͉  
̼          p̛̠̺̗̺ͅl͍̲̺̗̰̯ͅḛ̖͔̼̟̫a̜̜̦͍se͏̰̫͉͓̬  
̤̭̻̯  
̪̗͚i̗̼'̖̬̭̼̗ͅm ͎͈͉̫̻̪͈͜s̜̠͔̜ͅo̴͇̳̣̝̮r͍͚̗͇̹̻r͙͙͕̘y͖̱̯ ̼͇̬ͅi̳͈ͅ ̣͓̥d̫̫͕͖i͖͍d̥̭̯̼n̜̥'̩̱̼̥͖t̸̪̬  
̢͔̟̼͈̯̞ͅ  
͈̺̞̺̰̝͜i ͙̠d͝i̥̰̲̩̫̤d͙̀n̸̟̱̲̘̰̲'͉̲͎͙̝̳t̠͓̪̤ ̻̲͖͇̩̹w̝͕͙̪̱an̮͙̞͙͡t͖̥͇̥͎͡  
̺  
͖t̹̼̝̖ḫ̟̱̯͚͙̜͞i͇̠̠͡ͅs̖̳̩̼̳  
̹̞͓͈  
m̪͉e҉̣̼  
̪̭̱̻͟  
̦͖̖͘              s̱̼̮͍͙̦̪t͍̼͘o̝̼͉͕̩̺p̤̯͞ ̷i̞̫̻͘t̨̞̜̭͖͇ ̶̮͎̠͇m͎a͙ͅḳ͝e̘̖͈̲̲͍̥ ͉í̗̲͎t̝̗̝̤̬̮ ̛̞s͔̰͇̀ṯ͚̥̩̼͎o̶̯͍p͉̰̮̳̖  
͖̻̫̲̪  
̸̘̯̲ͅ    h̳̘͢o̷w̺  
̴̺͓̤̝̘  
̬̺̼̕h̹̦̞̫̀o̤͈̻͢w̪̠̣̹ ̧̯̦c͖͕͓͚͘ọ̭͖̤͉͢u̝̠̻̜̦̹l̠͈̳̺̦̮͟d̰̬̘ ̨y̳o҉̙̠̳̙u̶͖̬̰̺ ̦̤̫̻͇d͕͔̠͈̕o͈͡ ͞t̶̗͔̼͎͕̠h͓͉͎̗͠ͅi̱̖͖̘̼̩̥s͚ t̼͕̜̥̭̬̘o̟̣̖̝ ̧̮̖m͍̫̖̰̲͔̝e̛͉̤͔̱͖̘ͅ  
̫̹  
̥͍̦̤̀i̙̻̹̘͖̝̳  
̕  
̥̲̦̻̯̤w̠̫̹͉e̯̞̯͡  
͖̱̟  
҉̦͔͙̖        w͢e̩̤͇͍̯̳̜ ̢̮̩̯̘̺͎w̘͉̞e̹̦̩̳ͅr̴͓̼̣e͎ ̩̰͉̟̻͠s͔̤̰̺̭̗̟͢o͚̬̟̤̘̺  
̣  
̛̪̟͈̮͍i̵͔̮̝̖̲̠  
̙̲̮̥  
͓͕i̵̮ ̸̻̭̺̼͕̺ͅc̹͎̗a͜ṋ̮̫̭͔̞'̘̼̻̲̥͉̣͝t̫̺̞̞͇  
̘͈͈̜̦̕  
̳̣̠̖̻͓͍

 

        b̖̟̟̗ͅṵ̕͢͞t̸̫̞̤̣͍̮͖̪̞͜

̥̞̘̥̖̝͎͙

̶̵̣̱̻y҉̪̥̜̣̭̳͟o̢̨̰͉̮͖̖̙͉͖u̱̕͡

̧͇̮̭̟̪̫͞

̶͎͚̭ͅY̴̖̘̯̩̤̪ͅO̴̬̼U͏̶̯̻̯͔ ̡̳̟̳̱͖̬̫̺͡D͓̫̙̥͚̕I̶̖̖D̼̱͕̹̠͔̜͕̭ ̶̫͔̣̹̼̠̙͞T̸̳͈̜͈̲͔̟͇̰͞H̸̡̬͔̩͜I̙͓̩̥̣̣͜͡ͅS̴̺͇͍̗̲̟͖

̖̠͎̯̙̩̪̕ͅ

 ̵̳̤̺̺̕       H̴̠̜̙̗̤͜O̶̮̬͡W̧̢̜̪̠̰̥̤͝ ͎̭̩̠͘͠C͍̼̳͓̖̲O͖̩͎̰̳̤͉U̵͕̗̳̯L͏̰̬͟D̴̝̤̹̲̳̜͎̮̞͘ ̵̞͕̻̩̝̝͙Y̴̷̙̟̠͖͍̻͔̖͞O̷̻̬̲͞U̧̹̗͉ ͕͙̯͕͘͢A̛̤̤̲͓̳͘͢P̺̖͓̼R̖̰̞̙I͙͔̪̗̬̮L̷̦͓̮̱̺̦̫̕͡

̗̻̜̥̟͘

̻͕̰͖͎̞̖̕    I̡̡̲̜̠ ̶̱͔̲̹̰̞͔͇͙͞Ó͈̹̠̘̺̯͍͜͝N̶̺̠̲͍̗͖͓͔L҉̴̳̯̖͇̘̫Y̷̹͔̞͙̘͢ ͝҉̙̼̪̯̺̼̭W͙̦͖̯A̲̩͇͞N̨͉̪̟͔̬̹̕T͏̥̭̘̠ͅE̪̤͚̬̬͖̩D͔̰̮̥̞̱̀

̭̰̰̦̳̫͝

 ̲̗̹̱       T̶̳̠̕͠O̯̼̼͓̬͢͟

̨͔̥̠͓͕̱̜͎̦͢͜

 ͕͎̦̥̘͟͠                   H̢̞̤͖͉̩̗̣͎̲͜E҉̝̺̰͓̥̠Ļ̵̸̞ͅP̧͉̲̙̟̲͙̜

̧̧̝̣͚͔͍

                           Y̧͢҉̠͙͕̰̬O҉̱̗͎͍̥̰̺̣̭U̡̖̳̦͍͡ͅ

 

 ̛̮̤͎̮͈͝        

͏̦͖̺̱̫̝͔

     .̵̱̬͙́͟.͙̳͕̳̤͈̞̗.҉̶̶̺͖̹̩̙̯̗̣.̢̬̼̣́͢.̵̲̮͓͔̫̥̼̟͜.̧̧̧̠̱.̧̫́͢.̸̛̥̞̤.͔̫.̵̛̣͎̼͉̼̮ͅ.͏̴̰͕.̷̧͙̪̖̻̖̼̲͉̥

̪̩̯̳̞̫̹͟͡

̱͉̳̮̰͈̼̦

̶̹̼͕͙̜͓̀͝ ̞͘ ̲͉͚ ̨̝̫͙͖̹̼ ̷̱̭̣̲̪̀͢ ̸͖̼̘̗͚͕̭͈͖͠ ̵̦̜͙̪̮͕͔͕̠͘ ̱͔̮ ͖̞̲̹̣̜̲͖̹͡ ̫̝̹͚͈̖̰̖͠ͅ ̜̝͍̬ ̶͚͔̗͝ ̴̸͇̲̗̥̺͚͇̣̣ ͉̘̱ ̺̘̯͘ ̫͙̥̯̬̞͍ ̢̗̠͍͝ ̨͈̦̯̻̱͢ ͖̮̗͖̯̲͉͇ ͍͙͎͓͖̣̦ ̧̨̜̬̞̮͓ ̱̥̖͉ ҉̢̥̤̗̮͉͚̩͍ ̵̡̜̜͈͍͓̫̬͠ ̵̹̼̫̲̦͖̞ ̧̮͔̮̯͖̲̖̭ ̴̖̩̙͉͟ͅ ̱͘ ̝̭͔̲̜̼̼ ̣̦ ̶̧̘͚̜͓͍̤̰̹ ͏̟͍̳̲ ̞̟̼̕ ̩̺̳̗̺̫̟̺̖

̸͉̝͕̟̱̰́͟ ̵̗̱̰̹̯̝̫̤͙̕ ̀͏̹͍̦̕ ̠̗͕̗͙̭̲̕ ̶̧͚̯̬͖̺̼̗͔ ̬͇͙̦̼̰͔͚͢ ̷̧̫͍ ̡̛̮͟ ͕̗̩͠

̱̬̤̼̞͕̠

 ͕͇               ̵͓̺̘̼͙̻͉̮̜ ̴̙̘̘̤͢ ͙̝͘͠ͅ ͎͈͚̮͓̟̟ ̘̗̥̼̺͕͈ͅ ҉̬͕̻̠͙͔͖ͅ ̠̫̙̯͉̮̲͜ ̹͘ ̴͓͔͇̫́͟ ̵͍̹̝̕ ̧̙̖͇͓ ̕҉̰̟͇͚̙͞ ̵̳̲̲̬̝ ̥̫̠̙͇͚̻͞ ̹͝ ̡̧͓ ̡͈̹̦͕͉̹ ̷̳̬̮ ̠̭̜͕̬̟̟ ̵̫͚͝ ̵̨̼̫̰͝ ̴̡̟̭ ̫̲̮̠͙̤̞ ̵̨͚̘ ̥̫̺͙͞ ̵̨̪̲̳͓ ̴͕̱̣̭̪ ̡͈̻̞̱̖̘͈̕ ̨͍̩̟̜̝ ͟͏͕̘̞

̼͙̭̝           

̢̡͓̪͉̙̠̳͈ ͕̲̠̗͜ ͔̯̘͙̻ ̷̻͉̪ ̡̯͚̖͖͕̤ͅ ̴̨̧͓͍̳̫͈̣̠̙ ̴̪͖̼̮̪ ̞ ̣͜ ͚̘̯͠ ̤̬̤̪̞͞ ̫̘̬͈̤̘̦͎͠ͅ ̲͖̱͙̭̦̲ ̴̫͖̞͉̫̣̗̬͠ ̛̯̳̳͞ ̠ ̛̬̝͞ ̢̻̩͇ ̱͍͉ ̷͉̼͕̬̰̙͝ ̛̥̤͘ ̩̹͇̰̹ ̵҉̬̫̥̳ ̤͙͉͔̪̳̜̀͘ ̠̙̥̤̼͔͜͜ ̵̳̫̙̯͕̺͚ ̮͚̟̦͈̬̘ ̰̣̲̬͖̗̪ ̴̛̞̦̦̖̥͈̻̀ͅ ̼̹ ̹͇͈̖ ̮̗̩́͡ ̩̣͓ ̸̶̳̼̘̭͉͉͈̗͞ ̰̦͚̻ ̷͝͏͉̻̺̰ ̨̛͈̺͍͍̲ ̭̣͓͉̝̦̪ ̵͍͓̀ ̵̻͈͝ ̵̵͇̲̬̝̼͠ ̴̸̨̦̹̺ ̀͝͏̭̮͔̜ ̖̤͟ ̜̠̩̟̘̩̮̪ ͍̱̝̬͜͡ ̴̨̝͚̩̮̗ ̢̝̬͓̝͚͖͉͍̕ ̭͇̹̀ ̝̠͇̲̭͇ ͏̩̦͓̤͡ ̵͇̮͚̯̥̙ ̙͚̪̼̗̥̼͈͞ ̹̤͜ ̶̬̘͟ ҉̧̖̞̝͚͈ ̭̻͝͝ ͓̥̘͞ ̷̤͙͎̖̣̳̞ͅ ̧̩̹̰̺̞͎͓͚̀

 ̤͚                    ̢̨͕ ̴̷̭͕ ̧̢̦̖̮ͅ ͏̼̜͚͔̯̣ ̷̱̦̞̙̀ ̝̪̺̕̕ͅ

̸͈̻͖̰̼̠ ҉̼͇̩̻ ̨͇̝̖͔̘̫͓͈͠͡ ̱͈̫̺̺̜̩͈̥ ̨̮͓̯̘̠͕͠͠ ̷̲̞̪̘̗͙͢ͅ ̶͕̹̲̜̘̞ ̸̞͇͉ ̴̰͔̘͈̻̘̹͟ ̢̙̰̜ ̢̪̣̠̤͎̟̣ͅ ̲͎̤̘̝̲ ̧͔̠͘ ҉͙͉͓͔̤̼͚̖̩ ̶͕̣̼͖̱̹̩͇͟

̜̼͚̪̫̺̤̠͜

 ͈̠͕̱̳̭                  ̦͕̫͖͠͞ ̸̷̨̮̮ ̸͖̜͎͙̗͚̱̠͈ ̵̴̳͠ ͏̶̸͙̣̰̮͖ ̸҉̺̼̦͞ ̷͢҉͓̥̝̖͇̙̜ ̶͏̼̳̼̳̟ ̛͏̸̪̣͓ ̠̹̕͞ ̗ ҉̝̗͖͠ ̜͕ ̮͓̼͝ ̻̦̣̬̤ ͜҉̼̦̺͔͠ ̷̡͈ ̵͚ ͇̳̪ ͙͕̥͓̞̥͢͞

̴̡͎̘͔͉̖́

͎̲͚͙

i̷͍ ̤̯̟j͚̹͇̥̩̻͘u͚s̶̮̪̬̫t͙͡  
̱̜̲͙̮  
̼͓̦̱͟ͅ      w̝̘̳̙͚a͕̱̱n̸̠̜̗̥t͙̞ ̯̥͢t̴̙͓̺̼̮̭o ̧g̺͔̼̱ͅo͙̘̦̣͜ͅ ̬͠h̩̼͈̯̣̠͘o͎m͏͎e̞̦̥  
̣  
͎                            h͇͉͉e̵͔ḻ̜͇͕̀p̤̘̠͡ ͔͜me͈͓̟̕  
͏̪̯̩͉̺̼̦  
̧̰̹̹ṕ̠͓̦̗ͅl͎̳̤̝̟̜̘e͈̳ͅa͍̫͝s͠ͅͅe̳͚̫̳͟  
̻̼ͅ  
̸̘̦̯̮̙                                             i̧͔̭͙̥̘'̢͎̱̘͚͖ͅm͏͙̯̱̖̱̳͈ ̮̬̰̼̫͍̕s͈̫orr̜̯̦̹y̰̙͍̠̩̲  
̶͙̝̼̤͙  
̠͚͞s͍̫͡o̦̗̲ ̮̹̘̖̭̣̀s͉̳̭̳͍̩̣o̘̙̰̗̘̩̠r҉͙̥͍̳̯͔r̤̻̹̖͖̕ͅͅy̢  
̛̼̜̩͇̣͍̮  
̤̕       p̱̳̹̼̠̟l͘e̛͍͇̜̠̖̮a̛̟͖̲̳̫s̯̤͇͙̪̳ͅe̷̘̭̣̦͓̥  
  
̕                         p͏̥̝̩̟͍l̮e͎̹̻a̗̹̖̩̣̮͉͠s̞͘ẹ̩͍̗̬̟ͅ ̝̭͓͙i͕̗̤̫̰̥̬͢'͇͚m̪ s̩̗̝͍̻͞o̺̙̲̫ŗ͙̺̮r̮̪̥͈͙̞͡y͖͔̯  
̻̯  
̸̯̲̟̖̠̥͕            i͈͈̗ ͟c̡̻͕a̸͇͉͎͕n͏̳̗'̝̖͕̳t̻̱͈̰̭̩̖  
̻͕  
̞̺͎͞                                   i̩͜ ca҉̦n̼͔̜͈'̡̭͔̤̘̮̰t̙͔͎̖̼̙ ̝̼̫͜c͖̤̜o̸͕n̟t̹͖̯̠̣̫͙͡ŗ̦o͕̱̗͞l̴͈̦̯̯  
͓̖̫̰  
͍̦̖̗mẹ̰̳  
͍̱͎̱̘  
̹͉͞i̛̖̯'̧m̷̟̣̬̖  
͏̟  
͓̱̗̯͍̞ḇ́r͞e̠͉͖͟a̢͕ḱ̖͔̩̺̤i̩̕n̼̘g̗̯͙  
̤̘̖͍̺̀ͅͅ  
̥y͔̤̳̜̦̜͙o̜̺̟u̩̥̟̩̼̥  
̡̳̜̪  
̦͖͖̯͓̟̕         a̙̣͈͖̬͎͉g̛̤̗̩̠ͅa̗͇i̢͓̩̳̖̬̬n̵̲͉̩̠̦ ̣͉y̳̘̺̪̭̭o̟u͎͜  
  
                                                i҉t̫̥̪ ̫͎̳h҉ur̴͍͎̫̲̺t̲͇s̬̲͟  
͉͉̠͔̱̘͜  
̶͙̭͕i̖̦̹̰̜'͏̩̙̥̩̻͙̥m̰̖ͅ ̨͉̦̦s̟͍̳̦͈͔̭ǫr̻̲̜͉͉͓r̴̹̝͓͉y̭̥̥̼͙̯  
͓̙̣̩͉͜  
̨̙̙̳̝̹̫͇                 i̗̥̖͓̞'̛̻̜͍͚̩̤m͓̞̥͓͙ ̩̘s̯̤̺͍͠o̯̟̲̦̳̬̪r̤̺̥͕̬̠͚r̬͈͓͞y̜̰̫ͅ  
̲̭̤͉̠̼́  
̘̞͍͎̪͇͜i̜͈'̥̹͝m̢̥͎͖̞̝̬ ̹s͏̪̫o̸͈͎̳̳rͅr͙͎̼̕y̶͇̭͚̝̘̦

                   í̴̡͇'̗͇̙̳̞͡m͈̞͈͕̠̝ ̶͖̱͓̼̖͍̹̰͟s̬̗̱̻̜o͏̢̳͙͚̩̣̣̦̥̀r͓͠r͏̨̬̖͈̬͜y̸͍̤̤͍  
̜̙̜̯͎͈  
̳̥͖͈̦͙͜      i̸̹͕͜'̗̤̪̹̤̠̻̥͞ͅm̸͉̱̻̗̳̪̙͝ ̜̰̭̖̺͕̘͢ͅs̴̘̘̟̯̦̹o̸̷͉͕̥͇̜̲͡ͅr͏̨̹̥̘̹r̺̞̝̗̥̯̩͓̼͞y̱̙̣̱͜  
͖͓̹ͅ  
̰͖̪͚̭̰͎́͞͝i̸̙͚̫̫̳̺̤̹̘͞'̸̡̻̩̣̱̗̻ͅm̘͝ͅ ̴̖̬ͅș̵̛͈̰o͉͔͈̹͍̱r̦̭̮̠͡r̭̜̳y҉̤̺̦͕͓͢  
͏̨͇̥̬͔̪̩  
̨̦͍̭̪̠͚     i͎͖̣̣̪̼͍'̸̩͡m͈̳̖̼͚̥̺͖ ̮͓̹̳̯̀͠s͖̪̱̞̟͍͖͟͡ͅo̺͠r̭̰̤̕̕ŕ̲̲̜́͟ͅy̡̖͚͓

  i̛̗̦̦̗̩͔̺͍͍̤͢'̴̧̢̙̟̭̥͖̹͟͢m̸̷̡̳̺͚͎͢ ̧̩̥̬̯̰̭͙̫̗̗̭̺̺͠s̢҉̶͙̘̮̘͓̟͔͚̰o̷̶̢̬̺̹̩̳͖͟r̛̭̦̪̗̲̖͜r̶̨̨̦̝̗̬͘͜y̛̛̙̩̭͇̣̮̩̬͟͞  
̷̩̘̲͔̫͕̙͔̖͈̰̩̞̗̟̕͢͠ͅͅͅ  
̝̳̱̖͜i͙͍͕̦͠'̷̠̼̗̤̙̘͇̟̫͎̦͢ͅm҉̛͎̹̮͚̦̮̖͡͞ ̴҉͙̹̣̩̝̦͈̫̞̺̺̫̦ͅs̹̙͓͖̳̰͓̮͙̖̞̬̀o͏̷̞̼͓͖̠̦͢͞r͏̷̗͉̰͔̻̤̬r̷̢͚̟̳̖̗̙͖̝͕̲͉̥̱͎͕̭ͅý͏̧̖͉͚̫̮̼͔̘͙͎̗̣̩͟  
̴͈͎̞̜̀  
҉̪̘͚̬͘͜ì̶̸͓͙̯̩̥͚͎̤̘̯͎͉̠̹͍͍̕'̷̰̰͓̲̞̙̲̙̮̪͡m̶̴̯͕̝̤̩͈͎̝̙̠͠ ̡̛̙̬̳̮͜͢s̵̵̜͇͉̮͠ơ̴̕͟҉̭̜̲̳̦̹̬̞̦͚̫̯̺̳r͜͞͏͉̜̘̠̺͈͓̼̪̫r͏͚͉̟̗̗̣͙̹̦͕y̹̙̭̱͖̣͓̙͖͈̘̩͓̱̰͘̕͘͠  
̶̢̢͇͕̩̳̜͇̙̝̱͉͞  
̻̹̪͈̺̬̘̥̠̼̳̳̟̜̦̹͘i̸̵̪͕̹͔͉̰̦͖̺͕̩̣͈̤͡ͅͅ'͞͏̧͉͈̺͕̘̹̩͓̠̝̥̭̭̼̲̖͚m̨̩̗̲̰̤̥̟̠̫̻̟ ̛̰͉͓̗̰̭͖͚͖̺̪͖̬͉̥̥͔̠̕͟s͏̣͇̹̘͔̬͓̗̣̼̫̤̮͕̦́ͅơ̷̴̭͇͓͙̲̯̲͙͓̣̮̼̮͍̜̰̣̞͎r̡̦̥̹͖̘͍̞͎͇̭͜͟ͅͅͅr҉̷̝̞̭̺͎̞͈̟̙̰̦̪̙́͝͝ͅͅy͏̛͙̱͓̣͎̥̳͕̱̱

 

i̓̎̓̎̍ͥͭͩͩ̄̈̀ͯͥ̔̓͏͉͖͓̻̙̗̙̺̲̝͔̫̲͡'͋̑́͆͐ͪ̒ͥ̈́ͥ̒ͭ͗̾̐͟͢҉͕̹̺͍͔̤͙͚̼̗͍͖͓͇̭̠̼ͅm͈͇͎̭͍̞̻̙̦̘̱̟͔̋̐̓ͤ̆̐ͩ́́̾̃̂̐͟͡ ̴̶̨̙̞̦̰͉̮͚͉̜̭̗̞̻͚̰͖ͪ̿͗̽̈̂ͣ̀s̢͇͇͇̫̺̩̯̳̘̪̰̝͔̻̱ͫ̊ͧ̽ͦͪͨ̑̾̒̀͡o̶̥̹̞͔̩̹̰̘̟̜̯͖̰̎̆ͫͤ͜r̡ͫͦͫͪ̄͋̈́̆ͦ̈́̇ͪ͆̉̀̚͘͏̸̡̣̻͍̰̟̬̬̤͍̮̣̜ͅr͊̅ͯ̑̾ͮͩ͏̢̤̞̯̝̺͕̝̹̻̣̖͇y̷̢̛̪̱̳̖͕͇͚͉̦̣̿͆͛̈͛ͮ͐̓͋́́̚

̸̵̛̣͈̱͇̲̅̓̍̎ͬͤ̎̑ͨ̒̐ͨ͊̋ͫ̕

̨̛͔̤̮̭̭̙͙̙̻͓͔̱̝͖̼͈̰͕́̍ͬͧ̇̕͟i̴͕̻̪ͧͣ͊̓ͫͩ̾̉ͤ̅̎ͬ̕͟'̧̪̠͈̘̦̯̺͓͎̳̮͚̼̋̇͗̌ͦͯͨͥ̄ḿ̢͖̺̥͇̱͉̗̼͕̼̮̯̝̣̮̪̳̀̂͋ͨ͊͗ͭ͟͜ͅ ̷̵̛̼̫͚͎͑ͣ͗̿̐̋̽͟͠s̨̨͎̝̣̟͇ͥ̈́ͭ̈́̈́ͧ́̈ͦ̓̀͊̆̚̚̕oͬ̇ͣ̾̑̅͞҉̩̪̲̠͔̗̰̣̘̦̩̳͈͉͈͠ͅr̡̩̪̳̘̮̜̹̦̻̤̠͙͉͗̂̔̌̆̂ͯ̔ͥ̒͒͊ͥ͘͟͜͞r̸̛̯͙͉͖̱͕̩̫͊ͬ̎̉͊͂̀ͅͅy̷̶̛̘͔̻̙͔̞ͬ́ͬ̒̈́̎̐͗̅̽̎͛͊̍̒ͥ̿̄ͧ́̕ͅ

̧̖͉̻̖͉̬̳̭͖̳̋̒ͪ̋̇̐̓̿̀́͞

͕̥̰̮̜͈̝͇̖̃̑ͩͨͭ̇̅̕͞ͅͅi̴̢̬͓͖̳͇̲͎̟̯̥̼̖̪̺̼ͮ̒̒͌ͯ̒ͮ̓̓̅̑́̓ͧͦ͌ͨ̚̚͞ͅͅͅ'̶̨̪͈͎̺̝ͤ̅̌̃̈́̎͐̏ͭͧ̉͂ͪ̀m̵̨̦̥͔̯̲͈̜̮̪̤̦̜̙̦͛ͭͣ͊ͥ̓̾ͦ͋͂ͥͣͫ̅́̀ ̸̴̷̰̮̖̜̪ͪ̑ͬ̄ͥ͂ͤͩ̌ͥͤ̌ͩͫ̾̓ͣͩ̚s̶͇͎͇̼̱͎̩̙͛́̇ͦ̈́͂̑̾ͤ̏̄ͥ̔ͧͩ̃ͮ̐̚͜o̸̶̸ͣ̆͋͊͌ͫͣ̿̽ͥ̎̅̾́͏͍̦̥͕͉͉̮͖̰͍̫͙̜̪̲͓͎ͅr̴̵͇̻͎̟̥̳̼͍̍̑ͥͬ̀ͮͣ̾̈̀͡͠r͒͂͛ͦͭ̓̔̉͌̈́͛͊̚҉͖̖̘͙̥͕͕̪̯̩̗̦̠̰̣͜y̵̳͕̝͎̦͕̹̩̣̱̞ͯ̆̃ͭ̉͛̓ͤ̊̀ͦ̅͑̅̄ͣ́̓́͞͝

̴̔͐ͩ͑̆̌ͮ҉̕͢͏͎̝̪̰̗̣̠̖͇͙ͅ

̴̓̈́̓̈́̿̐̓ͫͦ̓͂̍ͬ͌͛̈́̂̌͏̨̮͓͓̱͇̖͍̙̠̩͕͡ͅi̸̧͖̖͇͉͎͔̲̩̟͚͇̪͍͚̍̿ͩ͋́̍̐̓͛͛̎ͤ͑̔̽͢͡'̷͍̝̰͓͈͙̙̩̜͚̱͙͙͗̊̐͒͋̀m̸̨̛̲̝̫͚̣̮͔͉̲̟͇͙̳̼̞͚̤͍̏̋ͣ̌ͪ̂̊̋ͪ͢͡ͅ ̴̡ͧ̆̆͌̌̂͌̃̈̉ͥ͏͏̼̼̜̳̥̲̣͇̹̫̳̤͍̮̺s̠̻̭̘͚͔̲̩̦̰͓͖͖͖̼̼̆͆ͭ̑̅ͫ̔̋͋ͧ͂̈̇̐ͪ̒̄̓͡o̸̢̯̘̝̞̦̣̯ͨ͐͑͋ͥͦ̿͋̒ͥ͂̊̊ͦͩ́̚͟ṛ̶̟͉̪̳̟̜̲͔̗͖̣̻̞͎̘̥͕͋̔ͫ̔ͧ̎ͭ͗ͮ̈́̿͐̿͌ͬͬ͢͠ͅrͦ̆ͭ̀ͣ̈́̇͊͑ͪ̍̉ͬͬ͟͏̙͈̜̞̲̤͈͉̣̱͖̭͚͓̦͚͢ỵ̶͉̬̣̮̜͔͉̭̲̐ͧ̎͑͐ͪ͌͌̃ͨ͛ͧ͂̒͗ͭ͢͡͞͡

        .̗̘͉͓̦̓͛ͥ̈ͅ

͇͍̩͚̖̞͌ͧ̃͝

̨ͭ          .̛̹̇͂͌͒

   ̱͇̰̏͋̊ͮ̃̊ͪ

̢͚̟̻̹̞̌ͬ̍̐͐   .͔͇̭͚̼͇̖̓ͤ

 

̭̭̞ͧ͐ͩͮ́ͤ͘  .̩̦̮͕̰̃͒́ͣ

̮͋ͮ̄̓̋

̡̬̤͇ͩ .̡̗͔̪̥̓ͅ

̟̮̫͊̅ͬ̊̈́

̟ͨͫ͗̔̆̀̿͘.͉̝̫͝


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *SLAM DUNKS THIS ONTO THE INTERNET*
> 
> YEAH HOW ABOUT THAT WRITER'S BLOCK, FOLKS? AIN'T IT JUST A DOOZY!!

 

 

Raph curled his hands around the mug Leo had given him, the warmth of the ceramic seeping into his scales.

It didn’t do anything to ease the ice in his chest.

He made no move to drink the tea, instead focusing on not winding himself up again.

Getting angry wouldn’t help them. Blowing up wouldn’t help them. Doing anything at all to relieve the pent up emotions he had wouldn’t help them.

But.

She was right there, _right there_.

And he couldn’t do anything about it.

What exactly he’d do about it, he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he wanted her gone.

They needed her though, even more obviously now.

Raph slid his eyes from his steaming cup, to the hunched figure sat as far opposite of him as she’d been able to manage.

April wasn’t looking up, and all Raph could see was the top of her head.

She looked a lot different without her hair. He wasn’t sure what to make of that.

Raph’s eyes drifted over to Leo, who’d finally finished handing out tea and sat down. Everyone was seated again, even if they’d all spread out from one another.

Raph saw that his father was holding a heat-bag to his hand still, the small microwavable beanbag being used to warm up his chilled limb. It was the one that had touched Donnie.

Raph hadn’t been able to even _move_ when Donnie had appeared, and before he’d been able to shake off the shock, his brother had started _screaming_ , and-

It got fuzzy from there. Painful, too.

“So… what now?” Leo asked, breaking the tense silence they’d all fallen into. “Any ideas? Sensei?”

“I… I do not know,” Splinter said in a hushed voice, eyes on his cradled hand. “We have done our part.”

 _‘Now its April’s turn’_ was left unsaid, but heard anyways.

Raph tightened his grip around his mug.

He didn’t want to rely on April. Not after what she’d done.

According to his elder brother and father though… she might be the one chance they had of fixing things.

Raph turned his eyes onto April, who was finally looking up again. She looked pale and washed out, and what little was left of her bangs hung limp. Over all, with her thick hoodie and visible weight loss, she looked like a wreck. The redness of her eyes only enforced the image.

“We just gonna brush what happened under the rug?”

Raph blinked, and glanced away from April. Casey. He’d almost forgotten his friend was there, honestly. So much had just happened, and Casey had been unusually quiet...

Casey was scowling, and he set his now empty mug onto the floor, hunching over his knees and looking at them all. “That was some freaky stuff right there, you can’t tell me we ain’t gonna talk about it. What the hell even was that? It was totally out of character for Dee to pull somethin’ like that. He do that to any of you guys?”

Raph shook his head, noting that Leo, Mikey, and April did as well. “He just stood there when he visited me.”

“Same here,” Leo agreed, and an echo of the same from Mikey.

“He… he did speak with me, when I met him,” Splinter said, glancing up from his hand. “But the screaming… no, this was very different from my experience.”

“So we got one outlier here, and not a lot of reason why,” Raph summarized.

“It seems so,” Splinter said, nodding his head.

What was different about it? Easy. They were all together. Question was _why_ that affected things.

“Any ideas, everyone?” Leo asked again, glancing around at them all. “I’m sort of stumped here why this time was different. I mean, I know it’s different because we’re all in one place this time, but _why_ is it different?”

“We overwhelmed him,” April said quietly.

Those three words sent another rush of silence through them all, and Raph stared at April, along with everyone else gathered.

“We…” April’s eyes went distant, and she gripped her mug tighter. “Our combined presence messed up his control. That wasn’t really Donnie. Or it was, but also not?”

Something felt like it was stuck in Raph’s throat. He wasn’t sure what to say to that.

_It wasn’t actually Donnie?_

Splinter leaned forwards, turning his head towards April’s corner. “April, what do you mean by that?”

April blinked, and came back to the present. “Um… it’s a bit hard to explain. He’s… he’s scattered right now, and not quite all there. What we just met was… well… it was just pieces of him. Held together by his willpower. At the moment… he’s not much more than emotions and memories. Mostly emotions. Fear, anger, grief…”

April blinked again, and scrubbed at her eyes. She continued, “He uses his connection to us to strengthen those, so he can… think properly again? I think?” She shook her head, muttering, “To be himself. Be _more_ of himself.”

“April? You’re not making any sense,” Leo said slowly, cautious of April’s scattered words.

April grimaced, and shook her head again. “I’m sorry. It’s a huge jumble right now. Basically, um… he- he used us to anchor himself here, and we overwhelmed him. Unbalanced him. He couldn’t keep everything under control, and we… _I_ pushed him over the edge. And he lost it.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Raph said, frowning hard. The way April seemed so out of it, it was making him nervous. The last time she’d been out of it, head swimming with power…

It hadn’t gone well.

“How do you know all that?” Leo asked in a strained voice. “All he did was… all he did was _scream_. I didn’t hear anything even close to words.”

“I… I heard him. In my head. It was like…” April’s eyes went distant again, and a hand drifted up to her temple. She looked pained. “It was like he was saying everything he wanted to say, all at once. It was… it hurt. It hurt a lot. I couldn’t- I couldn’t _think_ anymore, there was so much. It wasn’t even just _thought_ , there were emotions and memories and just- _everything_. He tried to tell me everything and I couldn’t-” April bit off, hand shaking as she lowered it. “…I couldn’t take it. I had to make him stop. So I… I made him leave. Again.

“I’m sorry,” She whispered, lowering her head again. “I couldn’t handle it. I tried, but it… I just couldn’t. I’m so, so sorry.”

“I heard him too.”

Raph flicked his eyes over to Mikey, who’d spoken up for the first time. Mikey was curled on himself, knees to his chest. His mask was off, and Raph could see the dark circles that’d grown around his eyes the past weeks.

“I heard him too,” Mikey repeated, now that everyone was looking at him. “In my head. Sorta.”

Raph stared at his brother. He didn’t check, but he felt like everyone else was as well.

“…what did he say?” Raph asked, since no one else would speak.

“He’s… he’s in a lot of pain. That’s basically all I got,” Mikey replied, shrugging. “He didn’t give me anything else. April, he tell you anything about that? The pain?”

The way Mikey was looking at April… Raph hadn’t seen his brother look at someone like that before. It seemed still carefully masked, but… pointed. Sharp. He wasn’t saying it, but Raph could imagine the meaning behind Mikey’s choice of words.

_The pain you caused him._

“Yes. Yes he did,” April replied softly, guilt in her voice. “It’s still happening to him right now. What Za-naron and- and I did. Basically… it’s pulling him apart still. I thought it’d k-killed him, but Donnie… Donnie said it just separated him. He’s not alive anymore, but he still is? I’m sorry. It’s… it’s a mess. I lost a huge chunk of the information when I forced him out.”

“How did he do that anyways?” Casey asked. He glanced between April and Mikey. “The- the connecting thingy? You’re a psychic and shit, April, but Mikey ain’t. Right?”

Mikey shrugged. “Dunno. Just happened without me sayin’ so.”

“It’s not because of Mikey specifically, it’s more… Donnie was the one reaching out, and Mikey was just compatible enough for it?” April explained, seeming a bit confused herself. “I heard everything, mostly, and Mikey only got the most powerful bit. It probably has to do with how Donnie’s keeping himself intact.”

“You mentioned he was anchoring himself here, through us,” Splinter said, and Raph heard a hint of life coming back into his voice. “How so is he doing this, and perhaps it relates to Michelangelo’s ‘hearing’ of him?”

April pursed her lips, and her shoulders slumped a bit. “He’s using us. Mostly his brothers. It’s like… since he’s close to nothing but emotions right now, he’s using ours to hold himself on this plane of existence. Memories too. It’s… it’s a little vampiric, honestly, but without anything being drained from the boys. It actually drains Donnie, instead.”

Well that wasn’t unsettling as fuck or anything.

“That’s part of why he overloaded, actually,” April continued. “Too much emotion, not enough power to stabilize it. He was more himself than he’d had each of individually to connect with, but he… just didn’t have enough energy to process everything. Not enough ambient energy versus too much ambient emotion.”

That was even more unsettling. Great. Raph rubbed his temples, and then stopped because April was too. “Can we please back track to the whole ‘Mikey is compatible’ thing? Little more explanation would be nice. Mikey?”

“Man, I don’t know,” Mikey said, scratching the back of his head. “I mean- I just listened to him? Was listening to him? Something like that.”

Force of habit, or maybe just grasping for something _normal_ in all this crazy, made Raph blurt- “You never listen to anyone, though.” -without much thought.

Immediately, he regretted it.

Mikey’s face closed off, and his confused frown slid into something harsher. “I listen when people actually _tell me stuff.”_

His pointed look at their father and older brother wasn’t missed, and Raph saw Leo wince.

“Mikey, we’re sorry, but…” Leo’s expression wavered between apology and something like his leader face, the one that gave orders and didn’t have time for dissension. “We weren’t sure if you two would listen long enough for us to explain, or even understand what we were aiming for. We didn’t know how you’d react.”

Raph bristled, hands gripping into fists, but before he could snap something hurt and angry-

-Mikey beat him to it.

“That doesn’t- that doesn’t mean you just cut us out of the loop!” Mikey exclaimed. Uncharacteristic anger slipped into his expression, even more obvious with Mikey’s bare face. “We have just as much right to know what you’re planning to do, this is our home too!”

“We didn’t have much time, and- and I wasn’t even sure how to explain it to you-”

“You could’ve at least tried!”

“You never listen anyways-”

“I listen! I’m always listening! You just never explain things how _I_ can understand them-”

“We didn’t have _time._ Donnie could have reappeared before we figured out how to tell you-”

“That is _enough_ ,” Splinter interjected. “What’s done is done, and we will learn from our mistakes.”

Mikey looked rapidly between their father and brother, rising indignation and hurt clear in his eyes. “You- you’re just going to move on? No! No!! That’s not- that’s not fair!”

“We need to move forwards with the conversation, my son-”

“You didn’t even say sorry properly!”

“Mikey, seriously, I know you’re upset but I already told you-”

_“Donnie would’ve at least tried!”_

Mikey’s furious words sent a shock of silence through everyone, and even Raph’s own anger was quieted.

Mikey stared at them all, more pointedly at their family’s leaders. He blinked rapidly, and his expression twisted further into a glare. “He would’ve at least _tried_ to tell us what was going on! Even if I didn’t get it half the time, at least he actually _tried._ You guys didn’t even bother!”

A long beat of silence, stifling with tension.

Eventually, a soft _“Dude…”_ from Casey broke the spell of quiet, and Mikey’s glare slipped away.

“I’m sorry,” He said, voice tight. “I’m sorry, but you just- you guys always do this, and I’m tired of it and- it’s not fair. He’s my brother too, okay? Don’t just… cut me out like that.”

Mikey’s gaze dropped from them all, and he lowered his head onto his knees.

Raph’s stun wore off, and he felt awful. How long had Mikey been bottling that up? All that frustration and anger? Shit. And Raph hadn’t even noticed.

None of them checked up on one another anymore. Not since…

They weren’t right without Donnie. Everything fell out of whack without him around. Including their ability to give a shit about each other’s emotional stability, it seemed.

Shit.

“Michelangelo… I am sorry,” Splinter said remorsefully. Mikey’s shoulders hunched a bit more around his knees in response, and Splinter let out a quiet sigh. “We did not mean to hurt you, or Raphael. It was a grave error in our judgement.”

Story of their lives it looked like. Errors in judgement everywhere. Raph started this particular mess, he wasn’t excluded from that.

Mikey didn’t answer Splinter, other than a shrug of his shoulders.

Raph took a turn, since his comment had started the whole fight. “Mike, I’m sorry for what I said. I was just… I don’t know, kidding around. It was a reflex. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”

Mikey lifted his head enough to glance at Raph, and then looked away again. Well, guess that was as close to an acceptance of apology they were going to get right now.

Leo was the one who started moving them past the awkward post-fight tension. “Let’s go around and compare experiences, maybe we can figure out why Mikey’s connection has been so much stronger?”

Solid enough plan. Not exactly productive, but it was something. They were flying mostly aimless right now anyways.

It was the same general experience, all around their loose circle. Everyone had felt like someone was watching them, or following them or something like that, and then came the fear and the choking presence and the overall feeling of terror…

Leo and Casey both confessed that their experiences had been more than a little scary. Kind of dangerous feeling too. Raph could relate, what with the exploding video consoles all around him during his turn.

The evidence in the dojo spoke for itself how Splinter’s visit had gone, and April explained that she’d ended up collapsing during hers, even just for a moment.

Other than Donnie speaking to April and Splinter, sort of at least, the experiences all matched up on multiple levels. Donnie appearing, acting like a typical horror movie character, and then vanishing again. All of them were like that, except-

“I didn’t feel any of that,” Mikey said, when they’d gone full circle and come back to him. He seemed mostly recovered from… whatever you’d call their fight. He was mostly back to his usual self, or maybe was just good enough to pretend he was. “Like, this last one? Sure, but that’s ‘cause we were all together, right? First time it was just… him standing there. Didn’t even look at me. I dunno what you all did, but I barely even got the heebie-jeebies from my visit.”

Leo furrowed his brow, tapping one finger on his knee pad while he thought. “Maybe that’s because he just wasn’t strong enough yet? That was a while ago, and he’s gotten a lot more powerful since then. That still doesn’t explain why Mikey could hear him though-”

“Wait,” April interrupted, holding up her hand at Leo. “Wait, let me hear Mikey describe his experience again. Mikey, if you wouldn’t mind..?”

“Uh, sure? It was just me in the lab, and I was starting to clean up some stuff, when I thought I felt somethin’ off and turned around to check it out, and then Donnie was suddenly there and I ran right towards him-”

“You didn’t hesitate? At all?” April questioned, interrupting again.

Mikey blinked. “No? I mean, it was a big shock, but I didn’t think much on it. Just kind of went with it, ‘cause you know… don’t look a gift horse in the mouth or something.”

April closed her eyes, and her lips formed a thin line. “Of course. _Of course._ I know why Mikey has such a strong connection to Donnie, and why Donnie’s first appearance was so different from all the others.”

Raph crossed his arms. He wasn’t seeing the point here. “Mind tellin’ _us_ why that is?”

“He wasn’t afraid,” April said, opening her eyes again. She seemed more like her old self, more alive again, but also… deeply sad. “Mikey wasn’t afraid. That’s the difference- I can’t believe we missed that, _he wasn’t afraid._ ”

“Uh, why does that matter?” Casey spoke up.

“Because- Mikey didn’t create a feedback loop. Donnie was too weak to stick around, but he also didn’t get scattered or- or mixed up because of extra emotion or anything and-” April cut herself off, and laughed shakily. “We’ve been the ones doing it, making every visit so scary. Not Donnie. He uses _our emotions_ to anchor himself, not his own, and if we’re giving him nothing but fear to feed on- what do you think is going to happen? It’ll just drag all of _his_ fear to surface, and create on big feedback loop of sheer _terror_. He’s been acting the way he has because of _us.”_

Raph’s throat felt tight as he digested that information.

When Donnie had appeared, or started to try and appear, what had been Raph’s first reaction? Fear. Suspicion. Eventually it’d been desperation to get to his brother, but not before Raph had felt real and full terror run through him.

Shit. _Shit._ They’d just been building things up for one another too. Every time someone had a visit from Donnie, they’d expected the worst and _gotten the worst._ By the time they’d all collected together, with emotions and tempers running high- Raph definitely not an exception- they’d all been complete snarls of fear and anxiety.

Raph slowly grasped his knees, as the full gravity of what they’d been putting Donnie through settled in him. The way Donnie had been acting, the reactions and near attacks and bipolar moods- shit, the only reason he’d been doing that was- “He was only acting like a monster because that’s how we _saw him._ ”

April nodded grimly, another humorless laugh coming from her. “We’re the ones that did that to him. Not Donnie. He was just trying to reach out to us, and I- we screwed even that up for him. God.”

“Shit,” Casey muttered, seeming just as thrown as Raph felt. “ _Shit._ So ‘cause we all freaked out, ‘cept for Mikey, _Don_ freaked out?”

April nodded again, and Casey slumped back against the couch. Raph’s friend put a hand on his forehead, pushing his bangs from his face as he muttered, again, _“Shit.”_

Raph could agree with that statement.

Leo had put his head in his hands, and was pressing the heels of his palms onto his eyes. Their father had also lowered his head, ears laid flat and stressed.

“My son, oh my son…” Splinter said softly. “What have we done to you?”

Tense quiet followed Splinter’s words, everyone still reeling from what they’d just figured out.

After everything- after all the stupid, horrible shit Donnie had been through- they’d gone and done this to him too. Raph didn’t even know where to begin, other than to reprimand himself for ever doubting his brother.

God. If- _when_ they got Donnie back, Raph wasn’t even sure how he could apologize for this.

Splinter raised his head again after a long pause, and he looked straight at Mikey. “Michelangelo, tell me, were you truly so unafraid of your brother’s appearance?”

“Well, duh,” Mikey said, giving them all a look. “I mean… he’s just Donnie, so why would I be?”

Hearing it said so plainly, and without even a hint of hesitation, really drove home how stupid they’d all been.

Raph felt like an idiot, _and_ like a huge jerk. To both of his younger brothers.

Mikey noticed how Raph and their family were staring, and he squirmed under the five gazes set on him. “Jeeze guys, why the looks? I know it’s stupid, but come on-”

“No,” Raph said, cutting him off before Mikey could finish that sentence. “No it’s not. It’s not even a little stupid. It’s what we all should have done, but we didn’t.”

“Raphael is right,” Splinter said, bringing the attention over to him. He looked at both Raph and Mikey evenly. “We all should never have doubted your brother, no matter what form he had taken. In this, I failed, and I know that many of you have as well. We have done a great disservice to Donatello, and I pray we have chance to rectify it.”

Mikey blinked at the sudden praise, and didn’t seem to know what to do with it. “Uh. Yeah. Me too.”

Splinter nodded once at Mikey, and then turned to the person who held the key to everything. “April? We have found the source of the connection, what is the next step?”

Raph’s hands went into fists again without his conscious choice, and he turned to look at April too. Much as he didn’t like it, and didn’t trust her, April still held all the cards. That meant he had to listen, and restrain his resurging anger at her.

For Donnie. For the chance to get him back.

Raph would do anything, same as he knew his brothers would. Even if that meant listening to the person who’d killed their missing sibling.

April sat up straighter, and Raph saw her regain a bit more of her old self. Her eyes were still dark, though. Still grim. “I didn’t get all of Donnie’s instructions, since he ripped most of them back out with him. But, I did get an idea from everything we’ve talked about. He’ll be back soon, I know he will, and he’ll be collected enough again to speak. We just have to keep him balanced this time. We’re going to need all of us, and a lot lights…”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly so sorry it took this long to update. I got stuck for weeks and I couldn't get unstuck no matter how I tried.  
> I'll do my best to finish this in a timely fashion, since I'm past the harder parts now. ; v ;


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> long, late, and i apologize.

 

 

There ended up being a lot of sleepless hours between planning their next move, and actually executing it. Leo didn’t think he got more than a handful over the course of the day.

For most of it, he’d stared at his ceiling. Thinking and wondering if April’s plan was going to work or not. In the privacy of his thoughts and the darkness, Leo had allowed his anxiety to roil in his thoughts. After all, he wouldn’t be able to let that happen whenever night rolled around. If he did…

Well. They’d seen what happened when they let their emotions and thoughts run unchecked. Leo didn’t want to put Donnie through that again, further changing him from the brother he’d known.

In the very, very private space of his thoughts, Leo admitted he was almost scared of his brother. Before and now. How far he’d changed from his original self, hollow eyed and like something from a horror movie...

Leo wasn’t sure how he was going to fully control his instinctive reactions, even though he knew that Donnie wasn’t aiming to hurt them. The reflexive fear was just so powerful, Leo didn’t know how Mikey had, and was, doing it.

He’d figure it out though. Staring up at the familiar stone ceiling of his room, Leo swore to himself he’d control his emotions and thoughts. Donnie’s life depended on him doing that, on _all_ of them doing that.

Even though, after their family meeting, they’d all been extremely busy collecting the required supplies late into the night, Leo felt restless all through the day and only managed a light sleep.

He ended up rising before evening anyways, despite his best efforts to get enough rest. Too much in his head to actually do that, and too much anxiety over their plan.

Instead of continuing his fruitless attempts to sleep, he chose to nitpick their set up in the lair.

After they’d left the meeting, they’d split into two teams. Splinter and Mikey stayed in the lair to haul out every mobile light fixture they had, and keep watch in case Donnie returned home again. April had said it was unlikely, but there was an unspoken vow to take no chances.

Raph had gone with Casey, and… Leo had been paired with April, for scavenging. They needed as many lamps as they could feasibly get to work, and Leo had kept a steely grip on his emotions for the sake of getting the job done. Even as being so close to April had worn him thin, mentally and emotionally.

Her hair was so much shorter than it’d used to be, but Leo still saw how she’d been on that night. Red hair flying free, swirling with each burst of destructive power. Her blue eyes were weary and dark now, but Leo could easily imagine how unearthly light had glowed from them.

He hadn’t talked with her much. Mostly, they’d driven the Party Wagon in silence, and continued the silence as they loaded the van with every lamp stand that seemed like it would work.

Once or twice, Leo had been tempted to ask how she’d been, but the question died every time he looked at her. April had shrunk, for better lack of words. The confidence she’d gained over the years having vanished into bone deep weariness, and then turned into grief.

Leo knew April was sorry. She’d said so, and had cried over what she’d done. It didn’t change how his stomach turned being close to her, or how he couldn’t stop seeing a murderer in the place of his friend.

He’d kept things polite, though. Out of respect for the relationship they’d had before this, and for the efforts April was making to right her wrong.

Now, Leo moved through his home in the early evening. Footsteps as quiet as the home itself. After they’d all regrouped, Leo and the rest of his family had put their restless energy into setting up the first half of their plan.

Lamps of all sizes and shapes now dotted the main room, most of their sockets empty and shades discarded. It’d been a chore to gather so many working ones from garbage bins, but they’d done it. Casey and April had the jobs of getting the lightbulbs they’d need, and come evening they were supposed to return with the fragile glass. Then they all would wait. For Donnie.

Leo sighed under his breath, moving a slightly bent, tall lamp a step to the left. It would’ve been fine where it was, but he needed to do _something_ to pass the time. Maybe he’d just move all the lamps a step to the left. There were enough it’d take him at least a few minutes.

Leo stepped over the tangled cords across the floor, minding his foot falls so he didn’t trip and pull everything down with him. On a whim, he clicked the switch of a lamp he passed, and was briefly surprised that the old bulb turned on.

Then it started to flicker rapidly, and Leo’s heart stuttered.

“Donnie?” Leo asked aloud, eyes darting around. The blub kept flickering for a second longer, and then settled.

Leo watched it for another tense moment, and then let out a quiet breath.

His heart was still jumping around a bit, so he put a hand on his chest and tried to calm the rapid pace it’d picked up. To no avail, since it just kept on thudding far too fast and loud.

Leo sighed hard, and tried to get a grip on his nerves. Tonight was probably going to be harder than he’d previously thought, and he’d already felt reluctant about the whole plan.

To counteract the overwhelming effect all of their minds and emotions had on Donnie, they were planning on filling the lair with enough ambient energy that Donnie would be able to stabilize. Hopefully, if it worked, Donnie would remain coherent enough to deliver the other portions of his plan to April, and… whatever that plan turned out to be, that would be their next move.

For this to work, all they had to do was control all of their emotions and thoughts so they didn’t create a looping feedback of terror and fear that would cripple them and send Donnie back over the edge. No pressure or anything.

Leo wasn’t feeling confident. Not with how scattered and wrecked they’d all become, since Donnie’s… not _death_ anymore, but disappearance. There was still a chance.

Leo swallowed his doubts, and tried to rally himself as he moved onto another lamp. They could do this, they _would_ do this. They couldn’t fail, and Leo would somehow make _sure_ they didn’t when the time came.

Leo’s internal clock, and tired feeling eyes, told him he still had a few hours yet.

He sighed again, louder.

He moved another lamp to the left, because he could. Because that’s all he could do, at the moment. And keep waiting, as agonizing as that was becoming.

Leo had moved all the lamps exactly one space to the left by the time his family started emerging from their rooms, and then had moved them all back one space to the right by the time Casey and April arrived.

Once the bulbs were in place, the lamps plugged in, and the television and radio turned on- they waited.

Donnie appeared only at night, for some reason. Maybe it was because Leo and their family were typically awake at night, or it could have been something else. Leo wasn’t sure, and he didn’t try to figure it out. He didn’t care what hour Donnie appeared at, he just wanted that hour to be soon.

April had taken position in the center of the lights. Legs folded beneath her as they waited for Donnie to make an appearance. The rest of them had spread out surrounding the imperfect rings of lamps.

Raph and Casey sat close together, talking in low tones as time ticked on. On occasion, they’d glance at April, but for the most part ignored her. Mikey sat close to the television, and miracles of miracles, seemed to be meditating as they waited. Back straight and eyes closed, Leo hadn’t seen his brother move once since he sat down. Leo almost went to ask him what he was doing, but he decided in the end to let Mikey be. Better to not interrupt a good thing.

Their father sat by the radio, it’s speakers on but playing nothing. He’d told them that Donnie had spoken through it once, and had added it to the lamps as an extra measure. Anything to ease Donnie’s struggle to exist on the living plain.

Leo himself sat on the far side from Raph and Casey, and folded his legs into a similar position to Mikey’s and April’s. Once they’d all settled, Leo closed his eyes and started to open his mental barriers.

If Mikey was connecting to Donnie by being ‘open’ to the connection, then Leo would lower his defenses to let his brother in.

After the first Kraang invasion, and after Leo had woken up from his coma, he’d started having vivid nightmares of the Shredder. Specifically of the attack that had put him in a coma. In order to get any sleep at all, and stop the flashbacks he’d have in the middle of regular training, Leo had applied a technique their father had taught them not long after they’d started their war.

Leo had built impenetrable walls around his mind, and repressed the experiences completely. Unless he wanted to remember them, he wouldn’t. Donnie had commented it wasn’t the healthiest thing in the world to do, simply forcing his mind to not think about the trauma, but Leo had figured it was worth it. After all, what good was a leader who couldn’t spar without seeing his worst enemy in the place of his brothers?

And if Donnie had wanted him to lower those defenses back then, then he’d likely be happy Leo was doing it now. For him no less.

Leo waited, meditated, and opened his mind for when Donnie would appear.

It took an amount of time, but the moment the air changed in the lair, Leo’s eyes snapped open. A chill ran through him, and with his defenses completely down, the crawling sensation went directly into his skull.

Leo’s heart sped up for a moment, and then he forced it to remain calm. He’d remain calm, no matter what.

Leo was on his feet the same time as everyone else, watching the lights of the lamps go crazy. Each bulb pulsated at faster and faster rates as the room got colder, an icy grip spreading over everything. Leo’s hands clenched as he instinctively wanted to reach for his swords, but he wasn’t wearing them, and wouldn’t ever draw them on Donnie. Ghostly creature or not, he would _never_ do that to his brother.

Leo shifted his feet nervously- _no, he couldn’t be nervous, he couldn’t afford to be-_ and he readied himself for what would inevitably come next.

Without his mental walls, Leo swore he could hear something whispering to him. It sounded _wrong,_ and he wanted to put the walls right back up. But he couldn’t, because that was probably Donnie, and he wouldn’t ignore his brother, never again.

Wind, despite the lair being far underground, brushed past Leo, and he shivered at its temperature. The last of the heat in the room vanished, and the television and radio’s crackling static increased in pitch. Leo held his breath as the lights turned darker and darker, and didn’t dare move when the light became so low he could barely see.

Then.

They flickered back to life, and Donnie was there.

Leo heard a sharp intake of breath from someone, but his focus was on Donnie.

His brother hovered on the edge of the lamps, a good three feet off the floor. He’d materialized on the edge furthest from everyone, and was looking at them all like he had last time. Silent, hollow eyed, and with no emotions to be seen.

It was a reset to him before being overwhelmed. That was good, that meant they had a chance to get this right.

Leo swallowed, and continued to maintain iron control of his emotions, while remaining open to Donnie’s connection. Under the creeping sensation of wrongness emanating through the air, it was beginning to be harder than Leo had thought it would be.

No one spoke as Donnie started drifting forwards, towards the first ring of lamps. So far, their plan seemed to be working, and the lamps darkened as Donnie drew close. Their energy was providing him stability, which meant the next step of the plan could begin.

“Donnie…” April said, her voice soft and careful.

Donnie turned his head slowly, the movement somehow disconnected and leaving wisps behind as he did.

Leo’s eyes darted between them both, watching as Donnie focused in on April, and April swallowed obviously.

“I know I sent you away last time, and I’m s-sorry,” April stuttered on her apology, likely because of the reaction it had triggered previously. Donnie gave no indication of his anger yesterday evening, and she continued. “We’ve got electricity for you this time, though. And we know what we’ve been doing wrong. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

Donnie blinked slowly, and continued to give no response. The television and radio crackled with static, and a wave of dimming went through the lamps. Everyone stiffened again at the actions.

Leo took a slow breath, and prayed that everyone would be able to control themselves. The air felt cold and tense, and he knew that they were still one wrong step away from everything falling apart. They couldn’t afford any mistakes.

Donnie floated closer to the ground, moving another ring nearer to April. He was only ten feet from her now. He tilted his head, looking at her with his dead, blank eyes.

April was standing straight, but Leo noted a tremor in her hands. She maintained steady eye contact with Donnie, though.

April moistened her lips, and spoke again. “I know this isn’t the plan you tried to give me, but you gave me too much last time, Donnie. And then you took most of it back with you. Can you try showing me your plan again? But slower this time. I won’t be able to handle it all if you go too fast.”

Leo’s nerves jolted as the radio and television’s static suddenly changed, and a distorted voice came from the straining speakers.

_ar̙̦̩̰̳͈̝e̠̥̦̗̟͝ ̡̥y̴̥o̗͞u̹̠̻̠͈͖ͅ ̺̘͚̻̮̮l̬̠͔̣͡i͉̜̰̩͕̻s̞̮͈͎͚̕ͅt̲̮͡e͜n̦̱i̯̰n͈͍̤͍g̻͈͉̤͈̯͘ͅ?̻͜_

 

“Yes,” April replied, voice steady. “I’m listening. We all are, Donnie. Please, just one more time…”

Donnie’s form warped for a moment, then stabilized again. He stared at April, blank expression somehow communicating scrutiny. Leo tried to figure out what Donnie was waiting for. Why was he hesitating? Wasn’t this what they’d all been trying to achieve?

A wave of _something_ moved through the room, and Leo tried not to shudder. He could _feel_ Donnie, his brother’s presence as ambient as the lamps throughout the lair. It was so cold, like ice was trying to grow right inside of Leo.

Was this what Donnie was feeling? Trapped between worlds?

Leo was- _not scared not scared he wasn’t scared-_ worried to find out. Worried for his brother, and how painful it must have been to experience the coldness in full force.

_.̝̥̣̰̤̲͘.̜̳̙̦̥̦.a̙lr̨͍̺̫̼i̫g͓h͙͎̹̰t̫̮̟.̣͎͉ ҉̱̲l̹͙̤̜͡e̛̬̮̮̙̥t'̯͚͖s̘̫͖̮ͅ ͔̺͇̻̱t̢̞̬̯͓̗̯ṟ̺̟̳͔y̴͚ ̮̬̮̪̰͍̞a͎̲͎͕͕ͅg̴͍ͅa̱̥̱̝̭̝̪i̧͔ṉ̡͔̣.̗̮ ̯L͍̲̩͉̤̤͘ị̷̖͔̝ͅs̝͚̱̪̰t͚͡ęn̩͉̞̻͚͈͍͡i̦̩n̶̝͍ͅg̩͔͎͜ ̗͈͇ͅt̮͔͖̣̟̣̮ḫ̣͎̙̬ͅǫ̗̘̯͎̗u̥̘̟͔̰͎͢g͙̟̫̣̖̺͉h̞̹ͅ. ̦p̧͕͔̱͓l͈̹͙̗ḙ̭̜̙͍͘a҉s͏̼͎͕e̪̹̮̦͎͈͝ ̸̯̠͉͕̺l͟i̤̖̜̝̻̪͠s̛̘t̯͟ẹ̠̙n̥͕̹̞͈̪̩,͚ ̞̹͝l̹̞̜͈͘i͓͕͕͇̝̖s͙͕̙̤̝̦̺t̝͍͇̞̠̘e҉͖͔̟̩n̨͇̜͇̗ ̷̪̱t̼̞̯̠̦̺͘o̴͚̳̪̹͉̝ ̙̲̦̱̖̗̕M̲̪͍̣̭̕e̥̯̪͉̲̤.̰͘_

 

“I’m listening,” April said. “I _swear I’m listening,_ Donnie.”

Donnie drifted towards April, the lights closest to him dimming as he went. A trail of pale afterimages followed him, limbs not quite lining up in their movements. Leo held his breath, forcing himself to remain steady as his brother approached April.

Donnie stopped right in front of her, just three feet away, and hovered. Waiting.

Leo’s eyes darted quickly to the other people in the room, rapidly checking for any sign that someone would falter in this crucial moment. Mikey was staring wide eyed, utterly still and silent. Raph and Casey stood together, both their hands curled into fists. Splinter stood, tall and ready, with his ears laid back against the ever growing static from the radio and television.

Leo’s senses felt off, the static and flickering lights interfering. And Donnie’s wrongness was still seeping through the air, easily brushing over Leo’s mind now that he’d removed his blocks.

Leo watched April’s hands shake, as Donnie drifted a slight amount closer. Donnie stared at her, wide and white. And then, as April’s face went completely pale-

-his expression twisted like it had last time, and then Leo’s senses _screamed._

The full force of the connection slammed into Leo, and his knees buckled immediately. A snarled mess of emotions and thoughts that weren’t his overrode everything, and he choked under the strain.

_-guilt guilt guilt fury shame hate sel͢f̵-dis̛g̡u̢st R̝͖̳̻A̳̘G͠E͍͖͉̰̺̠̯̕ -_

Ice clawed at Leo’s chest, and he couldn’t _breathe, couldn’t find air, there wasn’t anything nothing no o͢n͝e ͡it w̧a͞s͟ ͠su͡c͡k͞i̷ng hi̕m ͡įn tea̛ri̛ng h̕im ͜apart̕ ͞ he̶̫̼̥ḽ͉̗̳̜͟p̝͔͍͕̤̞͇ ̭͉͖h̡͔͖̻e͔̠l̦͓̥͉̪̰͚p̖ pl̡̞͓ḙ̬̟͜a̪͉͉̜͚̙s̻̫̰̥̙͎ͅe̺̝̯̩͚̺ ̢g̺͈̖̙̹̗e̶ț̛̰̺ ͇͓m̨̝e̘̤ͅ ͘o͢u͏̯̩̗͈ͅt̯ ̘̳̝̟͞G͘E̫̪͎T̶̩ ̪͍͍͚̠͚͘M͇̣̳̰̰E͍ ̝͕͙͎̹̦O͖̱̹̬̕U̪̞͖͘T̳̼̗̠̺͉-̸̳̥̼̙͙-_

_-_ _a͡ll ̧m̴y̸ f̵au̸l̡ţ I d̕idn't͢ mea̸n̛ ̴to҉ ̢I͟'͞m̸ şor̵ry I'm̶ ͝s̶orr̵y ̶please I̸'m ҉S̡OR̶R͜Y̸-_

 

Leo wrenched himself free of the howling thoughts, and forcefully slammed his mental shields back into place. The thoughts disappeared, but the screaming, the _screaming-_

_It wasn’t just in his head._

Leo struggled to his feet, taking in how things had deteriorated again.

This time, Donnie wasn’t hovering in place and screaming. He was everywhere, rapidly disappearing and reappearing as lights shattered in the rings of lamps. April was on the ground, clutching her skull and yelling.

Leo, shaken and struggling to return to full control of himself, realized the sudden influx had come not just from Donnie, _but April too._

His ears were ringing- or maybe he was just feeling the after effects of the full connection- and the shouts of his family were distant. Mikey, open and vulnerable to the connection, was obviously struggling to stay standing, and Raph and Casey seemed at a loss of how to break into the situation. Every time they moved forwards, Donnie would shift where he was, and they would be forced to retreat or risk running into him.

Glass fell onto the floor as Donnie swept through another row of lamps, shattering the fragile bulbs in a sweep of blinding light. The television’s screen was too bright to look at, arcs of electricity coming off it like the ceiling lights of the lair above them all.

 _“Donatello! Calm yourself!”_ Splinter yelled over the shrieking static of the electricity, barely hearable over April and Donnie’s combined voices. His words only seemed to make things worse, and Leo’s mind was wracked again by an intense blow of snarling emotions and thoughts.

His own fear rose in response, and Leo couldn’t control the rapid thudding of his heart, the need to run or fight or _hide-_

_i҉̙͙̬̼t̥͘ ̺h̦u̟̪̼͓̱r̲̜͇͍͎̥̣t͎s̠͇ ̬̝̤͉̝̬̣i̬̰̖͖̱̲̲t̲̖͙̠̲͉ ̶ḥ̹̙͚͡u̗͚̩͙̯̣̩r̖̝ţ̘͙͚̝̗͈̳s̺̦ ̢͇̜i͙̩̰̲̻͙̞t͎̳͠ ͍̰̜͚̝͠Y̧͎͓͈͚͚O̢̦̫̣U͖̞͖͕̱̲͞R҉̭ ̵̰F̦A̵̮̗̺͉͎ͅU̠̦͈̯̭ḶT ̨̖̼̤͕͇͈m̙̫̰͟y̗̫̮̯ ͏̱̤̩f̬͇͉a̴u̧̙͍͖̰͎̗ͅl̢̙̪̙̤̩ͅt͓̮̻͕̼͉ ̺̹̣̗H҉͇̘̰̲̗̙͙Ę̹͙̝̳̜̻R̩͖̙S̸̘̤͇̬ ͏͙IT̻̪̤̦̜ ̼̟̳W̡AS̱͡ ̟̼̖̬̬H̘̠̘̙̩ͅE͍R̯̠̩̰͘S̕ ̫̗͢ͅỌ̪̥̯̪U͙̩̤ͅT̢̼͕̞̩̰ ̧̜͎͕͕͉OU̵̯͕̼͕̣ͅT̟ ̴̹̫̭̝̳̲O̫̯ͅU̵̥̹ͅȚ͖͈̭̜͙ ͞m̗̹͡a̻k͏̘̜͈e̷̼ ̠͇iţ͕͔͉̳͈̗̪ ̡͈͉͉s̱͕͍̩̯t͏͎o҉͖̝̫p̩̺̘̙͖͜ m̞̹a̴̼̠̳͈̤k͈e͏̯̯̻̦̮ ̴̳͉̬̤̲̯i̢͇t̼͍̙̙̱͉ ͈̼͇̹s̹͉̝̩̼̕t̵͎͈̦͈̤ͅo͖̟̖̞p͓̣͈ ̢̹̩̩̣͔I̟͓̹̮̮̭’̗̮̗m͘ ̖͖͖̤͉̘s͉̭̝̰̝ͅo͉̦̣r̺̖̳̙̜̘̟r̵̙̺͎̖̙̣y͈͓̭̞̟̫ ̨p̛̬͈̩͈le̙̹a̡̼s̱e̖͚͎̰̹͟ ̯͙̲̥P̜̻͚̯͓̳̻L̩̙̤̩͎̖̬͝Ḛ͎̮̹͍̝̝͡A̝͈̙S̖̳̖͓͝E͓̜̞̗̼͈̪ ̥͇̫͈̱͙̖H̱̭̭̳E̳̞̼L͈̘̠̪P̵̻-͓̻͚̦͢_

 

_-̴̝͎̭͍̜̯̻s̪̗̼̭͓͘t͍ọ̣̻͓p̖ ̳̤̝̜̤s͍͈̘͡t̩̫̘͜o͏̤̱̞p̡̮̤̯ ̰̭͍s͙͓t̕o͎̼̬̮p̢͔ ̲̞͎̭̥̖͢I̻̹̩’̞͚̩̮M͉̤̖̺͙͜ ̹͍̰̲̻S̜͇̙̭̗O͏R̘̣̱̥̜̝R̜̥̤͕̟̳͘Y͏̹̟̠͈̖ ̵̭I̤͖̠̯ͅ ̵͕D̼̦͓̯̥̹I̙͍D̠̬͎͍̬̼̳N̸̯’̸͈͙̣̤̮T̪̻͇̗̯͇̣ ̫M̨̹͖̠͉̮̩̪E̗̭͕̻̱̰ͅA̘̝̤͇̰̪ͅN͎̯͖͕̤̱ ̡͈̱͇T̹̱͓͜ͅO̻̼͈̺̰ ̢̪pl̷̪̘̙̼͎̠̱e̛͉̫̤͖̘ͅͅa̭̩s̙̞̙̰e҉͔̖͓͇ ̦͓̩͉̰P͙͚͞L̥E̹̺̤̞͘A̰S͜E͇̳̟͔̦̖̖ ̥͓͈̜̹I̵̭̜̣̲̫̗’̧̩M̰ͅ ͉̳̘̝S̠O̯͎͚̻͉R̘̠̺R̭Y-̵͕͚̼_

 

 _“April!”_ Leo shouted, shoving his own emotions away. _“APRIL!_ Calm _down!_ You’re only making it _worse!”_

Another collection of bulbs exploded, and the combined scream of April and Donnie both filled the lair. Then-

Abruptly, all the lights in the lair went out, and Leo’s vision was plunged into darkness. The intruding thoughts fell away again, and everything went eerily still. No screams were heard anymore, and the only things Leo could hear were his fearfully thrumming heartrate, and ragged breathing from the room’s inhabitants.

Then, a wave of sheer and utter _guilt_ pulsed through Leo, and his sightless vision watered at the crushing sadness following it. He couldn’t breathe, the feeling of despair wracking through him so deeply nothing could enter his lungs.

He curled on himself, a deep and cold pit opening in his chest and swallowing everything. His shields had fallen again under the brute force of the attack, and he couldn’t manage even a sliver of strength to bring them back up.

Leo gasped, and couldn’t inhale at all. Ice encircled his neck, and his mind fell into depths of terror and pain that weren’t his.

Light slowly came back to his sight, as he struggled to drag himself out of the spiraling despair, and Leo turned his head against the stone floor to look at its source.

Electricity was arcing off Donnie’s scales, the only source of illumination, as he hovered in the air. Only the lamps around him were lit, all the others still dark. He was staring at April, expression still dark and furious.

It looked so wrong on Donnie, Leo thought distantly. Then, it became horrifying, as Donnie’s form distorted worse than ever before.

All the emotions and thoughts, flowing and howling between them all, were manifesting in the worst way. It didn’t look like Donnie could handle it, even with all the extra electrical current.

Donnie’s head glitched, and for a moment, three different heads took the place of it. One’s expression was furious, another was screaming silently, agonizingly, and the final one, the middle one, stared with emotionless judgement at the girl lying on the stone floor.

Leo couldn’t breathe or move, as the monstrous version of his brother bore down on April. Glitching his form over and over, having one and then three and then one head again and again. The bright flashes of electricity from the lamps shone on the scene, showing April’s unmoving body on the ground. Donnie steadily drew closer and closer, lowering himself to the ground.

Leo struggled to shove himself onto his elbows, but his vision kept skewing, and his body wouldn’t respond how he wanted it to. He’d hooked himself in too deeply, let too much foreign influence into his mind. Donnie’s ice-cold power held him in place, and April’s emotions took care of the rest.

Leo couldn’t do anything to stop what was happening, and he knew, as Donnie moved according to April’s fury and self-hatred, whatever happened next wouldn’t be good.

Leo fought the feeling of heaviness, struggling to pull himself from the gripping emotions and thoughts, and desperately tried to stand, to get to Donnie or April or _both of them,_ _anything to save them from what they about to do to each other-_

_“STOP IT!”_

Leo gasped, and was suddenly able to get air into his lungs. Some of the hold on him abated, and he was able to shove himself off the ground. But that hadn’t been April’s voice, or his, so who-?

Leo turned his aching head towards the scene again, and found-

Casey, arms outstretched as he glared with a pale, but stubborn expression on his face. He stood in front of April’s prone form, staring Donnie down, even as Leo’s brother kept glitching menacingly.

Leo, for a moment, was thrown by how stupid the idea was. Standing in the way of a poltergeist, how would that do anything?

 _M̩̬̠͊͌ͩͩ̎O͚̮̺̦̟̻̔V̝̖͙͖̱̮̠͋̋̀̎̿̈Ë̩̠͖͉͎̤́ͪͣ̃̀͋ͬ,_ Donnie’s disembodied voice commanded, coming from everywhere at once. The three heads appeared again, and Leo’s stomach turned at how _wrong_ that looked.

“Yeah, _no,”_ Casey snapped. “Not until _you_ calm down and _she_ calms down and _we all fucking calm down.”_

Casey’s words were brave, but Leo could see him shaking. Casey’s eyes were wide enough that the whites showed in the flashes of mini lightning Donnie was giving off, and his grimace was deep and nervous. He stayed put though, even as Donnie growled a wordless, bone deep sound.

“Look around!” Casey exclaimed, a hint of strain in his voice as he did. “Look at what you’re doing! This isn’t _you_ , Donnie. Hell, this isn’t April either!”

 _ge̞̬̻̜̘̹͔t̟͕͈̻̱̭̅̓ͫ͂̅̃ͫ ̠͕̰̫̰̰͉̌ͤo͓͙̣͎͑̓ͩͅu̬͉̼̮̤̟̓͆t̠̮̳̰̣̜ͭ͂͛͒ ͓̰͇̰ͯͪ̓O̯̤̞̼͙͍̩̽ͣF̟͇͖̭̫̖̀ ̣͔͙̥̹̞͈̀̍ͥ̎͊͑̌T͚͓͙͍̠ͨͧ̑ͦH̜͚̹̑ͤ͆̍̐E̯̭̦ͧ͋ͦ̇ ̞̱̎͛ͦ̏Ẁ̟̖͈͆̓̐͗͒͋ͅǍ̼̝̳̺̮̙̤̒̚Y̖̞̥ͪ̐͑̅,_ Donnie yelled, his form splitting into three heads again.

_“NO!”_ Casey yelled back at Donnie, not even flinching away from the horrific sight. _“Not until_ _everyone calms the fuck down!”_

Donnie’s heads reunited as one, and he snarled at Casey in a way that Leo could _feel_ in the air. Casey didn’t back down, even as Donnie suddenly flashed to stand on the ground, five feet in front of where Casey was blocking him from April.

Leo noted that the pressure from Donnie’s presence was abating further and further, and the other members of his family were shaking off the attack. Donnie’s focus was completely on Casey and April, and it was giving them all space to breathe again.

But, as the pressure on Leo lessened, it seemed to worsen on Casey, and his footing became shaky. Casey was breathing heavily under the focused power, and his breath steamed in the frigid air surrounding him.

 _g̮̗̥̞ͅe̹̳̣̦ṯ̤ ̴̬̼̟̟̰̹̝o̤u̲͙̬̱̦̫̫t̛̫͖ ̯̺o͖f̘͘ ̴̯͎̲ṱ̺͚̰ͅh̩͇̻̺͎͖e̘̦̳̦͓̜̫ ͔̕w̡͓̮ͅa͖̪y̙̦ ̢̱̲C̦̹͎̞̥̯a̢̟̩̩̼̞̥ͅs͎̲͕̻̣̫͟ey̡̹̪͖,_ Donnie’s voice said, even as his lips didn’t move. Then, his head split again, and he yelled _, G̺̟̝E̼T҉̲ ̱̟̳̙̜ǪU͏̹T̢̯̭̞͓̘ ̳͔͡O͖̜̜̞F̠̼ ̶̟͕͎̟̭̳̖O̶U͏͈̱̥̭̤̞̱Ṛ̛͙ͅ ̶̲̣̞̫̭͇̖W͚̹̟̤̤A̡͕͍̰Y̢ ̢O̢̖̯͇̱͖̻R̰͞ ͎̠̻͢I'͙̹͔̺̤͠L̞̫̻̗L̶͓̳̲-̨̙̺̱-_

  
“Or you’ll _what?”_ Casey snapped. “Go all Paranormal Activity on me? _Kinda already are,_ so get a new trick already!”

Casey was antagonizing the highly volatile poltergeist in the room, _because of course he was_. Leo wasn’t sure what he expected to happen. Probably not this.

Donnie’s snarl caused the lights around him to brighten, and an increase in arcing electricity. Casey kept staring him down, even as the flashes of light got dangerously close to him and April.

“Look _around_ , Donnie,” Casey said, voice firm and even despite the situation. A rush of determination went through the connection Donnie had built between them all, and Leo knew for fact it was Casey’s. “Fucking _look at yourself!_ Look at what’s happening! We might not always get along like best buddies, but I know this isn’t what you would have wanted to do. We’re trying to _help_ you _._ _April’s_ trying to help you. So calm down and _let us help you!”_

When Donnie didn’t respond, other than reuniting his form and letting another rolling wave of terror move through the room, Casey squared his shoulders, sending another push of bull-headed determination through the link, and yelled, _“I watched one of my friends go nuts with power, I won’t let another one do the same thing!”_

And before Donnie could react, Casey closed the distance between them, raising his fist as he went, and-

“So wake! _The hell!_ _UP!”_ Casey shouted, and he punched Donnie across the face.

Leo’s jaw dropped open at the sheer absurdity of the move. Then, to his complete shock, and likely everyone else’s in the room, Donnie reeled from the punch like he’d actually _felt it._

Casey let out a pained sound, and clutched his arm to himself, hunching over the hand he’d hit Donnie with. And then, with something _popped_ in the connection, and the ringing terror from earlier was gone. The last of the pressure in the room disappeared abruptly, and the lights came back up slowly.

Donnie hovered off the ground, a hand on his cheek and showing actual confusion on his face. Leo felt similarly, and not just because of the empathy link between them all.

Then-

 _ca̲͖s͏̱͔͈͚e̤̞y͔̞?̪̣̬̪͡_ Donnie asked in a small voice.

 

Casey’s stiff posture slumped a bit, and he gave a strained grin at Donnie. “Hey dude, thinking straight again?”

 _w̦̙͟ͅḥ̴ͅa̠͠t̸̪̞͉ͅ?̥͘ ͎̜̤̠̳w͉͞ḥḙ̦r̞̞ȩ̠̝͇͈ ̭̫͈͈̭̟̮a̶̯m̨͔ ̰͎i̖͚͓̲̟̩-̠̰̙̠̥͇_ Donnie stopped, staring at April on the floor still. His blank eyes widened, and he floated forwards an inch, only to reel further backwards. _a̳̮̞̱͕̞͟p̙r̲͔͙i̢̦l̖̣̠̠̤̕?̗͚̠̮̠̰̱ ̝̦̻̣̳͕n̞̘̲̜͔͍o͏͚͙̥͚ ̱n̦o͇͚͕ ͡n̺̰̳̫̰o̴̘͙̙̥,̠̟̘̫̦͈ ̬͍̙̻͇̰̝t̯̺̻̱̫̰͝h̟̲̭͍̼a͜t̪̫͇̱̱̯̗'̱̙̪̰̰͡ṣ̠ ̷̣n̡̘͈ơ̤̜̠̲̹͓t͈͈̮̟̗̹͔ ̠̯̼̗͘w̶̪̗h͓͎̹͘at ̨͉̭̪i̬̟̭̰͕̭-_ _ị͈̹͇͓͖ ̤̫͇͙̲̩d̪̰̖͈̲i̪̪̝d̲̝̜̩n̮̞̩͉'̜t̬̫̙̖͉ ̱̺̥̺̝̯̩m̪͎͚̺̕ea̷n͕̙͘ ҉̖̤̼t̗̬̠͉̻̬o͓̬̞̤̞̪-̼̯_

Donnie shrank on himself, paling and becoming nearly not there. _i̟͟'m̹ ̧̰̮s̤͖̣̻͖̟̝orr̥͢y̺̮̲,̗͎̯͓̹͜ ͓͔̞͔͉̙͠i'̹m̱̘̥̣ ̫͙̺͟ș͓̞̠͈̜̮o̲r̢͇̩ŗ͙̝̯̫y̟͖͎̙̞,̶̘ i'͈̱m̼̰̩͙͖̜ ̱̘͖s̠̞̙̥̼o̶̹r̭͉͟r̛̬̬̮y̯͉̩.̟̩̜̭͢ͅ.̤̮̟̳̝̝̠.̬̭͇͎̜̘͕͢_

 

“It’s not your fault,” Casey said hoarsely, still clutching his arm. “We’re the ones fucking you over. You didn’t mean to.”

 _no̹̙ ͈n͙͕͕͎͙ͅo̢̭͔ ͖̰͎̹̟̫̭n̨̮̱̦͚̞̖o̝͕͕̤ ̸nͅo͖̖̹̜͔.̗.̷̜̼̝.͏̭̦̹̮.̵̜̳̪̟_ Donnie mumbled, voice getting quieter and quieter as he hid behind his hands. Leo then realized his brother was in danger of disappearing again, and after everything they’d done to bring him this far, _if someone didn’t do something-_

“Donnie.”

A rush of warmth flooded the connection, and the pit that had opened in Leo’s chest filled itself.

Mikey was standing beside Casey, having moved there while everyone was focused on Donnie. Mikey closed his eyes for a brief second, and Leo could feel the comfort he was pouring into their connections. A sense of home, care, and love filled the link, and overrode the fear and cold.

Donnie’s form stabilized again, and he slowly regained visibility. As Mikey stepped towards him, Donnie lowered his hands, and stared down at Mikey.

Mikey stared up at him, looking determined and sad. “You didn’t mean to, and I know that for a fact. You’re the guy who opened up the link, after all. You can’t hide much once you do that.”

 _i̩̲̱͠'̼m̭͙ ͕̟͍͙̲s̭̠ǫ͉̪̦͕r̨̟̳͍͍̤r̞̗͉̳y̛̳͇̘͍̞̮_ , Donnie said again, lips actually moving as he said the words. i̦t͈̺͙̖̕ ̪j͚̠̜͎u͓͓s͏̬͈̳ͅt̪͇̼̺ͅ ̩̤͉͜h̲̩͓̪͕̝u̱̰̺̱̥͞r̴̗̦͇ts̺̗̟̖͝ ̮̲̹̘̲ͅi͠t̡̫̘͍ ͈͝h͉͖̜̰̤͟u̮͈̱̮ͅͅr҉t̹̖̩s҉̪̭͕͚̰̺ ̨a̗̩̝̥̤̮nd ͉͚͖i̱͎͚ͅ ̦̫̺̥͘c͍̠̗͘o̥u̘̱͜l̟͎͓͓͞d͙͙̝n̢̩̟̯'͓̦͍̰͓t̥̯̮͍̰̹̜ ̮͎͍̞̳̣c̥͓͇̯̹o̴͎̦n̖̫t͏̞͉r͍͜o̮̞̗͓̮͘l̦̞ ̻̘̥̳͍i̦͔͠t̸̤

 

Mikey winced slightly at the pitching static in Donnie’s voice, but didn’t flinch away otherwise. “It’s cool. Everyone loses control sometimes.”

Leo’s feet started moving towards his brothers, then. He drifted forwards, following an unspoken request. He saw Raph moving close as well, and their father’s tall form joining the group.

Leo took his place beside Mikey, with Casey, Raph, and Splinter. Donnie stared at them all, still hovering, still partially curled on himself.

Leo’s earlier fears were erased, feeling the strength of the bond they were all sharing. With Mikey pushing for it, Leo’s own familial love slowly leaked out. There wasn’t any fear anymore, only the sensation of being a part of a group, of a _family._

“Let’s try this one more time,” Mikey said, smiling softly at Donnie.

Leo felt a hand on his shell, and turned his head to see April shakily making her way to the front of the group. She was let through, and even Mikey stepped aside to let her stand in front of Donnie.

Only the quietest twinge of guilt and shame came from her, before it was overpowered by the warmer emotions flowing through them all. April’s hands weren’t shaking anymore, and she held her hand up to Donnie.

“I’m ready,” She said, voice strong. Leo felt her power reach out to Donnie’s and watched as his brother’s hand reached out to meet hers.

It was only a gentle touch, Donnie laying his hand on April’s palm. He closed his eyes, and after a beat of concentration, opened them again to smile at them all.

Then he vanished, fading away too quick for Leo stop.

April’s stumbled, and Leo instinctively reached out to steady her. She was clutching her hand like Casey was, and fresh tears dropped from her eyes.

“I got it,” She said, voice cracking. “I got the plan. He- he couldn’t stay anymore, but I got his message. I heard him.”

Her shoulders shook, and Leo followed impulse as he wrapped an arm over them. The last of the empathy link was dying off with Donnie gone, and Leo only caught the tail ends of the aching sadness April was feeling. But it was more than enough.

“Good job,” Leo said, holding his friend as she tried to pull herself back together. “I- I knew you could do it.”

April scoffed wetly, but let him hold her.

Then, Leo noticed her fingers had turned blue, and his concern turned into _concern_ , the same time as Raph exclaimed _“HYPOTHERMIA!”_ behind them.

Leo turned his head, and saw Raph and Mikey already rushing Casey towards the kitchen. Splinter approached Leo and April, and Leo got the silent message they should probably do the same with April.

Casey was being held against the sink by Raph when they entered, blue tinged fist shoved into a sink filled with room temperature water. Leo’s father led April the same direction, instructing both the humans to keep their hands in there until they stopped being in danger of paranormal-induced hypothermia.

Leo was then commandeered by Mikey, to go start sweeping up the definitely dangerous glass shards everywhere, while Splinter and Raph treated their human friends. The last he saw of April and Casey, was April leaning her head on Casey and saying something too quiet for anyone else to hear. Casey seemed to hear it though, because he lowered his on head to set it on top of hers.

Leo grabbed a broom and joined Mikey in clean up, and put aside his questions about Donnie’s plan for later.

They’d figure it out later. Right now, they’d tend to the injuries accumulated through the experience, and Leo would focus on building up his mental shields properly again.

He paused for a moment though, as he passed Mikey while they cleaned, to pull his brother into a tight hug. While the majority of Mikey’s emotions had been loving ones during the connection, there had been an undercurrent of sorrow to them. Such deep sorrow that it still echoed in Leo.

Leo hadn’t spent nearly enough time with his brothers lately. Not nearly enough time comforting them as they struggled with grief. The exposure to April’s crippling self-hatred and Mikey’s soul deep sadness had knocked Leo off his axis, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with either.

He’d started though, by holding his youngest brother, and telling him he was proud of what Mikey had done. Believing in Donnie when no one else had, and then helping avert what could have been a disaster.

Mikey seemed confused by the sudden praise, but warmly returned the hug anyways.

Leo held his brother tight, and swore he’d do the same to Donnie whenever they got him back.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if there's typos or anything: FUCK.
> 
> I have work and need to run, but hey, I thought I'd upload this quick and pray it's not terrible.
> 
> tell me what you thought of the first big climax, lmao.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is long.
> 
> also, i'm at least 70% the one of the writers for the show is reading this fanfiction, and low-key plagiarized my electro-turtle idea. badly.  
> = _ = i'm suspicious as hell tbh, because electro sort-of-ghost mikey was really similar to electro sort-of-ghost donnie. hmmmm....

 

 

April came over to him, right after Donnie had disappeared like some kind of see-through flake of an asshole- sure there were circumstances making it hard, but couldn’t he stick around for more than five minutes at a time and _not_ be a total drama queen?- and she’d whispered, broken and quiet, _“I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry, Casey.”_

And Casey decided he was kind of tired of hearing her say that, of sounding like _she_ was the one living a half-life and not Donnie. His gut reaction was to tell her to shut up and just quit it with the apologies. It wasn’t fixing anything, and it actually hurt at this point to hear her say them.

But, after feeling pretty much the most overpowering despair he’d ever felt- how did one small girl hold _that much despair?-_ he kind of figured no matter what he said, it wouldn’t make anything better. Him telling her to shut up probably _would_ make her shut up, and then never un-shut up. Which would be infinitely worse than the endless apologies.

April’s head was leaned on his arm, and she was still shaking with cold and shock. It felt intensely wrong for her to look like that; like anything other than the unstoppable April O’Neil, badass and kunoichi extraordinaire.

It made Casey miss that April a lot, the one he’d befriended and respected, and feel deeply sad for the one still slowly breaking right in front of him.

So he sighed, and dropped his head gently on top of hers. “I know,” He whispered back. “I’m sorry, too.” Sorry for not noticing what the crystal was doing to her, sorry for not being of any use to stop her, sorry for being an idiot too wrapped up in his own miserable feelings to reach out to anyone. Sorry in general.

His hand, still plunged in the warm water in the sink, drifted over to hers, and she let him link their hands together. April sniffled, and didn’t say anything else. Neither did Casey. He ached in his bones, the previous coldly electric feeling from punching the ghost of his friend still dissipating from them. April’s hand felt even colder than his, so he guessed she was still shaking off the same sensation.

“How did you know that would work?” April asked suddenly, breaking the silence they’d lapsed into. Casey made a tired mumble of what she was asking about specifically, and she clarified. “You… punching him,” And he could hear a hint of the old humor she had, edging into her voice because yeah, what he’d done was pretty ridiculous. “That- that was a _terrible_ plan, Casey. He could’ve… I don’t know. Done something, reacted even worse than he already was, electrocuted you…”

Casey shrugged, the motion carrying into where he’d laid his head on hers. “I didn’t know,” He said truthfully. There was no plan. There was never, ever a plan with him. Which usually worked well enough. Except all the times it didn’t. “I just needed him to listen, and he was being a raging asshole, so I did what usually works to get his attention. Also, how many people can say they punched a ghost? One. One person can. And that’s me. I am that person.”

April laughed wetly, croaking a little as the sound escaped her. She shook her head, mussing her hair under Casey’s forehead. “You’re the worst, Jones,” She said hoarsely, and Casey thought he heard a lot of fondness in that statement. “The _worst._ You’re a- a damn menace, that’s what you are.”

“I will have you know, I am the most metal person to have ever existed, and I punched a ghost, so that proves it.”

“It proves you’re an idiot,” April said, still laughing in croaks. She squeezed his hand tightly, and he barely felt her trembling anymore. “I missed you.”

Casey heard the murmured conversations of the brothers and their dad, still going on around his and April’s private little bubble. It’d been weeks since he spoke to any of them, let alone been in the lair; which, now that he was back in it, smelling the slight rankness, the obvious mustiness, and the weird smell of wet concrete it always had- he realized how much he’d missed all of them.

And here was April, exhausted in probably the same bizarrely draining way Casey was, and hurting in a lot of ways he hadn’t known about before. Hurt that they- all of them, their whole stupidly messed up family-like friend circle- needed to address, and try to patch up before it swallowed April whole.

Feeling all that overpowering sadness, the raw regret and pain, had felt like hovering on the edge of a bottomless pit. No end in sight and sucking him in. April had been living with that every day since he last saw her, and while Casey had issues of his own about her and about other shit, he felt like a rotten friend for not reaching out to help her even once.

If any of them were going to get through this and get Donnie back, they needed to stick together. And damn if Casey hadn’t been feeling like the loneliest kid in existence that last month and some. He didn’t want to break himself off from his friends again, ever, no matter how many nightmare inducing problems came with them. April included.

“I missed you, too,” He said, pushing his head against her skull. There was a lot of stuff he also wanted to say- some concerned, a lot bitter- but April had only just stopped shaking, and if Casey were honest, so had he. He was bone-deep tired, like someone had run him through three intensive Hockey practices all at once, and he kind of just wanted to avoid anything emotionally strenuous for a while. Including talking about April’s guilt, his own guilt, and the fact that there was still a very, very scary situation in the progress of being fixed.

Splinter entered their bubble of kind-of-pity-mostly-mutual-comforting, and held cups of hot tea out to them. Why was it that tea was the answer to everything in this house? Always tea. If he held still longer than ten seconds, those first couple weeks of knowing the turtles, Splinter or Leo, or hell, any of the brothers would try to shove a cup of herbal tea into his hands. Before meeting them all, Casey hadn’t even _liked_ tea, and only drank it like once a year or something.

Now though, he took the cup without any feeling other than gratitude, because he’d missed the endless stream of tea, too.

 

 

 

Staring up at Donnie, his friend lost in a storm of power and rage, had put Casey right back on that roof. Feeling about as useless as a sidelined player, and watching April be absorbed by her own abilities.

It’d been like having it happen all over again, losing his friend a _second time,_ and having it be the same way he’d nearly lost April. He’d felt out of his depth, downright _terrified,_ because he had _no clue what to do._ Both times, he had no clue how to stop what was happening or help his friend.

He wasn’t a psychic, he wasn’t a ninja with ancient magics- he was just some guy holding a hockey stick, and trying to find something to hit and just make everything _stop_ already. Casey would never, _ever_ admit it out loud, but both times he’d felt outclassed, outgunned, and out of ideas.

But, he’d never let those things stop him before, and he wasn’t letting another one of his friends turn into a glowy asshole, high on power and fury.

So he’d defaulted. And punched Donnie across the face.

That always got his attention, one way or another, and it gave Casey the room breathe without the oppressive _fearfearRAGEsorrowpainpainPAINHATERAGEfear_ feelings that were clogging up his head. They weren’t his, and he sure as hell didn’t want them. He didn’t want them in Donnie’s head either- because fuck that, _no one_ should have that in their head, let alone his friend- so he taken every ounce of bullheadedness he had, and mentally punched Donnie, too.

Worked out pretty great, in his opinion. Both punches. And they said violence was never the answer.

Donnie would probably pitch a fit about that later, and Casey would welcome every shriek that came his way. Treasure it, even; the ear shattering decibels Donnie could reach when he got good and mad. In the really private thoughts of his own mind, Casey thought he’d probably let Donnie yell at him for the rest of their lives if they got him back.

Casey really, really missed his friend. Missed his stupidly smug face, missed his endless snapping and poking, missed shooting shit while fussing with car engines and just… hanging around together.

It was a little embarrassing, but hey, nothing like watching your friend get pulled apart at a molecular level to remind you how much you like having him around, despite his overall annoying personality. Or maybe because of it.

Donnie would probably laugh at Casey for getting weirdly sentimental, the enormous jerk he was. Casey couldn’t wait to hear that snide laughter again; it’d already been way too long.

 

 

 

From Casey’s understanding, the plan boiled down to pretty basic stuff. Basic, mindnumbingly, _frustrating_ stuff.

Mostly, the plan involved waiting.

Immediately, when Casey had heard just how long they were going to have to wait, he’d groaned loudly. April didn’t have the same power levels or control she’d used to- something about how the influence of the crystal had ruptured or torn that part of her, somehow- so she was going to need boosts to pull Donnie back into reality.

In hindsight, the answer/plan to solve their problem was kind of obvious. Shame Donnie wasn’t corporeal enough to snark at them for the oversight, since it was a bad one. If April/Za’na-go-fuck-yourself could tear Donnie _out_ of reality, then shouldn’t the _reverse_ of that be possible, too?

It seemed straight forward enough to Casey. April powered up, grabbed Donnie by his shell, dragged him back onto their plain of reality, and then they all went home the end. Except, April didn’t have the same almighty high of the crystal anymore, and Donnie had been drifting around, losing bits of himself and just barely staying together, for over a month. This was going to be really tricky to accomplish with so many things setting them up for failure.

Luckily, they had solutions to some of the problems.

Part of why they were waiting for so long- and Casey could already feel the waiting period was going to kill him slowly- was because they needed the next major lightning storm that was coming up in a few days. April’s sixth sense for future stuff, plus the weather network, told them it would be just as powerful as the one when everything went down. April said that Donnie’s plan involved him using the ambient energy in the air to give him the boost to stay corporeal, long enough for April to grab him and bring him back to life. Basically, they were going to re-enact That Night in reverse, and pray to every god out there that it worked. Using the same stage, the same actors, and even the same props.

April, in a wavering, shameful voice, told them right after that… that they needed what remained of the crystal. To give her a boost on her end of things, which she was going to need, badly, since her powers were still recovering.

Casey hadn’t been able to believe his ears.

She still had it. She’d _kept it._

That little revelation had made the room go utterly silent, and brought a horrified sort of bile into Casey’s throat.

April ducked her head, hunching around herself. “I’m sorry,” She said, afraid and ashamed at the same time. “But it- I couldn’t just- I couldn’t just throw it away. Not after what I did. I- I needed to have something to remind me.”

The part of Casey that had been hurting badly after That Night flinched back, a feeling of betrayal following it. That stupid rock had cost them one of his best friends, _their_ best friends, and she’d still _kept it?_

The sweeping cyclone of conflicting feelings he’d felt right after Donnie’s not-death came back to him, strong as before. Shock, betrayal, hurt, anger… they all lodged in his throat with the bile and made him feel sick.

He didn’t even know how to properly express those things. So he’d stared at April, trying to mesh the unfamiliar girl in front of him with the one he’d trusted with his life. He hadn’t succeeded very well.

“…it is fortunate you did keep it, April,” Splinter said calmly, giving away no emotion in his voice. “This process will be easier for it.”

April mumbled an affirmation, and then ducked her head. No one else spoke, but Casey could practically feel the outrage radiating off Raph beside him. It looked like Leo and Mikey were feeling similarly.

Casey put his hands together, and gripped hard while the others finalized their plans.

Three days, starting in the morning. Then they’d try bringing Donnie back.

They separated after that, a solemn air having fallen over their group again with April’s umpteenth revelation. Raph had clapped Casey’s shoulder and drawn him into a firm hug, which was welcome after that night’s rollercoaster of emotions and events.

“Good to see you again,” Raph said, and Casey could hear the honesty in that statement.

“Good to see you, too,” Casey replied, holding his friend tight.

April had left without looking back at them, and Casey opted to take a different tunnel route than she was. Too many awkward and uncomfortable feelings were between them at the moment; he wanted to avoid that at least until he managed to find his cool again.

Casey went home to try sleeping. It didn’t work much, but he did try.

 

 

 

He decided to skip school, on the account of having gotten nearly zero hours of sleep and gone to bed after four AM on a school night. That decision might come back to bite him if a teacher chose to nit-pick _this_ day of truancy over all the others, but Casey really, really did not care. He had bigger problems than that sort of thing.

He did eventually drag himself out of bed somewhere in the afternoon, finally figuring that since the sun had disappeared behind the complexes he should probably make some attempt to be a functional human being. He realized it was nearly five in the evening, after blearily staring at his phone screen and not quite understanding the meaning of time or why his head hurt so much.

He only woke up because the door to his apartment slammed, and jolted him out of the twentieth not-nightmare, not-dream sequence he’d been stuck in. The sounds of feet stomping through the house meant that his sister was back from school. If he didn’t get up of his own power, she’d come and drag him out of bed herself.

_Ugh._

Casey kicked off his sheets and blanket, and pushed himself upwards into a sitting position. His head throbbed a bit as he did, which would likely be the low blood sugar making itself known. Ugh.

 _“Casey, you around?”_ His sister called from outside his shut door.

“I’m here,” Casey called back, finally getting on his feet and ignoring the sparks in his vision. He opened his door and yawned as he moved into the hallway. “You know what we’re havin’ for dinner tonight?”

“Mac’n’cheese!” His sister exclaimed from the kitchen.

“We had that _last night,_ though.”

“And we’re havin’ it again.”

“Do you know how to make _anything_ besides mac’n’cheese?”

“Yes, but I’m too lazy to and so are you.”

Well, she had him there.

Casey wandered into the bathroom, stepping over the dirty clothes pile in it to reach the old sink. He ran the taps lukewarm, splashing water onto his face. He hadn’t had energy for a shower last night, so fear sweat and other grime was still sticking all over his body. It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but he’d had worse. He’d probably leave it at least until tomorrow, since he was really feeling like a good patrol tonight. Punching people always made things better, that much he was still certain of.

Casey glanced up into the mirror, looking at his own complexion. Which wasn’t all that good. A month of grieving kind of killed a guy’s effort to look nice, or remember to do more than shower sometimes.

And his eyes were bloodshot, too. Great. Plus sleepless bags and a general air of exhaustion… ugh. Not his best look ever.

The hollow looks of April, and the brothers, and even master Splinter floated through his mind. They hadn’t looked much better than he did now. Grief seemed to do that to a person.

Casey splashed some more water on his face, trying to scrub the events of last night off himself. It was too soon after waking up to think about any of it, so he wasn’t going to.

He dug out his toothbrush and some toothpaste, and set to removing the sweaters on his remaining teeth. He’d been way, way too tired to do much more than struggle into his PJ’s last night. Brushing anything had just not been on the menu.

He was slowly starting to fully wake up as he carefully brushed the gums where his missing teeth had been, when a cold electric shock went up his spine.

Casey nearly choked on the foam in his mouth, and hurriedly spat it out, pulse suddenly doing double time.

The sensation went up his spine again, and he felt the temperature drop to uncomfortable levels. His thin sleep shirt was useless to combat the icy feelings in the air, and he shivered for multiple reasons.

Shit.

No way, right?

The feeling of something pushing at his consciousness started up, and Casey’s dropped his toothbrush in the sink. He threw open the bathroom door, stepping back out into the hallway and looking around rapidly.

Nothing, until he felt eyes on the back of his head, towards the kitchen, and Casey whirled.

Donnie stared back at him.

Casey might’ve made a totally manly sounding yelp. He nearly slipped on the laundry in the hallway, feet unsure of which direction he was aiming for here.

He stared at Donnie for a long moment, pulse still thrumming in his ears as his not-dead friend floated inches off the floor of his apartment. Standing out like the weird grey-green ghost he was in a completely normal setting.

Casey finally shook off his shock, and the fear that’d started clawing at him dissipated a bit. They’d just gone over this last night; this was still Donnie, undead or not, and being afraid screwed everything up beyond reason.

Even if the mostly see-through thing was still a _thing_ , and the air felt too cold and too crowded at the same time. And a bunch of feelings that weren’t his were pressing at the edges of Casey’s consciousness, which was kind of _annoying as fuck,_ just like last time _._

“Why are you in my house?” Casey whispered accusingly, glancing nervously past/through his friend. “Donnie, what the _fuck_ are you doing in my house?”

“Casey? Who you talking to?”

Donnie slowly turned his head towards Casey’s sister’s voice, leaving blurry afterimages as he did. Yeah, that wasn’t any less disconcerting than the last time Casey had seen it.

Casey cast a look again down the hall, fear creeping back into him. “Don’t you dare,” Casey whispered. “Don’t you _dare_ involve her with this shit.”

The lights above them flickered once, and his sister said, “Casey, the coffeemaker isn’t working again. Did you mess with it?”

Donnie slowly turned back to Casey, his body dragging through the air as he did. He kept staring, as blank eyed and expressionless as he always seemed to be whenever he wasn’t freaking out.

“Casey? Seriously, what did you do to the coffeemaker.”

Any second now, his sister was going to come around the corner and Casey wasn’t sure he could explain what was happening even if he tried.

“What do you even want?” Casey hissed under his breath, inching cautiously towards Donnie.

His friend stared at him- god, would it kill the guy to show a little expression?- and the lights flickered again, but this time through the whole apartment.

His sister’s voice got irritated. “What the hell? The power better not go out, I have homework to do.”

Donnie drifted towards Casey, smearing his form as he did. Which was kind of cool, but mostly scary to see. Casey nearly took a step backwards, because it’d hurt a lot to touch Donnie last time and he wasn’t eager to experience insta-frostbite all over again-

His thoughts cut off as a bunch of insistent emotions shoved their way into his skull.

A lot of worry, a lot of urgency, mostly a repetitive sense of needing to go somewhere _now now now now nownownownow-_

“ _Jesus!”_ Casey stumbled away from Donnie, slapping his hands over his ears and pressing hard on his skull. “Donnie, what the _hell?!”_

“Casey, who the hell are you talking to??”

Donnie just stared at him, being the inscrutable asshole he’d become lately, and then the lights went down. They came back up as the feelings/foreign sensations removed themselves from Casey’s brain and spine, and Donnie had vanished.

Casey’s sister made an annoyed noise in the kitchen, and slapped something. Then she said, “Oh hey, that last power surge fixed the coffeemaker. Cool.”

And Casey let out a harsh breath, leaning heavily on the shut door of his dad’s room. The instruction for him to go somewhere- out of his apartment out of his neighborhood- remained in the fringes of his head, and Casey had a feeling they’d stay there until he listened.

He’d been awake for maybe ten minutes. God.

And it was still too early to call any of the other brothers. God _dammnit._

Casey rubbed a hand over his face, feeling like he needed another fifteen hours of sleep before going out and dealing with whatever new problem needed his attention. He had a sinking feeling he wasn’t going to get those hours.

“I’m going out,” He said to his sister as he passed, once he’d tracked down mostly clean jeans and his jacket.

“What about dinner?” She asked, poking her head around the corner to watch him head for the door.

Casey kicked her shoes off his, grabbing the converse and shoving his feet into them. “Dunno how long I’ll be out, just put it in the Tupperware for me. Tell dad I got my phone if he needs me.”

“Aw, but we were going to marathon the Food Network again.”

“Sorry,” Casey said truthfully, finishing half-assing his laces and opening to the door. “I have some shit I can’t put off.”

His sister audibly rolled her eyes at him, and went back into the kitchen. “Just don’t do anything too far on the side of stupid, ‘kay?”

“You got it,” He replied, and shut the door behind him.

So the brothers and their dad would still be asleep right now, and it was daylight, which would mean texting them to come pick up their spooky brother would be useless. And April was… out of the question, plus Casey didn’t want this mess anywhere near his little sister…

Which left him having to deal with things on his own. And he’d been awake for maybe twenty minutes. Amazing how his luck was going lately.

Casey followed the back staircase of his apartment complex, exiting into the alley behind it. He shrugged on his coat as he did, since the weather was heading towards fall. And lo, just like his hunch had felt he would be, Donnie was in that alleyway.

Now that he’d had a few minutes to get over his shock, Casey regarded his friend with nothing more than his usual annoyance.

“We had a deal, asshole,” Casey said to his ghost of a friend. “You guys keep your shit out of my family’s life, no exceptions. I don’t care if you’re a poltergeist right now, you don’t mess with my sis or dad. Period.”

Donnie frowned ever so slightly, the most emotion he’d shown the whole time. He opened his black hole of a mouth- god it was so weird to see nothing but _black_ inside it- and made a whining, fluctuating series of sounds. All of it coming out garbled and full of static.

Casey side, and brushed off the goosebumps those sounds made appear across his skin. “Look, I haven’t even been awake a full half hour yet. What do you want that’s so important you show up here?”

And there was the rush of feelings that weren’t his, and the insistent _now now now now_ command again.

“Now you stop that,” Casey said, pointing one finger at Donnie.

Donnie stared at him, somehow conveying utter stubbornness without even showing expression.

Casey grumbled, and dug out the packet inside his coat. “Even when you’re dead you’re annoying,” He pulled out a cigarette, holding it between his teeth while he tried to find his lighter. He finally did, and as he flicked the flame open, Donnie made an ear piercing whine. Casey nearly dropped his cigarette, staring at his friend who was now frowning for real at him.

“What? Is it the smoking?”

Donnie’s whole form blurred and Casey’s cigarette flew out of his mouth.

“Wha- _dude,_ do you fucking mind?” Casey reached down to grab his smoke, only for it to fly even further across the alley- right into a puddle. Casey stood back up slowly, giving Donnie as flat a look as the mutant was giving him. “Wow, real mature, Don.”

Donnie’s mouth didn’t move this time, but there was that static filled whine in the air that made Casey’s skin get goosebumps all over again. Clearly he didn’t approve of Casey’s new habit.

Casey took out his packet again, glaring at Donnie as he pulled out another cigarette. “Look, you died, it sucked, and I picked up smoking so I felt like less of a shit than I sometimes did. What did you _expect_ me to do? Take up knitting?”

His new cigarette flew out of his hands before he was even done pulling it free.

Casey glared at Donnie. Donnie stared back, now very obviously pretending he didn’t have emotions.

“Okay, that’s gonna get old real fast.”

In the place of what had been chilly fear like the last time they’d met, Casey swore he felt humor pushing at the edge of his mind. He shoved a cigarette into his mouth and clamped his teeth around it just to spite Donnie; doing so quick enough he got it to light and fill his mouth the taste of nicotine.

Donnie made it hard though, since the temperature and wind around Casey dropped and fluxed rapidly as he tried to light the stick. Donnie made another push of irritated emotions at Casey’s own, and blinked two feet closer like something out of _Paranormal Activity_.

It didn’t faze Casey. He was over the horror movie shtick.

“You complete jackass,” Casey said, walking away from his floating friend without looking backwards. He was smiling as he did, though.

Sort of dead or not, this was almost normalcy for them. He’d missed this, and he was pretty sure Donnie knew that.

Casey kept walking as he smoked, because for one he needed takeout something fierce, and for another the pushing need to be somewhere a ways from his home was back. Obviously Donnie was still tagging along, connecting himself to Casey’s emotions without asking permission first, and adding his own, also without permission first.

The streetlights he passed under flickered on and off, despite it being a few hours before they were supposed to come on. One or two produced sparks, which Casey ducked away from as they did. They did it especially as he turned opposite of the direction Donnie was pushing him towards.

The _now now now now NOW_ feeling got louder, and Casey put a middle finger up at thin air. “Back off, I haven’t eaten in forever. I’m getting a god damn taco before we go anywhere else.”

One of the streetlights exploded, about ten feet ahead of them on the main street. The few other people walking on the sidewalk flinched at its swift death, and Casey just flipped off his invisible friend a second time.

He swore Donnie was grumbling in the back of his head, and that just made Casey grin.

 

 

 

Shortly after getting a hold of that taco he’d been craving, Casey finally gave in and followed the direction Donnie wanted him to go. The demands that he go _NOW_ were actually getting pretty hard to handle, since it just got louder the longer he ignored it, so Casey ended up walking faster than he otherwise would have.

He finished his taco just before he realized whose neighborhood they were in. A few minutes later, he stood in front of the apartment complex he’d been avoiding for weeks.

“Seriously, Donnie?” Casey asked aloud.

The stoop lights flickered rapidly, and Donnie appeared for a brief moment under them, then vanishing again.

A mass of uncomfortable feelings rose up in Casey’s stomach, all sorts of unresolved tension and issues making him freeze in place.

Donnie shoved invisibly at him, and Casey’s cursed briefly as he stumbled. Then he sighed, and went to buzz himself in.

Mr. O’Neil sounded really surprised as he answered and let Casey into the building; it sounded like he was the first person to contact April at all in a long while. That put a sour feeling in Casey’s gut as he went up the stairway to April’s apartment, mixing with the already uncomfortable feelings Donnie was still shoving at him.

“Hey, long time no see,” Casey said as Kirby opened the door.

“Yes… it has been a while,” Kirby replied, eyeing Casey with slight confusion. “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

“I was up past four and ended up part of a séance all night. I’m lucky I even moved before seven.”

Kirby’s expression displayed all sorts of questions at that explanation.

“So, anyway, our not-quite-dead ghost friend told me I had to come here and see April, so if you don’t mind-” Casey walked past Kirby, not bothering to take off his shoes. “-thanks for having me in.”

“Uh. Sure?"

The lights through the whole house flickered, and Casey ignored the concerned noises Kirby made at that. He had a mission now, since Donnie was really, _really_ insistent he go find April right that second. The longer Donnie remained connected, the clearer the emotions became.

There was a lot of worry going on Donnie’s end of things, and it wasn’t helping the nerves Casey was getting at confronting April on his own.

He knocked on April’s bedroom door, which he knew the location of from their study session in her home. No answer came, so he said, “Yo April, you in there? Donnie’s kind of bugging me to check in on you.”

Still no answer, so Casey cautiously started to open it without looking inside. No one yelled at him for doing so, so he risked a glance.

April’s room was empty, the bed unmade and basically everything else just as messy. The last time he’d seen it, it’d been just on the side of that. Now it looked like a tornado had gone through it.

That wasn’t a good sign for things, and neither was the open window out to the fire escape.

“God damn it,” Casey muttered, crossing the room climbing outside. Donnie’s presence in the back of his head gave another push; gentle agreement to Casey’s actions and opinion of things.

Casey found exactly who he’d been looking for, right on the rooftop of the complex.

April was standing by the ledge, leaning on it and staring out at the cityscape. The short hair was still weird to see, especially with how choppy it was. The thick hoodie she had on only made her seem smaller, along with that haircut.

For a moment, the bitter part of Casey wanted to walk away. He didn’t feel ready to see April and he didn’t even know what he would say here. He had a lot of mixed feelings about her, about what had happened, about _everything-_ and facing her on his own drew a lot of those feelings to the surface.

But, Donnie was still being insistent, and he’d already walked away from her once before.

Casey dropped off the fire escape onto the roof, his shoes making plenty of noise as he approached. April didn’t try to move away, and Casey took that as a sign that he wasn’t completely unwelcome.

“So… hey,” He said, coming to lean on the stone beside her.

“…why are you here?” April asked in a hoarse voice, not looking at him.

Casey was looking at her though, and he grimaced at the redness of her eyes. “Probably because you’re not doing so well, and Donnie got worried.”

That got her attention, April’s still damp eyes turning to him with shock. “What?”

“I’m not kidding. He came into my house and bullied me all the way here. Kept putting out my damn smokes, too.”

April stared at him like she couldn’t understand what Casey was saying.

The telephone and TV cables going into the building shook together in the wind, sparking a couple times. Casey pointed at them. “See? He’s still here, micromanaging my life from beyond.”

“…why though?” April asked, glancing between him and the cables. She gave Casey a wary look, nervous. “Aren’t you both… mad at me? Or... scared?”

Casey grimaced deeper. Boy was that ever a loaded set of questions. How was he supposed to answer those- was there even a right answer to them?

_Stall for time._

He pulled out his cigarettes. April’s eyebrows went up and her expression of misery turned to confusion.

“You smoke?” April asked, eyeing the packet.

“Recently, yeah,” Casey lit the tip of his cigarette, and took a slow breath in-

-only for it fly out of his mouth and hand, tumbling in a freefall to the street below.

Casey choked on the smoke in his throat, caught off guard. “-for _fuck’s sake, Donnie.”_

April made a choked sound of her own. “Did he- did he just-?”

“Yeah, he did, because he’s an undead asshole who can’t mind his own damn _business,”_ Casey put a middle finger up at the air around them, moving it side to side since he didn’t know exactly where Donnie was at the moment. “I’ll quit smoking when you quit being _dead,_ Don, so fuck off!”

A vicious wind, cold as hell’s fury, suddenly blew right into Casey’s face. He spluttered, eyes stinging as he wiped at them.

April burst into laughter.

She kept laughing, even as Casey stared at her. She kept laughing and laughing, until she started wiping at her cheeks, and the laughter turned into crying.

“Hey- no, don’t do that,” Casey said, panicking a little. “No crying, that’s- it’s just Donnie being an asshole, and me being an idiot, and…”

 _“I missed you,”_ April said, hiccupping and laughing even as she wiped at her eyes. “God, I missed both of you _so much-”_

She hiccupped, and covered her eyes. “And I ruined that, I’m so sorry. I killed him and I ruined _everything._ How can- how can you even be here? Why are _either of you_ here right now? I’m- I’m a monster.”

“What- no! You’re not a monster. Jesus, April, why would you even-”

“I am, I am and this is all my fault. I gave in and I let her _kill him,_ Casey. I gave in and Donnie’s dead because I wasn’t strong enough-”

“-and we’re getting him back!” Casey exclaimed, because he couldn’t take hearing that stuff anymore. “We have a plan, and he’s right here right now, and we’re _getting him back!_ Nothing’s ruined- we just have some. Stuff. To fix.  But we will, and he’ll be… fine,” Casey felt a drop in temperature around them, and a quiet buzz of electricity somewhere outside his vision. “Donnie’ll be fine. I know you’ll be able to pull this off and I know that once he’s back, things will work out.”

“I still killed him,” April said, lowering her hands slowly, her voice low and hoarse. “I’m still the one who did that. It was _my_ _powers_ , and just because Za’naron helped doesn’t change that. I’m still a m-monster for it.”

Casey shook his head. “You’re not a monster, April. You’re just… you’re just you, and a lot of fucked up shit caused this to happen. It’s not entirely your… fault.” And in saying that, Casey admitted the truth of that to himself as well.

He’d been blaming April almost exclusively, but it wasn’t entirely her fault. None of this was one person’s fault. It was a lot of events that’d lined up and knocked each other over… and then they’d all fallen with them.

April shook her head, wiping the tears dry on her cheeks. “That’s nice of you to say, but you’re wrong. I should’ve been able to tell someone was in my head, and I should’ve been able to stop my stupid fucking addiction to that _crystal,”_ She hissed the word, a spark of her temper rising to the surface right before she doused it; shoulders slumping as she did. “I should’ve gotten rid of it long before any of this happened.”

“…I should’ve been able to tell something was wrong,” Casey said, reaching out to take April’s hand. Her fingers were cold, and he squeezed them tight. “You’re one of my best friends, and I didn’t even notice you weren’t yourself. What kind of person does that make me? I couldn’t stop you and I couldn’t save Donnie.” He laughed self-deprecatingly. During that whole traumatizing experience, she hadn’t even looked at him. Casey had stood in front of her, screamed her name and did his best to bring her back- and April hadn’t noticed him at all. “I wasn’t even a blip on your radar, you just- blew right past me like nothing. I was fucking _useless_ , not noticing anything and not being able to put up even a fight- and, fuck, neither did any of his brothers. None of us noticed _anything_ \- and Donnie paid for it. You’re not the only who screwed up, April. I think… I think we all did.”

“Doesn’t matter,” She said quietly, not squeezing back- but not letting go either. “They all hate me, and they _should._ You should hate me too, Casey. I know… I know Donnie hates me. I felt it.”

“Then why’d he make me come here?” Casey asked, and he knew April was also feeling that buzzing not quite there presence around them. “If he really hates you- which I really, really doubt, if I know anything about the guy- then why’d he make me speed walk all the way to this roof?”

April pursed her lips in a tight line, clear refusal to believe anything else. “He does, he _has to._ ”

Casey glanced away from her, looking around for Donnie. Their friend didn’t appear conveniently to refute April’s statement, but the presence around them didn’t vanish either. Casey wasn’t sure what to make of that at all.

“…you can ask him yourself when we get him back, okay? Until then, stop tellin’ yourself he hates you. Or that I do. Because I don’t.”

 _“_ But _\- how?”_ April burst out. “How _can’t you?”_

“Because I _don’t,_ ” Casey insisted. “I mean, I was angry for a long while there- but I think I was mostly angry with myself, not just with you. I couldn’t do anything to stop what was happening, and then Donnie was gone, and I just- I didn’t know what to think anymore. So I got angry. I got angry and did a lot of stupid shit because of it- like ignoring all of you and staying stuck up in my own head- but I don’t hate you, okay? I don’t think… I don’t think I can.”

April was crying again, shaking her head harder. “You can’t- you _can’t_ forgive me. I don’t deserve it, _I_ should have been the one who died, not him!”

“ _No one_ should have died,” Casey said, because losing either of his friends would’ve done the same thing to him. “This- this whole thing is one big fucking mess and _no one_ should have had to die because of it.”

“It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.”

“It’s _our_ fault, not just yours. We all fucked up, we _all_ fucked up, and we’re gonna fix it. No more thinking any of us were supposed to die, alright? I can’t. I can’t do that again.”

He couldn’t take adding another pit right next to the one Donnie left; he’d already spent over a month feeling like just the one was sucking the life out of him. He couldn’t do that twice. Not with April, not with any of his friends. He couldn’t take another loss like that.

“Now who’s crying?” April said with a bitter laugh.

Casey let out a bitter laugh of his own, and the sound sort of hurt. He scrubbed at his eyes with one hand, making a gross snorting sound that earned a watery smile from April. “Hey, you’re the one who started it. This- this one’s on you.”

April finally squeezed back against his grip, and Casey tightened their joint hold as well.

“…I don’t deserve forgiveness,” April whispered. “I don’t even deserve to be alive.”

That made Casey’s eyes sting for a different reason. “I think you’re wrong about that.”

April gave him an exhausted, wavering smile. _“You’re_ the one who’s wrong, but… I missed you, Jones.”

“I missed you too, Red,” Casey said, giving his own tired smile. “And I’m not wrong. Not this time.”

An ice cold wind blew against the back of his neck, and Casey shivered. But, as a contrast, a gentle and nearly warm flow of emotions followed it. April shivered as well, but didn’t seem scared like she’d been last night. Just tired and pale, but winding down from the misery she’d had earlier. From how it seemed, Donnie had heard every single word of their conversation.

 _Miss you too, Donnie,_ Casey thought to himself. He was pretty sure Donnie got the message, since the foreign feelings increased momentarily, and then dissipated.

“…I think he left,” April said after a few moments. Then she sighed. “I don’t know how I’m going to face him, if we get him back.”

“ _When_ we get him back,” Casey corrected. “We’re getting him back even if _I’m_ the one who has to drag his sorry ass back into existence.”

April scoffed, but it was a fond sound. “You know, somehow I don’t doubt you’d find a way to do that.”

“Good, because I would. But I won’t have to, ‘cause you’re doing it yourself.”

April’s expression wavered. “I don’t know how you can have so much confidence in this. I already wrecked things once, what if I do it again?”

“Look, that asshole is gone now, Za’naron got punched out of existence and _you’re the one who did that,”_ Casey remembered seeing it happen, which even among all the gripping horror that Donnie was _dead_ and April had been _possessed,_ it had been really cool to see. A straight out of fiction kind of showdown. “No one else is in your head this time. You got this, April. I know you do.”

April looked away from him, eyes damp. “I hope so, _god_ I hope so.”

Well, if she didn’t believe in herself, then Casey would. They couldn’t afford for her to fail, and he was confident that the old April was still in this one. She’d make it happen, somehow, and he’d help her if he could.

This time, he wouldn’t stand by and be useless. He’d support her, and they’d save Donnie.

No more losing, no more loss.

“C’mon, let’s go in,” Casey said, tugging April away from the ledge. “I’m getting a little cold.”

“…yeah, okay, let’s go inside,” April said, glancing backwards at it as they went. Casey kept hold of her hand as they left, almost feeling like if he let go she’d disappear.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got kind of lengthy because A) i love writing casey, and B) because these three needed some reconciliation, even just a little bit. (i hate canon for robbing me of their friendship so much. pls bring it back, they're all really close and i love them and their relationship/dynamic.)
> 
> so we're getting close to the end here, almost ready for the big climax. hope y'all are ready for that, it's gonna be a doozy. (and then we're going to have the events following this disaster, and it'll just be the loveliest amounts of hurt/comfort, joy le joy.)


	12. Interlude.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not entirely canon, but who's to say it /won't/ be?
> 
> idk. this is mostly bc a friend of mine has been sick the last while, and i wanted to brighten her day with her favorite characters being dumb friends together, even with their current circumstances.

Casey had been a hundred percent right about how agonizing it was going to be, waiting for the plan to come into effect. Barely two days in, and he was starting to really wonder if it was possible to grab time by the collar and _make_ _it_ go faster.

At the moment, that remained something he personally couldn’t do. Cue him skulking around his apartment, nursing a frustrated and nervous mood.

He was stuck in the weird zone during the day where he was _close_ to when he friends started waking up, but not close enough he could call or drop by without cutting short their sleep. His sister was at a friend’s apartment, his dad was at work for a few more hours… usually this would be an ideal time to chill out and have the television to himself, but at the moment he just felt squirrely and useless.

He stared at the digital numbers on the clock, set on top of their VCR player.

_Time. Move faster. For the love of god._

Time didn’t comply.

Casey sighed, and put an arm over his eyes. Flopped across the whole of their shitty old couch, even with the drone of mindless television in the background, he couldn’t relax more than a little bit. Too much was happening lately, but also not enough was happening.

It was a little hard to properly chill out, knowing one of your closest buds was stuck between life and death 24/7 and another was looking too close to that for comfort.

Maybe he should go find some Cheetos. Cheetos made everything better, for however long the bag lasted.

Casey decided that would be a good plan, and rolled himself off the couch and onto his feet.

A spine tingling shiver went up his spine; right to his brain and through his skull.

Casey froze.

Static started to cover up whatever the game show host had been saying; garbling the words and whining through the speakers.

He slowly turned around.

Donnie’s blank eyed face stared at him from inside the television screen, shorting out the picture and filling the whole TV with pixels.

Casey stared at his friend.

“…dude, _really?_ ” He gestured at Donnie’s disembodied self inside his electronics. “With the haunting again? I thought you were over that stuff.”

Donnie didn’t answer, but the channel behind his head changed. Jaunty jazz music started playing, but slowed down and warped in parts so the saxophone sounded just plain creepy.

Casey rolled his eyes. “Oh ha ha ha, yeah real funny. I’m getting some Cheetos. You better get out of that thing by the time I’m back, because if you break my family’s television so help me.”

His friend’s image blurred on the screen, and for a moment Casey swore Donnie was sticking his tongue out at him.

Casey rolled his eyes again, and went to find his processed cheese snack.

It figured that when he opened the cupboard, the bag exploded in his face and sent orange dust everywhere.

The television channel changed a second time, playing a laugh track loudly from the living room.

Fucking poltergeists.

Casey wiped his face off with a grumble, rescued what Cheetos were salvageable enough to put in a bowl, and returned to the living room.

“Donnie, whenever you’re corporeal again I’m gonna- oh no you don’t- don’t do that, for fuck’s sake-” Casey sighed, and covered his greasy feeling face. “Donnie. Come on. That’s just freaky looking and kind of dumb.”

He peeked through his fingers.

Yep. Donnie was still hauling himself out of Casey’s television  _The_ _Ring_  style.

Fucking. Poltergeists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *confetti* forget your emotionally crippling grievances for a little while with cheetos and ghost shenanigans. works like a charm!


	13. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not dead??? holy shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> owed to my friend hotmilkytea on tumblr, bc i told her to pick a fic of mine for me to write for, and she picked this one that i haven't touched since.... fucking august 2017 oh yikes.
> 
> anyways, short and sweet and painful here we go.

Raph lay on his back, flat on his bed while his best friend talked in his ear via the t-phone Raph held to the side of his head. Casey, against as sense and self-preservation, had apparently followed his ghostly brother to _April’s_ home of all places.

First thing about that was Donnie _wanting_ to be around April, period. Or being concerned about her wellbeing for that matter. Given the lightshow he’d put on when they tried to get in contact with him, Raph had thought Donnie shared his opinions on April at least a little.

The second thing about the whole story was _Casey_ wanting to be around April. Old crush or not, April was literally the most dangerous person in New York. And if she could kill Donnie, who’d been her friend at least a year longer than Casey and utterly devoted to the human girl, then she could kill anybody.

A part of Raph was trying to flare up in protective anger, but another part… was just dully tired of doing that. He’d spent so much of his energy on those emotions lately, he was halfway to the point of just not anymore. Instead of getting irate and furious, he could coast until they finally fixed things.

Shame he tended to listen to the former choice more than the latter.

“And you just _talked?”_ he asked, incredulous that after everything that happened, _that_ was Casey’s choice of action.

“ _For like, the rest of the day, yeah,”_ Casey confirmed. “ _It was…”_

“Terrible? Triggering? Insensitive to my family’s situation?”

“ _Dude, it was fine. A little sad sometimes, but otherwise just us talking about normal shit. Lay off her, Raph, she’s been through a lot.”_

“ _She’s_ been?” Raph snapped. It was so very easy to listen to the angry part. “Donnie’s my _brother._ He’s part of _my_ family, not hers! She _killed him,_ and you’re saying I should just- feel sorry for her about that? _”_

“ _Raph, come on-”_

“No, you come on! Like _oh,_ really sorry that you had to murder my brother! Must’ve been a real fucking hardship for you! Lemme just cry you a river to wash off the _blood_ on your hands-!”

“ _Fuck you!”_ Casey shouted into the phone, cutting Raph off. “ _You think it was_ easy _for her to wake up and find out she killed him? She wasn’t in control of her actions, dumbass, it’s no different than you and the mind worm thing-”_

“I DIDN’T KILL MY BROTHERS,” Raph roared, sitting upright in his bed and clutching the phone tightly. “There’s a hell of a difference between me trying to stab Leo a few times and April _VAPORIZING Donnie-”_

_“She didn’t fucking mean to-!”_

“-oh _excuse me,_ let me haul out an award for _not actually meaning to kill someone,_ guess you’re not as much of a monster for doing it if you didn’t _mean to-_ ”

 “ _-she was basically on a fucking LEDGE, Raph, literally on the roof of her fucking apartment- if you think for a second she hasn’t been feeling like absolute garbage over this, you’re seriously-”_

“-that doesn’t change that _Donnie’s dead_ and she’s the one who fucking _did it_ and you’re telling me I should feel sorry for the person who didn’t even have the god damn self-control to _not murder someone-_ ”

_“-WE SHOULD HAVE NOTICED SOMETHING WAS WRONG BEFORE IT CAME TO THAT!”_

Raph stopped, the rest of his angry rant dying in his throat. Casey went silent on the phone line, and the words hung heavy in the air between them.

“ _We… we should have noticed, man,”_ Casey said, quieter in voice, achingly sadder in tone. “ _She’s our friend, and we just… we didn’t even try to figure out what was going on. She had this whole- fucking- this entire other_ thing _in her head, and we didn’t know anything about it growing there. What kind of god damn friends are we, if we didn’t see her getting turned into this whole new person?”_

Abruptly, the burning fury left him, and Raph just felt cold and exhausted. Grief like this hurt like nothing else, deep and throbbing. The grief of losing his brother eclipsed nearly everything, but if he were honest…

There was grief about being betrayed by his first friend, too. And that was a deep, childish pain he hadn’t wanted to admit to having.

His very first friend; April, who wasn’t his brother, not someone not automatically obligated to stick around and like him at least a little. Someone who’d wanted him around just because she did. His little brother; who he hadn’t been a single day without for as long as he could remember, and had missed with unending grief since Donnie died. His fellow middle sibling, who never failed to come through.

What kind of choice was that supposed to be? How was he supposed to figure out who hurt the most, whose absence or betrayal was slowly breaking his family apart worse?

“…he’s my brother,” Raph said, a miserable ache inside him twinging sharply. “I can’t just forgive her for killing him.” He chose Donnie, he’d always have to choose Donnie, his brother and family and someone he’d always had, through the worst and the best of their lives.

But April had been their family, too, when it came down to it. One of theirs, someone who stuck with them, and maybe cared about them just as much as Raph and his brothers did for her. The very first real friend any of them ever had.

“ _And she’s our friend,”_ Casey said, sounding tired like he never was and echoing Raph’s thought. Casey sounded regretful, too. To the point his voice dropped even quieter.

“ _We… we shouldn’t have let her_ or _Donnie down like that. He tried to warn us, ‘member? He could tell. He knew something was wrong and he was trying to… help her, you know?”_

Raph closed his eyes, listing sideways on his bed to rest against the cold stone wall. Donnie had tried, at least a few times, to speak up about them trying to learn more about April’s powers, about the crystal she’d brought back, about… a lot of little things that when Raph looked back, didn’t fit April’s personality at all.

“…I know,” he whispered, and wished for the millionth time he actually listened when Donnie would talk about those things. About anything.

Raph eyes opened again when he heard something like an aborted sniffle. He waited, and heard it again.

“Casey?”

“ _I should’ve noticed,”_ Casey said, soft and pained. “ _I should’ve listened to Donnie and I should’ve noticed somethin’ was really wrong with April. She’s… she’s my best friend, Raph. I mean, best human friend, right?”_ He made a croaky laugh. Raph didn’t. “ _I saw her pretty much every day, and then at night… didn’t see a thing.”_

“I didn’t, either,” Raph admitted, and… yeah, he was starting to see what Casey was talking about.

 _“We fucked up, Raph. We all fucked up, and now Don’s dead and she’s… April was on the_ roof. _The fucking roof.”_

Raph took a slow breath, finally taking in that bit of information Casey had told him already, and didn’t think too far down the path that image presented. “Did she… you know, seem like she’d…?”

Casey sniffled, without trying to hide it, and said, “ _I don’t know. She didn’t wanna talk about it. God, Raph, I’m. I’m scared for her, okay? I’m really scared for her.”_

Raph scrubbed his eyes, and for the first time in what felt like forever, felt scared for April, too.

He didn’t want to admit it, didn’t want to give up just being angry at her and leaving it at that. But… Casey was right.

They should have noticed. Everything aside, April had been someone they trusted and cared for. And when she needed them most, they didn’t bother to look past the surface of her problems.

And look where that got them.

“We’ll figure it out,” he said, and prayed with every inch of his being that was going to be true. “We got a plan, and we’ll… work from there, once it’s done.”

“ _…bet Donnie would’ve known how to. Stupid… genius nonsense, swooping in at the last minute to save the day. Annoying as hell.”_

“High praise, comin’ from you,” Raph said, with something close to a smile trying to tug at his lips. “I thought you hated him.”

“ _Nah, just when he was still an asshole to me. He got more tolerable,”_ Casey said in a half-hearted joke. _“I mean, he’s_ still _an asshole to me, even as a damn poltergeist, but… he’s Donnie, right? He’s… somethin’.”_

Raph blinked slowly, eyes stinging still and remembering a handful of ordinary interactions he’d had with his brother over the years. An argument about who ate the last poptart and both denying it was them. Pretending to be focused during patrol and actually sarcastically imitating Leo behind his back. Raph and their other two brothers begging Donnie to fix the television (again) after a Mario Kart disagreement (again). Donnie spending hours after the mind worm incident making _certain_ there was no possible way for it to have any further effect on him, by Raph’s quiet and somewhat desperate request.

(“ _It’s gone, Raph. I promise. And if you… if you think it isn’t, just come find me again. I’ll make sure it is.”_

_“And you’re positive it’s gone? Like, it didn’t l-lay eggs, or anything?”_

_“No eggs, no residual sign of foreign infiltration whatsoever to your nervous system. You’re clean, don’t worry. I’d bet my medical expertise on it.”_

_“That’s all self-learned, Don.”_

_“Kept you alive this long, haven’t I?”_

_“…okay, you have. Thanks, for, uh. For all that, and this.”_

_“What are brothers for, if not to be dragged out of bed at two in the afternoon?”_ )

Raph remembered Donnie had said that with a smile, and then added, _“Just get me up again if you need to. It’s not like I sleep much anyway.”_

Raph had slept a lot easier, after that.

“…yeah,” Raph said, hurting in his chest, but not quite the way he had been before. “He kinda is really something.”

Casey made a soft grunt in agreement, and they shared a moment of quiet.

The lights in Raph’s room then flickered, and he looked up to watch the lamp and ceiling light dim and lighten. There was no spine tingling sensation of fear to follow, but there was… definitely something.

Casey coughed, clearing his throat and audibly making a show of doing something on the other line. “ _Jesus, this day has just been a rollercoaster, emotional whiplash like every two seconds. I’m gonna go find my sister and force her to let me hug her. We’ll talk later, ‘kay?”_

“Sure,” Raph answered absently, watching his lamp and all the corners of his room closely. “Text me when you get a chance.”

 _“Will do,”_ Casey replied, and there was the sound of him walking around in his home. “ _Hey, sis, hold still and lemme just-”_

Raph’s friend hung up the phone, just as his sister started to protest the abrupt lanky armed hug of her brother. Raph hung up as well, standing up from his bed and going to open his bedroom door.

Outside was quiet, and none of the lights in the lair seemed to be flickering at all. Raph still felt dissipating tension in the air though, and said quietly, “Hey… Donnie? Is that you?”

No answer, not even weird freaky light action. The lair was a little chilly, but it always was. Raph stepped out of his room, debating if he should look around more or stop trying to see his brother in every single electrical malfunction in their home.

No one was around to make him feel embarrassed for it, so he went for a casual stroll around his home looking for signs of Donnie.

Raph tried to make himself to be as calm as his pace. They’d gone over this already, disembodied spirit or not this was just his brother… albeit a lot odder than usual. Fear and negative emotions made Donnie unstable, which he fed back to them since they were all freakily connected like that, and blah blah blah awful scary painful things would happen. Leo had drilled that into them all at least a dozen times before he let them go, after all that was figured out. And that was only after Splinter had finished his bit on things before Leo.

Raph knew what he was supposed to do, and he really, sincerely did not want to cause Donnie any worse pain than he already was in. Maybe Raph wasn’t perfect when it came to controlling his emotions, but just this once he’d be absolutely set on succeeding.

Donnie was already a collection of sentient molecules trapped in constant agony. The least Raph could do was avoid sending him into a fear-rage-pain panic attack combo.

Knowing what he was dealing with, and _how_ he was supposed to deal with it, made it a lot easier for Raph to rein in any negativity from himself. He might slip up in big ways sometimes, but he wasn’t uncontrollable. He could keep a level head when he really needed to.

Mostly.

He’d do it this time for sure.

Moving through his home, he saw no further sign of flickering lights. Raph, despite what an inglorious disaster the last time had been, found himself sighing; disappointed Donnie wasn’t actually here in the lair.

Then he noticed the lab doors were open.

It took him a while, since… he was used to them being at least slightly open. So Donnie could hear what was happening outside the lab, or to indicate he wouldn’t snap too badly at someone coming into his space. Often it was only the former.

But it shouldn’t be open, because Donnie wasn’t exactly using his lab at the moment. Raph cautiously moved to investigate, treading lightly to trick his brain into being calm. Like this was just a regular mission, an easy one hunting Purple Dragons, and there for no reason at all to feel even a shred of unease.

Raph looked inside the lab, and found it empty and well lit. Another thing out of the ordinary, but it lacked the air of poltergeist shenanigans to it. Raph stood in the doorway, deciding he was getting to be too hopeful and paranoid at the same time, until he heard a very soft sound.

He listened. And there it was again.

Walking into the lab, weaving around the tables and stools, he came around the corner of a middle table and looked down.

Mikey was curled around his knees, head down and making the quietest, softest sobs Raph had ever heard from him.

Mikey cried loud. He cried loud and obvious and made it everyone’s problem until whatever was wrong got fixed. Out of all of them, Mikey was the only one who still was open about getting emotional like that. He was just that unashamed of how he felt at any given time. He didn’t… stifle himself to the point no one would have heard his distress, unless they listened closely for it.

Except Raph didn’t remember the last time he saw Mikey cry. Not in earnest. When did that change?

“…hey,” Raph said gently, finally making his presence known. Mikey’s shoulders stiffened, and the quiet noises stopped. After a beat, Raph moved to sit down next to Mikey, sitting against the cabinet draws built into the lab table.

He tried to wait for Mikey to talk on his own, but the silence just dragged out and Raph’s brother kept his head down on his knees.

In that moment, Raph remembered what Mikey had said to them all during that painfully emotional meeting. About how no one ever listened to him, even when it was important.

And they should have. Mikey said right from the start there was something going on, that there was still a chance they could have Donnie _back,_ and they’d brushed him off. And… other times, before, too. A lot of times.

Raph felt very tired, and very inadequate. Casey was right, and Mikey was right… and Raph needed to listen to both of them, now.

It figured that just when Raph was ready to do so, Mikey shut him out. Honestly, Raph probably deserved that. But Mikey didn’t.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked tentatively. Raph waited, feeling less useful by the second, and finally… Mikey raised his head, wiping his face roughly and erasing the evidence of tears from earlier.

He still looked wrung out and in pain, his mask hung from his neck and redness to his eyes. “…was talkin’ to Donnie,” Mikey said, and Raph’s mouth fell open a little.

“How?” he asked, looking around for burst lightbulbs or fried electronics of any kind. Everything was spic and span though; an even tidier version of how Donnie kept his lab in order.

Mikey pointed vaguely at the table they hid behind, gesturing towards the old speaker system Donnie usually had to the side of his lab. “The radio. I talked with master Splinter again, and thought I’d give it a shot. He, uh. Donnie stuck around for like a whole twenty-ish minutes, maybe even thirty, since it was just me and I was in a good mood, and the radio doesn’t take that much energy to use…”

“And?” Raph prompted, seeing Mikey wilt further.

“He… got confused,” Mikey said. “Started asking what was going on, and then where everyone else was, and… kinda just devolved into him saying he was in pain, over and over.” Mikey swallowed visibly, shaking himself. “He was askin’ for help, too. To make it stop.”

Raph put one hand over his mouth, and breathed slowly. Mikey sounded so… out of it, saying that. _Shock,_ the voice of Donnie supplied in Raph’s brain, _naturally following the introduction of new trauma to worsen an old one._

“I was talking to Casey, just before I came in here,” Raph said, trying to ease Mikey’s guilt over things. “He said that Donnie showed up and hassled him today, smack in the middle of it and everything, and he, uh… made Casey go check up on April. I think he just used a lot of energy today, Mikey. It’s not your fault he… you know.”

If the news shocked Mikey that Donnie had appeared so strongly, and had encouraged someone to _take care_ of the person who’d killed him, Mikey didn’t show it beyond a slow blink of acknowledgement. Seeming… separated from things.

“Then… I guess he ran out of batteries,” Mikey said dully, almost like he was trying to joke and failing so miserably it hurt.

Raph put an arm around Mikey’s shoulders before that misery could dig any deeper into him.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” Raph said, pulling his brother to his side and tucking Mikey in close. Like they used to, when they were younger. Like they used to, maybe just last year. “It’s… really shitty. I’m sorry.”

Mikey snorted, the sound a wet one. “Yeah, the shittiest.”

“How come you didn’t call someone? Dunno where Leo or Sensei are, but I was just in my room, Mikey.”

Mikey shrugged. “Too many people and emotions makes him meltdown, right? Didn’t wanna add fuel to the fire. And I thought… since I’m not afraid and haven’t been afraid like, _ever,_ I could get him back to normal just by talking him down, right?” Mikey sighed, rough and defeated. “I guess… I was wrong.”

Raph pictured Mikey desperately trying to talk an evitable flash flood into calming down, and got a painful scene of Donnie’s static filled, agonized voice calling out to the one person nearby, and Mikey not being able to do a thing to help him.

Raph might have curled up and cried on the floor, too, to be honest. If he had to experience something like that all alone, experience that kind of helplessness all over again.

And Mikey did, and never even tried to call for support.

How badly did Raph fail his little brothers… that Donnie got killed by one of their best friends, and Mikey didn’t see him anymore as someone to depend on?

When was the last time Raph even tried to do something like that, sitting down and listening to either of them talk about the things bothering them? When did any of them last do that for each other?

Maybe something like this had been inevitable. Maybe, eventually, something was going to happen and they’d all just go to pieces. Because none of them communicated like they should.

Maybe Donnie wouldn’t be dead. Maybe April wouldn’t have been possessed and forced to kill him. Maybe Mikey would’ve called for help.

“You weren’t wrong, he’s just… not somewhere we can help him right now,” Raph said, kind as he was able, even as injustice and grief coiled bitterly inside him. As they had for weeks. “It’s not your fault. You did your best.”

“Sure feels like my fault,” Mikey mumbled, mostly to himself, and Raph leaned his head back against the cabinets to look at the ceiling, trying to figure out how to explain that the feeling was wrong in a way Mikey would believe.

“It’s not,” he said, wishing he had the billions of words Donnie always seemed to. “It’s just bad luck.”

Mikey hummed, definitely disbelievingly. Raph let that sit for a while, not really having anything to give but the straight forwards truth Mikey didn’t want.

At least, as the minutes ticked by, his brother settled better into the one armed hug, and started to lose the tension in his body. Eventually, Raph felt like they’d reached a point Mikey could hear what he had to say.

Maybe the first step to re-establishing a relationship where they could confide in each other… was Raph making the first move.

“Hey, Mike? During the call from Casey… he and I talked, and I think… he’s got a point about something.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now i go sleep bc its very late and i do have an actual job i gotta be coherent for.
> 
> edit the next afternoon: i didn't have enough energy to say it then, but what i wanted to say is that while these kids are pretty much used to a lot of dark things, cope fairly well with those dark things, they're still kids in the end, and i think that even casey would be deeply scared by april's behavior. i remember being that age and having a friend going through something that made them act like that, and it was the most terrifying thing i'd ever experienced. i didn't know what to do, and i tried to convey that sort of feeling through casey just how scared and helpless you can feel in that situation.

**Author's Note:**

> Leave your thoughts in the comments below.


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